Rob Gronkowski: no ill will toward him for leaving, no good will either

Rob Gronkowski is one of the greatest football players any of us will ever see: a game-changing pass catcher and an even better run blocker. His presence helped the Patriots revive the physically imposing style of offense they won with in the early 2000s.

Unfortunately, he didn't want to play here anymore. And that's fine. I get it. It can't be much fun to play under Belichick. You don't get the big money, you have to watch what you say and do in public, it's probably a more demanding job than many of us have ever had to deal with in our professions, and NFL players can't just decide to change jobs after giving 2 weeks notice like we can.

So go have fun, Gronk. No bad feelings.

But no good feelings either. At least not any good feelings concerning the present or future, just some nostalgia and gratitude for what you did in the past.

I'm not going to root for him. Nor am I going to blame the brain trust in Foxborough for not changing their culture and philosophy for a single player, as great as he may be, in order to keep him here. It is what it is. I'll live with the potentially alienating culture that won 6 Super Bowls, 18 division titles, and 30 playoff games. It seems to be working.

I rooted for Gronk when he was a Patriot, when there was a two-way street of what he committed to the team and what we committed to him. Gronk and his family lived like kings up here, and while he was in Patriots' blue, red, and silver that was fine. But the two way street of athlete/fan support isn't a 1,100 mile interstate highway. The street has moved down to Florida and to the NFC. So the social contract between king and subject is no longer in effect when the king moves his castle to a different land, and starts fighting under a different banner.

Especially when up here he preferred not fighting at all over fighting for the Patriots. Don't forget that. He chose to leave football over playing here. I have no qualms with that, but I'm not going to fawn over an ex-Patriot who preferred being a retired ex-Patriot over being a Patriot.

Now as for Brady, I will root for him somewhat as a Buccaneer. Because unlike Gronk Brady seemed to help push the Patriot Way among his fellow players. Gronk only seemed to tolerate it. Brady and Belichick built this kingdom on and off the field.  That's special.

Furthermore, and this is just my opinion, Gronk's "charms" are wasted on me. I find his act a little lame, and more than a little boring. We get it, you're a big goofball that smiles and dances a lot, you stick your tongue out, and the number 69 is hilarious. It's not a bad act, but not nearly unique or funny enough to merit a long-distance fan relationship.

So ultimately, no ill will for leaving. But no good will for anything on the football field since you retired. It's kind of like the first 9 years of The Simpsons compared to everything after: I enjoy the memories, but am apathetic toward your present and future.

Belichick is right and you're wrong: Episode 442 - The Clock and Timeouts

I'll state two things before getting into the meat of this post:

1) Bill Belichick is not always right. He is fallible. He has made, and will make incorrect decisions.

2) You are not smart enough to judge when those incorrect decisions have occurred. In other words, I will defer to Belichick over you, always. That means any "you" who might be reading this (including me). From the geniuses on sports radio, to the sofa stains who yell at the TV with their rational coaching insights. Belichick understands football at a level beyond most professional football coaches, let alone the Madden All-Pros out there or the former high school standouts who caught two TDs in the Thanksgiving Day game to make the Division 6 all-star team.

Bill Belichick was conservative at the end of the first half. He didn't use a timeout on defense to save the clock. The first offensive play was a draw which lost 2 yards. That pretty much ended the drive. Why so conservative?

Because the Patriots' offense struggles to get first downs, and Miami had 3 timeouts.

What do you think was more likely, a Patriots scoring drive, or a quick three-and-out?

So your options are to get the ball with 1:40 on the clock, 2 timeouts, and a very real chance of giving the ball back to Miami with 1:00 remaining. Or you get the ball with 1:00 of clock, 3 timeouts, and see if you can string together a few plays without giving Miami a chance to touch the ball again.

You are either in control of the clock and therefore the game, or you have to hope to move the ball in order to be in control. And you're not good at moving the ball.

It's like a basketball team dribbling out the clock at the end of a quarter, waiting until the clock is near 0 to shoot so as to prevent the other team from having an extra possession.

Don't forget, Buffalo scored after getting the ball with 0:33 before halftime last week. The defense is not immune to allowing big plays and quick drives.

And if you think scoring with 1:40 and 2 timeouts is likely or possible, yet somehow with 1:00 and 3 timeouts scoring is impossible, I really don't know what to tell you. Good luck with that.

And if you don't like the draw play call, go back to all the other 2-minute drives the Patriots have started with draws, screens, and other conservative plays. Go all the way back to Super Bowl 36 and tell Belichick that a 5 yard pass to Redmond is too conservative a play to call with 1:21 on the clock.

They frequently start those types of drives with low-risk plays. If they get some yards, you crank up the speed of the drive. If not, you keep the ball and go to the locker room.

The Patriots also seem to, in many situations, give timeouts a higher value than 40 seconds of time. Timeouts keep your play-calling flexible and your playbook wide open. There are 3,600 seconds in a football game, and there aren't many 40 second blocks that are more valuable than being able to call a run play or use the middle of the field.

This offense has struggled almost all year, but the struggles get even worse when their range of plays is limited. Having more timeouts makes you less predictable.

So the Patriots wanted control of the clock, didn't want to give Miami a chance to score like Buffalo did, and they value a timeout more than actual time.

The end. You're wrong, Belichick is right, we're on to Tennessee.

Patriots dynasty is over, yet again

Texans 28, Patriots 24. And with that, the Patriots' run of success has come to an end. It's over. The dynasty is done. All good things come to an end. The defense isn't as strong as we thought. The offense is shriveled and flaccid. They can't even figure out the field goal kicker. Cue the hearses for the funeral procession.

We know with certainty this is the end because we've seen the end so many times. Perhaps the most remarkable thing about the Patriots' dominance of the 21st century is how many times their reign has ended and the team has fallen apart.

It came to an end a month ago in Baltimore. And of course, last winter it was all over in Kansas City when Damien Williams scored with 2:03 left to beat the Patriots in the AFC Championship game. Before that, the dynasty fell apart when the Pats were forced to go on the road to win the AFC, something they hadn't succeeded at in years. There was no way they'd win.

The Miami Miracle also ended the Patriots' 2018 season, and thus also their string of triumphs. Before that, losses in Tennessee, Detroit, and Jacksonville each ended the 2018 season as well. The 2018 Patriots were knocked out of contention about 6 or 7 times in 2018.

Of course, the Patriots never recovered from losing to the Eagles in the Super Bowl. And since parting ways with Malcolm Butler, the defense just hasn't been the same.

The Falcons embarrassed the Patriots the year before that. And that 2016 regular season was the end of the Pats' dynasty because they'd have to play without Brady for 4 games, and also there was that irreconcilable turmoil between Kraft/Belichick/Brady over the fate of Jimmy Garoppolo. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put the Patriots dynasty back together again.

Ever since losing to the Chiefs in September 2014, the Patriots just haven't been "Good anymore." They've collapsed about a dozen times since then. Maybe more. Just like when 2002's 9-7 record showed that the year before was a fluke. Or in week 1 in 2003 when Tom Jackson revealed to us that the Patriots "hate their coach."

Now the AFC baton is being passed to the Ravens and Chiefs. Just like Mark Sanchez and the Jets took it in 2010 and went on to glory. Or the Colts took it and had a streak of banner years with Manning and Luck. Or the year-in year-out success of the Broncos. Or the way the Steelers have been able to get past the Patriots both on the field and in their own minds.

People have been digging graves for the Patriots dynasty ever since they picked them to lose to the Steelers and Rams in 2001, or thought the Patriots were done winning in that stretch from 2005 to 2014.

At some point the Patriots dynasty will die. And maybe it's now. But the people predicting this death have spent years, even decades digging empty graves for the Pats. So if this is indeed the end, I'll enjoy an Irish wake and revel in the good times, and the unparalleled competitiveness of this team. I'll pay my respects and congratulate myself for only mourning the dearly departed just once, not 20+ times.

And if this isn't the end, I'll smile like the insufferable prick I am as I watch the exhausted haters and befuddled fools start digging the next set of graves for this team.

My favorite defensive performance of the season so far

The first few weeks of the season, the Patriots defense looked like an all-time great unit: Picks, fumbles, sacks, shutouts, scores. But it was mostly against bad QBs and bad teams. I'm not taking anything away from the Pats' D, but is it really a huge achievement to get 4 picks against the Dolphins?

What I've been wanting to see from this defense is if they had the ability to consistently make tough stands against decent offensive players. And that's what they did Sunday in Philadelphia.

The Eagles only had two drives that lasted more than 5 plays. The Patriots forced four 3-and-outs. They held the Eagles to drives of under 20 yards seven times. Cameron Johnston has a season-high 8 punts.

Last night I thought this win was ugly, but as I look back on the defensive performance, it's very attractive on that side of the ball: five sacks, a forced fumble, holding the Eagles under 100 rushing yards, under 200 passing yards. And it's not like the offense was putting the defense in great situations either.

So more than any other defensive performance this season, the 60 minutes in Philly yesterday impressed me the most.

But you're only as good as your next 60 minutes, which will be against the even better offense of the Dallas Cowboys.

Photo credit: Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

Antonio Brown acquisition: Let's not queue up the quacking duck boats yet

The Patriots have signed star receiver Antonio Brown. Understandably, we're all excited about this acquisition. Look at the Pats' receiving options: Gordon, Edelman, Thomas, and then add a guy who has caught 100+ passes for 1,200+ yards each of the past 6 seasons. It's absurd.

But let's pace ourselves here and wait until Brown is actually catching touchdowns before we start celebrating them. Let's also wait to see if Gordon can stay clean between now and February, if Edelman's concussed brain can last another year of relentless hits across the middle, if Demariyus Thomas can recover and carve out a role here.

I'm not being negative. I'm happy with this move. And if Brown is a problem the Patriots will jettison him without hesitation. I'm pleased, but not ecstatic. I'll enjoy Antonio Brown's performance one catch at a time, not all at once before it even happens.

Patriots fans have a problem of anticipation and expectations. And it ruins their enjoyment of this team's success. They expect a 14-2 (or better) season with multiple touchdown margins of victory most weeks. So when that happens they don't even enjoy it. And when the Pats don't meet those lofty expectations, the fans act like the team hasn't won 6 rings, or been to 8 straight AFC title games. They don't fully enjoy watching the high quality of football being played in Foxborough. It's like sitting down to a perfectly cooked steak dinner, but instead of taking our time to savor each juicy bite, Pats fans put it in a blender, liquefy it, and chug it down in one gulp.

I don't know how much Antonio Brown will contribute to the 2019 Patriots. He certainly has a huge ceiling. He could be a huge bust. But I'll wait until he's making big plays to celebrate his big plays. One game at a time, one play at a time.

Patriots vs Eagles Drinking Game: Super Bowl Edition

Patriots in the Super Bowl again. Feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day where the protagonist over and over lives the same football season every year. Patriots start out as favorites, meet adversity, get dismissed by pundits, win a few games, Pats haters whine about something, ESPN makes outlandish claims, Pats win two playoff games, two weeks of media garbage, concluded with a thrilling football game.

History will be made on Sunday. No player has ever won 6 Super Bowls. No player wearing an Eagles jersey has ever won a Super Bowl. One of those things will happen Sunday. With this drinking game, you too can make history. You too can be the GOAT of Sunday evening drinking and Monday morning hangovers. There are no days off when it comes to abusing your liver.

So get lubed up, do your job, and we're not done (drinking).

Anytime a commentator says:

"Super" = take 1 drink of beer

"Bowl" = 1 drink, bonus points for hitting a bowl

"Fifty" = 1 drink

"Two," "too," or "to" = 1 drink

"Minneapolis" = 1 drink

"St. Paul" = 1 drink, say a prayer

"Twin cities" = two drinks

"Minnesota" = 1 drink

"Concussion" = finish your beer, slam can/bottle against skull

"Protocol" = 1 drink, then go inside a tent for 5 minutes

"Rob" = 1 drink

"Gronk" = 1 drink

Name that ends in "-ski" = 1 drink, eat some Polish kielbasa

"History" = 1 drink

"GOAT, greatest, best, etc." = 1 drink

"Tom" = 1 drink

"5-time" = drink for 5 seconds

"6-time" = drink for 6 seconds

"Champion" = 1 drink

"Bill" = 1 drink

"Malcolm" = 1 drink

"Brandon" = 1 drink

"Nate" = 1 drink

"Steven" = 1 drink

"Cris, Chris, etc." = 1 drink

"Al" = 1 drink

"NBC" = drink for as many seconds as your local NBC station (e.g. 7 seconds for channel 7)

"Here's a guy" = finish your beer

Anytime this is on screen:

Roman numeral = 1 drink per numeral/letter (so LII is 3 drinks, VIII would be 4)

Lombardi trophy (real or image of) = 1 drink per trophy

Super Bowl logo (any year) = 1 drink per logo

Vikings logo = 1 drink per horn (bonus points for drinking mead)

Ice or snow = 1 drink (bonus points if drinking cocktail with ice cubes)

Bill Belichick not talking = 1 drink

Bob Kraft talking = 1 drink

Josh McDaniels holding tablet or sheet = 1 drink

Matt Patricia = 1 drink, put pencil behind ear, first person whose pencils fall out drinks entire beer

Ernie Adams = 1 shot of gin

Green Man = 1 drink per man

Dog mask = 1 drink per dog

Roger Goodell = finish beer, throw it at TV

Highlights from previous Super Bowls = drink during entire highlight

Replays of Gronk concussion = 1 drink, 1 shot

Carson Wentz on sideline = 1 drink

Wentz highlight = 1 shot

Any kind of injury report or list = 1 drink per injured player

Anytime this happens:

Penalty = 1 drink per penalty yard

Touchback = 1 shot of liquor

Kickoff/punt return = drink during entire return

First down = 1 drink of beer

Turnover = finish your beer

Field goal = 3 drinks

PAT = 1 drink

Missed kick = 1 shot

Brady points out the "mike" linebacker = 1 drink, bonus points if drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade (but only if you're a girl and/or weigh less than 160 pounds, if not it's negative points)

Brady says "alpha milk" = 1 drink, bonus points if it's a White Russian

Brady throws pass to a non-WR = 1 drink

Patriot besides Brady throws a pass = 1 shot

Brady gets pissed at himself and/or others = 1 drink

Gronkowski catches pass = 1 drink

You're worried Gronk is hurt = 1 drink, 1 shot

Gronk actually is hurt = 1 drink, 1 shot, enter alcohol abuse protocol

Gronk scores = finish your beer and Gronk spike it (bonus points for glass)

Danny Amendola gets the ball in a non-receiving way (run, throw, return) = 1 drink

Amendola makes a clutch catch = finish your beer

Dion Lewis or James White gets the ball in a non-running way (catch, return) = 1 drink

Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink

Slater downs the ball inside the 20 = 1 drink for each yard inside the 20 (5 yard line = 15 drinks)

Slater lines up at WR = 1 shot

Bernard Reedy is on the field = entire beer

Kenny Britt catches a pass = finish beer

Dwayne Allen thrown to = finish beer

Patriots go no huddle = 1 drink at first snap, 2 at second snap, 3 at third, etc.

Patriots try a trick play = 1 drink

Patriots successful with trick play = 1 drink, 1 shot

Patriots score TD on trick play = whole beer, 1 shot, 1 glass of wine

Eagles player acts like they're flying = 1 drink

Eagles fumble the ball = 1 drink

LeGarrette Blount runs someone over = 1 drink, bonus points for hitting a blunt

Jay Ajayi runs 10+ yards = 1 drink, bonus points for smoking a jay

Chris Long makes a tackle = 1 drink

Justin Timberlake exposes a body part = 1 drink per part

You hold in a piss during the game AND commercials = 1 drink per play, 1 drink per commercial

A commercial tries to be funny but fails = 1 drink

You flip over to Puppy Bowl = 1 drink per puppy on screen

So enjoy the game. Then enjoy the ambulance ride, then the hospital visit, then the morgue. Your funeral procession can be like your own personal championship parade for winning this drinking game. The hearse is like a duckboat.

Patriots the most exciting team ever?

Are the Patriots from 2001-present the best team in sports history? Probably not. Definitely not. The Yankees dominated baseball for decades at a time. The Celtics in the 1950s and 60s were essentially unbeatable. Best team ever? No way.

But has there ever been a sports team as captivating as the Patriots? Has any team drawn so much interest or generated such passionate sentiment (good and bad)? Haters and fans alike gravitate to what's happening in Foxborough, Mass., as if there's some sort of natural magnetic force luring their attention.

And the on-field product is excellent, especially compared to the rest of the crap you see around the NFL. Despite being favorites in almost every game, the Pats find ways to play close, exciting football on the big stage. They've been a part of more of the best games you've ever seen than you realize.

They've won 5 Super Bowls, by an average margin of 3.8 points. Only 19 points separate them from 5-time champs to 0-time champs. And if you add the two losses to the Giants, the Pats have only outscored their SB opponents by a total of 12 points. That's an average of being +1.71 ahead per game.

Recently, there's Sunday evening's 4th quarter comeback against Jacksonville. The heavily favored Pats were underdogs with 15 minutes remaining, with no Gronkowski, and a QB with a cut thumb. Instant classic.

This coming off of last year's ridiculous Super Bowl comeback. And then two years earlier there was Malcolm Butler's goal-line INT.

Even when the Pats lose, they give America unforgettable games. David Tyree's catch does not get remembered as vividly by football fans if it had not been against the 18-0 Patriots.

The Pats are a gripping story between games as well. Has a thumb been obsessed over as much as this past week? What about ESPN's story about "trouble in paradise" among the Pats' triumvirate of Brady, Belichick, and Kraft? DeflateGate became a national network news story. So did SpyGate.

The Patriots are must-see-TV on Sunday, and water cooler talk all week.

So Pats fans, enjoy it. These times don't last forever so revel in how fun it is to see an exciting team play exciting games, and win them in exciting fashion.

And Pats haters, enjoy it too. When this is all over you'll find football less entertaining without villains like Brady and Belichick. Imagine Star Wars without Darth Vader, Batman without Heath Ledger's Joker, No Country for Old Men without Anton Chigurh. Pats haters are all Captain Ahabs, giving futile chase to White Whales. Little do they know that without a whale to chase, things will get a lot less interesting.


Photo credit: Greg M. Cooper, USA TODAY Sports

Seth Wickersham "beginning of the end" piece proves sports world revolves around Patriots

ESPN's Seth Wickersham's "Beginning of the end" piece on the Patriots claims there is a power struggle at the highest level of Pats' leadership: among the owner, the GOAT coach, and the GOAT quarterback. True or not, what the report conclusively proves is that the sports world is obsessed with everything the Patriots do.

Many of the pieces to Wickersham's puzzle seem to fit. I can imagine Bill Belichick grumbling about being coerced to trade Jimmy Garoppolo. I can imagine Tom Brady being worried about the security of his position as starter. I can imagine Robert Kraft interfering in an effort to alleviate tensions and to make his star QB happy. So there's a possibility it's all true.

But there's more than a possibility that the Patriots are the center of the sports world. That's an absolute certainty.

Even when they don't play, they're the top story. Just a whisper of dissension in Foxborough, and it's breaking news. The narrative of Garoppolo's success in San Fran is told as a Patriots' story. DeflateGate was national network news, not just sport news, and it endured for months. Compare that to the brief amount of time spent discussing the Seahawks violating concussion protocol (the media spent less time on that than Russell Wilson spent in the medical tent). People are obsessed with everything the Patriots do.

So while other New England fans might fret about tension behind the scenes, while other New England fans start blaming Bill or Tom or Bob for a breakup which hasn't happened yet, I'm just going to enjoy the fact that the sports world orbits around Foxborough, that Gillette Stadium is the center of the football universe. I'll enjoy it, because 20 years ago the Patriots were barely relevant, and 2 years from now the same might be true again.

Steelers lost when they took timeout before that controversial call

After JuJu Smith-Shuster's 69 yard catch and run and with 34 seconds on the clock, Ben Roethlisberger immediately signaled a timeout. My brother pointed out Pittsburgh's mistake as it happened. It ultimately cost the Steelers the game and nobody will ever talk about it.

After the big gain, the Steelers should have sprinted up to the line and spiked it, saving the timeout so they could choose whatever plays they wanted to call on 2nd and 3rd downs. With the timeout in your pocket you can run on 2nd down, or maybe play-action pass into the end zone or out of bounds, and then run on 3rd. You have much more flexibility in what you can decide to do. Which also makes it harder for the defense, forcing them to respect the run (especially against Le'Veon Bell), defend the pass, and be aware of the 240 pound Roethlisberger possibly running a draw.

You can also use the timeout to ensure the Patriots don't get the ball back.

It would have taken some time to get to the 10 and get set. Maybe 15 seconds. So the options are:

2nd & Goal/10, 19 seconds on the clock, 1 timeout

or

1st & Goal/10, 34 seconds on the clock, 0 timeouts

Do you want 15 extra seconds on the clock that you might not need, or do you want to be able to use every play and player in your offensive arsenal, and make it harder on the defense to know what you're doing?

The Steelers set themselves down the path of bad decision-making, managed themselves into a corner, and paid the consequences.

Gronk should have been tossed from Bills game, would have avoided suspension

NFL refs suck. Just look how poorly and inconsistently they don't call pass interference when opposing defenders drape themselves on Rob Gronkowski.

Gronk should have been ejected from the Bills game for his late, and dangerous hit on Tre'Davious White. Sorry, Pats fans, it's true. If any Bill or Dolphin or Jet did what Gronk did to a Pats' player, we'd all be up in arms about it. We all yell and scream quite vociferously when Gronk or Brady is a victim of a cheap shot. You can't then ignore your own players crossing the line so blatantly.

Even Belichick thought it was a "bullshit" hit.

It was moronic. No matter what you think about fines or suspensions, it was flat out stupid. As if nobody was watching. As if nobody would see a 6' 7" silverback gorilla acting like Razor Ramon on the sidelines.

But if the refs had kicked him out, it would be hard for the NFL to suspend Gronk on top of the ejection. It was a 20 point game with under 5 minutes, the result long since decided, so Gronk being tossed would have little impact on the game.

And honestly, it's Week 14 now, the Pats are on the verge of wrapping up the division, I don't mind the most injury prone TE in history missing a game. Suspend away.

Which Patriots team is the real one: Week 1 or Week 2?

The Patriots looked like two different teams between Week 1 and Week 2. What changed, is the change sustainable, and which performance reflects who the Patriots really are?

1. The Chiefs are much better than the Saints
Kansas City won 42 games the past three seasons, the Saints have won 21. The Saints have some talented players, but also have inexperienced and exploitable guys, especially on defense. And Brady exploited the hell out of them. A win is a win is a win, but let's not get too hard about beating a team that hasn't finished above .500 since 2013.

2. Brady was at his Bradyest
Even against a mediocre team, you still need to make the plays to win, and Brady did that to near perfection, especially in the 1st quarter. He was poised in the pocket, read the Saints' defense well, and made all the throws. Frankly, he sucked in the Kansas City game, and at times seemed to feel ghosts around him in the pocket. He was the most improved player from Week 1 to Week 2.

The subpar Brady we saw in Week 1 has made maybe 10 career appearances. The near perfect Brady from Week 2 has made about 40 appearances. The other 220 games have seen Brady be nearly this great or at least very good. So that's what we should expect to see week to week. He won't be as amazing as he was for the first 15 minutes, but he'll be closer to that than to what he did against KC.

3. Extra days and no days off
The Pats try to be the best practice team in the NFL. And that's why they win. Give them a few days extra to work and it typically shows on the field. Unfortunately it's rare to have a long week without also having a short week before it, so this advantage can't be exploited much.

4. Pats play better in adversity than perfect conditions
The Patriots play better in difficult circumstances than any team in the NFL. Whether it's injury, false media leaks about air pressure, a teammate being arrested for murder, Tim Tebow, the Pats thrive when the shit hits the fan and outside distractions threaten to undermine them. They have a sharper edge when working through adversity. So maybe a handful of injuries can actually help the team in some weird way? Maybe not.

5. Gronk looked 100% for 60% of the game
Gronkowski was flaccid in Week 1, he looked fiercer in Week 2, until he got hurt. When healthy the Brady-Gronk combo might be the most dangerous passer-catcher duo in the history of the game. He's also one of the best blocking tight ends in the League. With the injuries at WR, his health is something the Pats' season will swing on, and that's a flimsy backbone to lean on.

The Saints are mediocre, but so is most of the NFL. The Patriots showed in Week 2 that they should have regular season success against most NFL teams, so long as they have a minimum number of players they can put on the field. It was a good rebound, and it was great to see everyone step up any way they could: 7 players rushed the ball, 9 caught passes, 11 touched the ball, 20 of Brady's 30 completions were to non-WRs.

But as far as gauging the Pats as a contender, I need to see much more, either consistently against mediocre teams, or once against a good team.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer, just a Rational Rob.

Photo Credit: AP

Patriots vs. Chiefs Drinking Game: Banner Raising Edition

Football season is back and it begins as it should: with the Patriots raising a championship banner. This one made even sweeter by the failed attempts of the NFL and Commissioner Roger Goodell to punish the Pats for not kneeling to him and kissing his ass.

The Patriots begin their title defense against the Chiefs, and hope to become the first back-to-back champions since themselves back in 2003 and 2004. The team is loaded with talent but it's all about execution. Having talent is like stocking your fridge and liquor cabinet with great booze. Assembling it is the first step, but knowing what to do with it is far more important.

We're happy to help guide you to drinking your way through the 2017 season. And we begin with a drinking game to play as the Pats host the Chiefs, hoist a banner, and you destroy your internal organs and your life with toxic levels of alcohol.

Here are the rules...

Every time a commentator says:
Banner = take 1 drink of beer
Raise = 1 drink
Five = drink beer for 5 seconds
Time = 1 drink
Champion (in any form) = 1 drink and raise your ring fingers in the air as an FU to Goodell
Defending = 1 drink
Super Bowl = 1 drink
Fifty-one = drink for 51 seconds
Greatest/best = 1 drink

Do = 1 drink
Your = 1 drink
Job = 1 drink
No days off = 1 drink

Chiefs = 1 drink
(Kansas) City = 1 drink
Eric = 1 drink
Mitchell or Mitch = 1 drink
Ware = 1 drink
Any first name that begins with "De" (e.g. De'Anthony or Dee) = 1 drink
Smith = 1 drink
Game manager = 1 drink
AFC West = 1 drink
Chris (or Cris) = 1 drink
Marcus = 1 drink
Al = 1 drink

Deflate = 1 drink
Gate = 1 drink
Suspended = 1 drink
Roger = 1 drink
Goodell = 1 drink


Any time this is on screen:
The score 28-3: drink for 25 seconds
A banner = 1 drink per banner
A Lombardi Trophy = 1 drink per trophy
A Super Bowl ring = 1 drink per ring
Roger Goodell = finish your beer

Injured Spencer Ware = 1 drink
Injured Julian Edelman = finish your beer, toss it in the air, and whoever makes the most ridiculous catch get 1,000 points
Video of Ware and/or Edelman getting hurt = drink during entire clip

Super Bowl highlights = drink during the entire clip
The number 51 (including on the clock): 1 drink
Roman numerals = 1 drink per letter (bonus points for drinking Dos Equis, or Molson XXX)

Vince Wilfork = 1 drink, 1 shot, eat a turkey leg
Ernie Adams = 1 shot of liquor (bonus points if it's gin, Ernie seems like a gin guy)
Jimmy Garappolo = 1 drink


Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking = drink the entire time he talks



Any time this happens:
Andy Reid mismanages the clock = finish your beer

Tom Brady yells in anger = 1 drink
Tom Brady yells in joy = 1 drink
Brady headbutts someone = 1 drink
Brady points out the "mike" = 1 drink (bonus points if drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, but only if you're a girl or weigh under 100 pounds)
Brady says "alpha milk" = 1 drink

Pats go no huddle = 1 drink per snap
Chiefs run the ball = 1 drink
James White gets the ball = 1 drink
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink

Rob Gronkowski makes a catch = 1 drink
Gronk makes a big block = 1 drink
Gronk scores a TD = finish your beer, spike it (bonus points for glass containers spiked on hard surfaces)
You get worried that Gronk is hurt = 1 shot

Stephen Gostkowski barely makes a kick = 1 drink
Gostkowski misses a kick = 1 shot


So enjoy the game between the Patriots and Chiefs. And if you play this game, please also enjoy the trip to the hospital, the morgue, and the cemetery.

Patriots vs Steelers Drinking Game: AFC Championship Edition

Patriots vs. Steelers. Tom Brady vs. Big Ben. Bill Belichick vs. Mike Tomlin. SpyGate and DeflateGate vs. a coach trying to block a kick returner on the field. Two teams, lots of recent success, lots of rivalry, lots of respect, and lots of shared hatred for Roger Goodell.

Get ready to share your drunken thoughts on SpapFace and InstaChat, because it's the motherfucking AFC Championship.

Belichick says that players play, and coaches coach. And we say that drinkers drink. So here's a drinking game to play during the AFC Championship:

Anytime a Commentator Says...
"AFC" = 1 drink from a beer
"Conference" = 1 drink
"Championship" = 1 drink
"Game" = 1 drink
"Super Bowl" = 1 drink
"51" = 1 drink
"Houston" = 1 drink
"Playoffs" = 1 drink
"Home field" = 1 drink
"Rivalry" = 1 drink
"Record" = 1 drink
"History" = 1 drink
"In a row" = 1 drink

"Tom" = 1 drink
"Ben" = 1 drink
"Brown" = 1 drink
"Bell" = 1 drink
"Killer bee" = 1 drink (bonus points if you're buzzed by the time you drink it)
"Malcolm" = 1 drink
"Jones" = 1 drink
"Bill/Will/Williams" = 1 drink

Anything about Tom Brady's or James Harrison's age = drink 39 seconds for Brady, 38 seconds for Harrison
Anything about Brady's or Harrison's workout routines = 1 drink (bonus points for light beer), 5 push-ups, 10 crunches, 1 shot of liquor

"Roger Goodell" = 1 drink with your middle finger in the air (something both Pats and Steelers fans can agree on)


Anytime this is on screen...
A trophy = 1 drink per trophy
The AFC logo = 1 drink
A Super Bowl ring = 1 drink per ring
The Super Bowl logo = 1 drink
A Terrible Towel = 1 drink per towel
A tri-cornered hat = 3 drinks per hat (1 per corner, bonus points if drinking Sam Adams)

Highlights of Patriots beating the Steelers = drink for the duration of the highlight (bonus points/bonus drinking below)
-Clip of Bledsoe throwing a TD = drink for 11 seconds
-Troy Brown punt return TD = drink for 80 seconds
-Rodney Harrison INT return TD = drink for 37 seconds
-If you're the first to spot Corey Dillon, Deion Branch, Ted Johnson, or David Givens, you can distribute drinks to everyone else until the end of the quarter

Rob Gronkowski = finish your beer, spike it (bonus points for spiking glass containers)
Josh McDaniels = 1 drink
Dante Scarnecchia = 1 shot of gin
Ernie Adams = 1 slug of moonshine
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink entire time he's talking
Mike Tomlin = 1 drink, then block someone from walking to the fridge

The number 7 or 12 (in the score, the clock, on a uniform, in the stands) = 1 drink

Roger Goodell at Gillette Stadium = finish a keg of beer because it won't happen


Anytime this happens...
Tom Brady points out the 'Mike' = 1 drink (bonus points for girls if drinking a Mike's Hard product, negative points for guys drinking Mike's Hard products)
Brady says "Alpha milk" = 1 drink (bonus points for White Russian drinking)
Brady throws to a non-WR = 1 drink
Brady gets pissed at himself or others = 1 drink
Brady throws deep incomplete = 1 drink
Brady throws deep complete = 1 shot
Brady throws to Julian Edelman = 1 drink
Edelman gets the ball in a non-receiving way (punt return, run, throw, etc.) = 1 drink
Dion Lewis gets the ball in a non-running way (catch, return, etc.) = 1 drink
LeGarette Blount runs someone over = 1 drink
Patriots RB runs for 10+ yards = 1 drink
Patriots RB runs for 20+ yards = 1 shot
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
Patriots try a trick play = finish your beer
Patriots successful (at least 20+ yards) with trick play = finish your beer + 1 shot

You think Ben Roethlisberger is sacked, but he escapes = 1 shot
Antonio Brown touches the ball = drink until he's tackled
Brown is just too fast to be covered/tackled = 1 drink
Le'Veon Bell hesitates = pause, then drink, but the last one to drink after pausing has to finish their beer

A kicker misses a kick = 1 drink for PATs, 3 for FGs
A team goes no huddle = 1 drink per snap
Kickoff or punt return = drink during entire return
Touchback = 1 drink


So enjoy the game. Get lubed up. Don't drink and drive. In fact, don't play this game at all because it will kill you.

Ray Lewis calls out Tom Brady's toughness, even though Brady played with no fear against murderer Ray Lewis

In Saturday night's Patriots-Texans game, Jadeveon Clowney was not penalized for what seemed to be a late hit on Pats' QB Tom Brady. Clowney began the tackle shortly after Brady released the football, but probably should have been called for roughing the passer as the tackle extended long after the ball was out, with Clowney eventually dragging Brady to the ground.

Brady made little effort to hide his feelings, yelling at the refs with such anger that he fell to the ground again.

And maybe the forceful lobbying worked, as later a roughing call was finally called on Clowney. Be that as it may, Brady has a well-deserved reputation as someone who gets angry about calls and non-calls failing to go his way. He's seen as a complainer, because that's what he does to refs on the field.

And so what? Seriously, how is this a criticism? The NFL has bad, inconsistent officiating. Tom Brady gets angry at bad officiating. Fans at home who yell at their TV about bad officiating, complain about Tom Brady yelling at the ref about bad officiating.

It doesn't make sense.

What baffles me most of all is that by yelling and complaining, it somehow makes him less tough. He's seen as a whiner and a baby. Ray Lewis, for example, Tweeted this last night.

It's Called Football Brady

— Ray Lewis (@raylewis) January 15, 2017

As if Brady doesn't know what football is, what the game entails, and that hard contact is part of the game.

It's funny for Ray Lewis to call out a player for lack of toughness, when on the football field Brady has been fearless, even when facing people who have participated in murder. Such as Ray Lewis.

If you don't like the complaining to refs, fine. That's kind of silly because NFL officiating is horribly inconsistent and overly obsessed with defining things that can't be defined while simultaneously ignoring the spirit and intention of the rules.

But Brady's complaining has nothing to do with toughness or lack thereof.

Photo Credit: USATSI

Patriots didn't play crappy game against Texans, but need to improve to beat Steelers or Chiefs

You can't turn the ball over 3 times in a playoff game and expect to win. Unless you're the Patriots and you win by 18, putting up 34 points on the #1 defense in the NFL. Tom Brady, by the way, is now 4-1 in playoff games against #1 NFL defenses. It's amazing how unamazed I am by that tidbit.

The amazing has become the typical for Brady, Belichick, and the Pats.

"Amazing" is not how I would describe the Patriots' performance last night. Brady was off for most of the game (18 for 38, 2 picks). There were times when the O-line couldn't stop the pass rush up the middle. The Pats failed to punch it in from 1st and goal on the 3. And as great as Dion Lewis looked for most of the game, you simply CANNOT fumble a kickoff return. Who does he think he is? Cyrus Jones?

The Patriots can't play 60 minutes like that and expect to beat the Chiefs or Steelers. Those teams probably won't give the ball back 3 times. And those teams will score TDs off turnovers, not field goals.

The Chiefs had the top takeaway/giveaway differential in the NFL at +16. Compare that to the Texans at 26th and a -7 differential. KC only lost the ball 17 times (8th best in NFL). They won't give you the ball back the way Osweiler did last night.

Then there's Pittsburgh, who have a much more dangerous offense than Houston's. Compare Le'Veon Bell to Lamar Miller. Antonio Brown is one of the few WRs out there better than DeAndre Hopkins. And Ben Roethlisberger is just on a different planet compared to Brock Osweiler. Comparing Big Ben to Osweiler is like comparing how great Shaq the basketball player was with how awful Shaq the actor was. And like Osweiler, Shaq the actor was paid a ridiculous amount of money considering the crappy results.

There's room for improvement, but the Pats didn't play a crappy game. The kickoff return TD was the result of excellent blocking and Lewis' agility and outright speed. Edelman seemed to disappear for stretches but finished with 8 catches and 137 yards. Most of the night the O-line protected Brady and gave him plenty of time.

Defensively, the Pats forced 3 turnovers, limited Hopkins to 6 catches and 65 yards, gave up fewer than 300 yards (285), held the Texans on 13 of 16 3rd downs (81.3%), sacked Osweiler 3 times, hit him a few more, and held on 2 of 3 Texans trips into the Red Zone.

I'm optimistic the Pats' offense will perform better. They have no choice. Turn the ball over like that again and the Chiefs or Steelers will make you pay. I also have concerns that some key players like Brady, Blount, Bennett, and Amendola are banged up and it's affecting their usage and/or performance. At least the Pats get an extra day to recover.

And ultimately what matters is that for the 11th time in the Brady/Belichick era and for the 6th year in a row, we're on to the AFC Championship game.

Photo credit: Elise Amendola/AP Photo

Patriots-Texans Drinking Game: Playoff Edition

Saturday night the Patriots host the Texans in t he AFC Divisional round. The annual tradition of Patriots football extending into mid-January continues. Hopefully the Pats aren't too overly confident in this game, but you can go ahead and get as overly confucked up as you want. And the best way to do so is to play this Patriots drinking game:

Everytime a commentator says...
"Divisional" = take 1 drink of beer
"Round" = 1 drink
"Playoffs" = 1 drink
"AFC" = 1 drink
"Home field" = 1 drink
"Seed" = 1 drink
"Gillette" = 1 drink
"Tom" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Brock" = 1 drink
"DeAndre" = 1 drink
"Vince" = 1 drink
"Malcolm" = 1 drink
"Jones" = 1 drink
"Bill/Will/William(s)" = 1 drink
"Jim" = 1 drink
"Phil" = 1 drink
"CBS" = 1 drink
"Cold" = 1 drink
"Super Bowl" = 1 drink


Anytime this is on screen...
Highlights of the Patriots beating the Texans = drink during the entire clip
Highlights of Tom Brady in the playoffs = drink for entire clip
Super Bowl highlights = drink during entire clip
JJ Watt = finish your beer, do 10 pushups, then post on social media about working out
Rob Gronkowski = finish your beer and Gronk spike it, bonus points if spiking a glass container
Jacoby Brissett = drink for 7 seconds
Josh McDaniels = 1 drink
Dante Scarnecchia = finish your beer
Ernie Adams = finish your beer, 1 shot of liquor
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink entire time he's talking
Vince Wilfork in a Patriots uniform = 1 drink, eat 1 slice of pizza
Wilfork on the sideline = 1 drink, 1 shot, eat 1 turkey leg
A star (including in logos, but not on helmets) = 1 drink per star


Anytime this happens...
Brady points out the "mike" = 1 drink, bonus points if drinking a Mike's Hard product (girls only), negative points for guys drinking Mike's
Brady says "Alpha milk" = 1 drink, bonus points if drinking a White Russian
Brady throws to a non-receiver = 1 drink
Brady looks pissed = 1 drink
Julian Edelman thrown to = 1 drink
Edelman makes someone miss = 1 drink
Martellus Bennett runs someone over = 1 drink
LeGarette Blount runs someone over = 1 drink
Blount runs for 10+ yards = 1 shot
Blount runs for 20+ yards = finish your beer
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
Stephen Gostkowski misses a FG or PAT = 1 drink, 1 shot
Brock Osweiler makes a great throw = 1 drink
Osweiler makes a terrible throw = 1 drink
DeAndre Hopkins thrown to = 1 drink
Hopkins catches pass = drink for 5 seconds
Hopkins catches a pass for 25+ yards = finish your beer
Hopkins makes an insane catch = whole beer
A team goes no huddle = 1 drink per snap
Kickoff return = drink during entire return
Touchback = 1 drink

So enjoy the game. Get lubed up responsibly. Appoint designated drivers. Be prepared to dial 9-1-1 at any time. And hopefully the Pats will be moving on to KC or Pittsburgh while you're moving on to a stomach pump and liver surgery.

Patriots' Path to the Super Bowl

The Patriots secured the top seed in the AFC playoffs Sunday, ensuring that the road to the Super Bowl goes through New England. But what kind of obstacles will the Patriots face on that road? Who will stand in their path and what kind of challenge will they pose?

Just a sidenote about this year's NFL playoffs... between the Pats, Steelers, Chiefs, Raiders, and Dolphins, you've got tons of great AFC/AFL/NFL history. These teams combine for 16 total Super Bowl wins, or 2/3 of the 24 Super Bowls won by AFC teams. The Steelers, Patriots, Dolphins, and Raiders have won more AFC Championship games (25) than all other teams combined. Think about all the great players, coaches, and teams: the Steel Curtain, the perfect 1972 season, the Black Hole, the loudest stadium, Brady, Bradshaw, Stram, Madden, Marino.

Plus there's the Texans.

Here is a list of what the Patriots will face in each round:

DIVISIONAL ROUND OPPONENTS: Oakland, Houston, or Miami
The Patriots cannot face the #2 seeded Chiefs or #3 seeded Steelers in the Divisional Round, which is good news because these are the two teams I'd least prefer the Patriots to play. If the Raiders still had a healthy Derek Carr I'd include them in that group. But they don't.

So let's start with the Carr-less Raiders. They had a great offense with Carr. They still have plenty of talent on that side of the ball, but in a playoff game against Belichick and the rested Patriots, it's hard to imagine the Raiders posing much of a threat. You never know, though. Over-confidence can be a killer. And if the Raiders make it to the Divisional Round, that means they figured out a way to win, and did so on the road. Albeit against a soft Houston team. But momentum, confidence, and a backup QB with little game film of to study... you just never know.

You would hope the Pats would take the game 100% seriously and do their job.

If it's Patriots vs. Raiders in the Divisional Round, how many times will the phrase "Tuck Rule" be uttered before and during the game? Over/under on that would be 1,000,000.5.

I don't know which team I'd prefer the Patriots to play: Houston or Oakland. There's a strong chance it will be one of these two as I think the Steelers will easily handle the Dolphins. So do you want the team with an injured QB, or the team with the mediocre QB?

The 9-7 Texans were 4-6 outside of their crappy division. One of those losses was a 27-0 blowout at Gillette Stadium against Jacoby Brissett.

Houston averages under 200 yards in the air per game. For every position they're strong at, there are others that they are terribly weak at, quarterback being the most obvious.

The last (and only) time the Texans beat the Patriots was in January 2010. That was the game Wes Welker got hurt in before the playoffs started. The Patriots are 7-1 against Houston all-time, and are in the midst of a 5-game win streak against them.

You can't not be happy if the Pats play the Texans.

If Miami beats the Steelers, then the Patriots play the Dolphins no matter what happens in the 4 vs. 5 game. Miami can sometimes give the Pats trouble, but not so much at Gillette Stadium in the Brady Era. The last time the Dolphins won in Foxboro was in 2008, when Matt Cassel was the Pats' QB. Brady has beaten Miami 10-straight times at Gillette, and is 14-1 against them at home.

But there's something unsettling about playing a team for the third time in a season. Those games can get weird. The Dolphins have seen (twice) how the Patriots can beat them. They can learn and possibly adapt. Third games can be unpredictable, which seems counter-intuitive considering there's already 120 minutes of football played between the two teams.

Over-familiarity and maybe over-confidence can be a recipe for a disappointing loss. And after all, the Pats' win in Miami this past Sunday was a few turnovers away from being very, very interesting. One or two big plays can turn an easy game into a tough challenge.

All 3 of the potential Divisional Round opponents are excellent matchups for the Patriots. There's no top tier QB to worry about. These are teams with multiple and significant flaws. The Raiders and Dolphins have limited playoff experience and the Texans only have playoff losing experience.

So the Divisional Round might be easy on paper. That is certainly not the case for potential AFC title game opponents...

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME OPPONENTS: Steelers, Chiefs, Raiders, or Texans
The Patriots can't play the Dolphins in this round. It seems unlikely that the Raiders or Texans would get this far, but it's possible, and would be fantastic for the Pats.

What's most likely is that either the Steelers or Chiefs would come to Gillette Stadium.

I think the Steelers will be the team to challenge the Pats for a Super Bowl berth. They have the momentum, riding a 7-game winning streak entering the playoffs. They have the history and experience. They have a Super Bowl winning QB, a receiver who is almost impossible to cover, and one of the best RBs in the NFL.

It's true the Pats beat Pittsburgh on the road in October. And that means a whole lot of nothing. The Steelers were banged up and without Roethlisberger. Meanwhile Rob Gronkowski was healthy. The tables have turned since then. The Steelers have the all their black and yellow Killer Bees at their disposal now: Brown, Bell, and Big Ben.

Their defense isn't as imposing as it used to be. They were 12th in overall defense, 16th in passing defense, 13th in rushing. They were 10th in points allowed. None of this is bad, but it's not what one usually thinks of when one thinks of Pittsburgh.

And 29% of their 7-game win streak was against the Browns. They were 2-3 against playoff teams, They were 5-3 away from Pittsburgh and their best road win was against the Ravens.

So maybe the Chiefs will beat them in Kansas City.

The Chiefs led the NFL with a +16 turnover margin. They protect the ball, and they go after it on defense. Most interceptions, most fumble recoveries.

They don't have a very good offense. And their Red Zone offense isn't impressive so even against the Patriots bend-don't-break defense it will be tough for KC to put up points. Andy Reid is also one of the worst game clock managers I've ever seen. Captain Hook does better with clocks than Reid does.

Either team would be tough. For the sake of continuing a rivalry, I'd prefer the Steelers to come to Foxboro. The Patriots and Steelers are tied for the most AFC Championship game wins at 8 apiece (Denver also has 8). So the winner would claim that honor, and have a chance to add to their franchise's legacy with yet another Super Bowl win.

SUPER BOWL OPPONENTS: Dallas, Atlanta, Seattle, Green Bay, New York, Detroit
There are 2 teams in the AFC playoffs that scare me. There are 4 in the NFC. Thankfully the Pats will only have to play one NFC opponent to win it all. Just a quick thought on each possible opponent:

Dallas: I'd be worried unless Romo is still holding for field goals and extra points

Atlanta: Horrible defense and choking quarterback

Seattle: Championship caliber

Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers is 7-6 in playoff games and 3-5 since winning the Super Bowl

New York: Please, God, no

Detroit: Please, God, yes

PREDICTION:
Patriots play the Raiders in the Divisional Round and win. Then they play the Steelers and win a close game. Then the play the Cowboys in the Super Bowl and win.

Patriots-Cardinals Drinking Game: Opening Sunday Night Edition

Football season is back! And so are the Patriots! Well, not all of the Patriots. No Rob Gronkowski or Tom Brady, because it was deemed more probable than not that Brady was more than likely probably generally aware that footballs were possibly potentially may have been deflated, even though they were the air pressure predicted by the Ideal Gas Law. And the NFL revealed absolutely no data from their air pressure monitoring during the 2015 season. Brady's suspension has little to do with air pressure and more to do with his unwillingness to yield to the pressure applied by the NFL and Roger Goodell. Anyway, DeflateGate is enough to drive a man to drink, so let's get to a more sobering thought: a drinking game for the season opener!

Here are the rules...

Anytime a commentator says:
"Suspension" = take 1 drink of beer
"Deflate" = 1 drink
"Injured" = 1 drink
"Out" = 1 drink
"4 weeks" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Gronkowski" = 1 drink
"Week 1" = 1 drink
"Sunday" = 1 drink
"John" or "Johnson" = 1 drink
"Brown" = 1 drink
"Malcolm" = 1 drink
"Barkevious" = 1 drink and scream "MINGO!"
"Jimmy" = 1 drink
"Arizona" = 1 drink
"NFC West" = 1 drink
Anything about 'The Patriot Way' or 'Next Man Up' = finish your beer


Anytime this is on screen:
Bill Belichick = 1 drink
Bruce Arians = 1 drink
Barkevious Mingo = 1 drink and scream "MINGO!"
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Bob Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
A picture or video of Tom Brady = drink for 12 seconds and raise a middle finger to Roger Goodell
A picture or video of Rob Gronkowski = 1 drink, and stretch your hamstrings
Highlights from Super Bowls played in Arizona = drink for the duration of the video
An injury report graphic = 1 drink per injured player



Anytime this happens:
DraftKings or FanDuel commercial = 1 drink (make sure you have enough beers)
Peyton Manning commercial = 1 drink
Cris Collinsworth annoys you = 1 shot of liquor
Al Michaels says something without explicitly saying it (typically about the spread) = 1 shot
Someone Gronk-spikes a football = finish your beer and spike it (bonus points for glass bottles)
Touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff or punt return = drink for the duration of the return
Julian Edelman catches a pass = 1 drink
You're worried Edelman is hurt = 1 shot
Martellus Bennett is tall = 1 drink
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
LeGarrette Blount runs for a 1st down = 1 drink, 1 hit from a blunt
Jimmy Garoppolo says "Alpha Milk" = 1 drink
Chandler Jones makes a big play = 1 shot



So enjoy the game, get lubed up responsibly, this blog is not responsible for hospital bills incurred due to injuries and illnesses suffered as a result of playing this game.

Do not play this game.

Patriots-Broncos Drinking Game: AFC Championship Edition

Patriots, Broncos. Manning, Brady. An AFC Championship and a trip to the Super Bowl on the line. What could be any better than that? I'll tell you what... Drinking so much alcohol you'll need to watch the 4th quarter in the Emergency Room. Here's a drinking game to play while the Patriots face the Broncos Sunday in the AFC Championship...

Anytime a commentator says:
"AFC" = 1 drink of beer
"Championship" = 1 drink
"Manning" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Winner" = 1 drink
"Seventeen(th)" = drink for 17 seconds
"Meeting" = 1 drink
"Playoffs" = 1 drink
"History" = 1 drink
"Legacy" = 1 drink
"Super Bowl" = 1 drink
"Fifty" = 1 drink
"Mile high" = 1 drink, 1 hit from a joint
Anything about the air being thin = hold your breath for 15 seconds, then drink for 5 seconds
Anything about the weather being nice = 1 drink
"Crowd noise" = 1 drink
"Home field" = 1 drink
"Injury" = 1 drink
"Malcolm" = 1 drink
"Jackson" = 1 drink


Anytime this is on screen...
A Roman numeral = drink for as many seconds as the number (e.g. XVII=drink for 17 seconds)
Highlights from previous Manning/Brady games = drink during entire highlight
Highlights of Brady/Patriots struggling in Denver = drink during entire highlight
The number 18 (on the field or in a graphic) = 1 drink
A trophy = 1 drink per trophy
Manning face = 1 shot of liquor (and permission to vomit)
A Manning besides Peyton = 1 drink per Manning
A horse (real or cartoon) = 1 drink
A horseshoe (real or as part of a logo) = 1 drink per shoe
A mountain = 1 drink pear peak
John Elway = 1 drink
Brock Osweiler = 1 drink
Wade Philips = 1 drink
Matt Patricia = 1 drink
Ernie Adams = 1 glass of wine
Josh McDaniels = 1 drink
A graphic about injuries = 1 drink
A coin toss (live or video) = 1 drink
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking


Anytime this happens...
Someone says "Omaha" = 1 drink
Broncos fans say that stupid "incomplete" chant = 1 drink
Brady and/or Manning are compared to all-time greats = 1 drink for each player compared to
Jamie Collins makes a freakishly athletic play = 1 drink
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
Julian Edelman breaks a tackle = 1 drink
Rob Gronkowski destroys someone/something = 1 drink
You're worried Edelman or Gronk is injured = half a beer
Gronk spikes something = finish your beer, spike empty can/bottle on ground (bonus points for glass bottles)
Manning says the name of a city besides Omaha = 2 drinks
Manning says the name of a state/province = 5 drinks
Manning says the name of a country = finish your beer
Manning seems to adjust the play = 1 drink
Commentators praise Manning for a good play call = 1 drink
Commentators avoid criticizing Manning for a bad play call = 1 drink
Broncos run the ball = 1 drink
Manning overthrows a receiver = 1 drink
Manning underthrows a receiver = 1 drink
Manning makes an accurate throw longer than 10 yards = half a beer
Manning fumbles or throws a pick = 1 shot of liquor
Commentators criticize Manning for a mistake (unlikely) = 1 entire beer, 2 shots of liquor
The commentators mention HGH (this will not happen) = drink all alcohol in the building by the end of the game, which will be extra rough in an apartment building or a bar, so feel free to take performance enhancing substances to help


So enjoy the game on the field between the Patriots and Broncos, as well as the game off the field between you and your liver. Make sure you have a path shoveled wide enough for the paramedics to carry you out on a stretcher.

Patriots-Giants drinking game: painful memories edition

One streak will end Sunday. Either the Patriots' 11-game winning streak, or Giants' 3-game winning streak against the Patriots.

Throughout the week, few people seemed to actually talk about this game in 2015, instead focusing on games played 4 and 8 years ago, by almost completely different sets of players. For the Patriots, this is a tough road game against a good opponent. And they probably won't make nervous mistakes like so many Pats' opponents have this season. Then again, a 5-4 record in the NFL this year isn't very impressive. Being slightly above average in an incredibly below average league is like repeating the 4th grade and then getting a B-. Who cares?

Speaking of who cares, who cares about my game analysis? Let's get to the drinking game!

The rules...

Anytime a commentator says:
"Super Bowl" = 1 drink of beer
"New York" = 1 drink
"Manning" = 1 drink
"Tom" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Coughlin" = 1 drink
"Malcolm" = 1 drink
"Chandler" = 1 drink
"Tyree" = 1 drink
"Manningham" = 1 drink (plus the 1 drink for saying "Manning")
"Streak" = 1 drink
"Undefeated" = 1 drink
"18 and 1" = drink beer for 18 seconds, then drink 1 shot of liquor
"Pierre-Paul" = 1 drink
"Fireworks" = 1 drink


Anytime this is happens:
DraftKings or FanDuel commercial = 1 drink (not allowed to do so in New York)
Odell Beckham Jr. catches something with both hands = 1 drink
DeflateGate is mentioned = 1 drink
Shane Vereen catch or carry = 1 drink
Brandon Meriweather dirty play = 1 drink
Tom Brady takes longer than 2 seconds to get rid of the ball = 1 drink
Julian Edelman seems to get concussed = 1 drink
Rob Gronkowski breaks a tackle = 1 drink
Gronk scores a touchdown = finish your beer, spike the can/bottle (bonus points for spiking glass)
LeGarrette Blount breaks a 10+ yard run = 1 drink
Jamie Collins does something freakishly athletic = 1 drink
Chandler Jones records a sack = 1 drink
Touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff or punt return = drink for the duration of the return
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink


Anytime this is on screen:
Fall foliage = 1 drink, bonus points if it's pumpkin flavored
DraftKings logo = 1 drink
Highlights of a Super Bowl = drink for the duration of the highlight, then throw up if it was against the Giants
Roman numerals = 1 drink per set of numerals
Highlights of a Giants receiver making a ridiculous catch = drink entire beer, take a shot, snort a line of oxy
Clip of a former Patriots receiver named Wes dropping a catch = finish your beer, pop a Molly, and sign with the Rams
Bill Belichick as a NY Giants coach = drink a giant sized beer, like those Fosters beers
60 Minutes promo = 1 drink per clock tick
Jason Pierre-Paul's bandaged hand = 1 drink
Graphic about Pats' O-line injuries = 1 drink per injured player mentioned
A sign about DeflateGate = 1 drink
The New York skyline = 1 drink
The disgusting wastelands of north New Jersey = 1 drink
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink while he's talking

So enjoy the Pats-Giants game, get lubed up, and please don't play this drinking game because you'll probably die.