Saturday, April 03, 2021

The Ten Commandments Drinking Game

It's the Saturday before Easter, which means The Ten Commandments is on TV in all its epic grandeur and absurd splendor. As an 11th Commandment: thou shalt play this drinking game during this legendary film (actually you really should not play this game). Here are the rules.

Anytime a character or the narrator says...
"Bitter" = thou shalt take 1 drink
"Bondage" = 1 drink
"Hard" = 1 shot of hard liquor
"So let it be written" = 1 drink
"So let it be done" = 1 drink
"God" or "god(s)" or "Lord" = 1 drink
"Hosts" = 1 drink
"Let my" = 1 drink
"People go" = 1 drink
"Staff" = 1 drink
"Slave" = 1 drink
"Brick" = 1 drink
"Whip" = 1 drink
"Goshen" = 1 drink
"Abraham" = 1 drink
"Pharaoh" = 1 drink
"Moses" = 1 drink

Anytime this is on screen...
Blood = 1 drink
Fire = 1 drink
A body of water (parted or unparted) = 1 drink
Mud = 1 drink (bonus points if from a mudslide)
A male nipple = 1 drink per nipple
100+ extras in a scene = finish your drink
Really old animation = 1 drink
Statue or idol = 1 drink per statue/idol
Someone sitting on a throne = 1 drink per bethroned person
Someone being carried on a litter = 1 drink per person carrying them
A character lying on their side lounging in luxury = 1 shot
Someone toiling = 1 drink per toiling person
Livestock = 1 drink per animal
Vincent Price = 1 drink per line of dialogue

Anytime this happens...
A plague = drink for 7 seconds
A woman fawns or goes crazy over a man (even a theoretical one) = 1 drink per woman fawning
Pharaoh's heart is hardened = 1 shot of hard liquor
Someone dies (on or offscreen) = 1 drink per death
Moses just rambles on like a crazy person = drink for as long as he rants
An Egyptian abuses a Hebrew = 1 drink
A Hebrew abuses a Hebrew = 1 drink
An unnecessary dance number = drink for the duration of the dancing
People sing = drink for the duration of the singing
Someone is whipped = 1 drink per lash
Moses' facial hair changes style or color = finish your beer
Aaron helps out with something = 1 drink
An unnamed Hebrew character says something = 1 drink
Nefritiri deceives or manipulates someone = 1 drink
Yul Brynner poses like an absolute boss = 1 drink
Any character makes a big entrance = finish your drink
Someone barks out orders or commands (including those on tablets) = 1 drink per order/command
Someone says or does something sexually inappropriate/aggressive = 1 drink
You lose track of who is who and/or how they are related to each other = one full beer
Someone (you're watching with) makes a joke about the Suez Canal = 1 drink for you, the person telling the joke must drink a full beer

So let it be written, so let it be drunk

But seriously, do not play this game with these full rules, you will pass out (or worse) before Moses even realizes he's Hebrew.

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Halak lets in two turds, Bruins have stellar third

The Bruins showed us and the rest of the hockey world why they won the Presidents' Trophy in the third period of Monday night's game against Carolina. After playing with a regular season level of intensity in the first 40 minutes, the Bruins dominated the final period led by two goals from Jake DeBrusk.

Earlier in the game they were losing the battles along the boards and not just the 50/50 up-for-grabs puck battles. There were times that Carolina just took the puck away through will power.

Even though the B's got their act together in time, I'm growing concerned about Halak. The first two goals he allowed were soft. I'm worried Carolina might have found a weakness on his glove side that they'll be targeting for the rest of the series. The Hurricanes have had time to study Halak now, as opposed to Saturday when we learned he was starting about 2 hours before the puck dropped.

I'll conclude by mentioning that Zdeno Chara is 43-years old. That's amazing. He was drafted in 1996. How many NHL, Olympic, minor league/junior, Europe during lockdown games is that? He's played 189 NHL playoff games. And he's done it without hiring sketchy trainers or selling "immunity" products, like some other 40+ athletes we know.

Celtics' two Dr. Jays beat 76ers

Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown led the Celtics in scoring with 32 and 29 points, respectively, pushing the Celtics to their 109-101 win.

The Celtics dominated in the even quarters, combining to outscore the 76ers 64-45 in the 2nd and 4th. Tatum scored 15 of his 32 in the 2nd. And critically, Brown scored 15 of his 29 in the 4th.

I loved how well the Celtics played in the 4th in response to a 76ers surge in the 3rd. There were a handful of clutch defensive and offensive possessions, Daniel Theis was earning Tommy Points left and right hustling after the ball, besides Tatum's 15 4th quarter points there was Kemba Walker scoring 11 of his 19 total points in the 4th. And they hit their free throws.

Philadelphia put up a solid fight. They hit a lot of their shots early to keep pace with the Celtics. Then they started to roll in the 3rd, forcing the C's to have the great 4th quarter that they did.

We'll see if that fight continues in the rest of the series. We'll see how the Gordon Hayward ankle sprain pans out and the impact that has. After the stoppage and the abbreviated regular season conclusion, these 7 game series seem longer than usual for some reason.

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Bruins Game 3 win not as impressive as you think

Plenty of things to like about the Bruins' Game 3 win over Carolina. They seemed to rally around surprise goalie Jaroslav Halak. There were stretches of this game that they outright dominated. Charlie Coyle looked stellar.

But there was still lots of room for improvement. I'm not trying to be negative, I simply want to point out that the Bruins made enough mistakes that a slightly better team (and maybe one that wasn't so focused on officiating) might have capitalized on to beat them.

Halak looked solid, apart from that brain fart behind the net. But don't forget that late in the 1st period he covered a puck right on the goal line. If that had gone over and the Bruins fell behind 1-0 late in the opening period, the game might look very different. This was much more of a game of inches (millimetres in Canada) than it appeared at first glance.

Anders Bjork's tripping penalty in the 3rd was so poorly timed and unnecessary. You dominate play for 5 minutes and then give up an opportunity by committing a penalty 180 feet from your net. Bjork had a hat-trick of penalties, on in each period.

All things considered, it was a big win. It was nice to see all the players on the ice giving a full playoff effort, which hasn't been the case for the Bruins since the season restarted.

Rask pulls himself out of bubble: cause for criticism or fine with it?

Before getting into Tuukka Rask opting out, I want to establish a few things:

1. I have no issue with any athlete opting out of a sport
2. We are not owed explanations for why they are opting out
3. A player opting out isn't an invitation for sports media to concoct "hot take" theories

Rask's timing is unique. And comes after some off-putting remarks about games feeling like an exhibition. The announcement came just hours before Game 3 of a tied playoff series.

I'm quick to judge Rask. I've never been a big fan. He isn't a great playoff goalie but gets praised as though he were, and seems to get a pass for every bad goal he gives up.

So I'll try to play devil's advocate here. As much as I want to ask "Why now, why not a week ago?" that would go against the rules I set for myself above.

He could have felt like this for days or weeks, but wanted to try to play through it, or thought playoff games would bring the intensity he wasn't feeling. He could have felt the pain of being separated from family for a few days and thought "This might go on for weeks and weeks," and came to the conclusion it wasn't worth it.

He also could have looked at his effort levels in the first two games, saw himself at a regular season level, his teammates playing at playoff intensity, and felt it was unfair to them to keep playing like that.

So as much as I think Tuukka Rask is overrated, as much as I think he's treated as immune from criticism by some in this town, and as weird as the timing on this opt out is, I'm fine with it.

Thursday, August 13, 2020

Bruins first team to wake up in morning playoff game

Define weird: watching the Presidents' Trophy winning Bruins who are also somehow the 4th seed team play a home playoff game in Toronto in front of no fans at 11am on a Wednesday.

I love Patrice Bergeron. Where does he fit all time in Bruins history? If you had to put 5 Bruins skaters on the ice in a do or die game I think Bergeron would have to be one of them. This was his fourth career playoff OT goal (most in Bruins history).

The Bruins looked better in this game than in any of the round-robins, but they're not quite playing at post-season levels. Maybe it was the odd circumstances around their game being delayed for 15 hours.

I'd like to see the Bruins do better at the things that are much more important in the playoffs than in regular season hockey. Specifically: board battles, puck support, zone entry/exit, hopeful passing.

Losing board battles isn't the end of the world, but you can't overly commit to a battle and allow the opponent to have space if they win the puck. This led to Carolina's first goal.

The hopeful no look passing works in regular season hockey but in the playoffs there's much less space, much less room for error.

I'm going to criticize Tuukka Rask next, so brace yourself. I'm not saying Rask is a bad playoff goalie. He's just not a great playoff goalie. On Brock McGinn's shorthanded breakaway how confident were you that Rask would make a big save? And on Carolina's first goal Rask was caught pushing a bit too much leaving enough space open for Edmundson to beat him.

Had the Bruins lost the game Rask would not have been the reason why, he also wasn't a big reason why they won.

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Red Sox to move game start times to 11pm so people fall asleep before realizing how bad this team is

Why are these games starting at 7:30pm? I've seen a story about how the Red Sox say that it increases viewership. What's that based on? What past data do they have regarding pandemic TV watching patterns for late summer? Hey good idea having a 7:30pm start time when the Bruins playoffs are on at 8, that will be great for viewers.

I couldn't stay awake during the late innings Monday night so watched the grim conclusion Tuesday morning. Not a great way to start the day.

It's depressing when this team scores 3 runs in the first, 7 in total, and because there aren't legitimate starters on the staff you're always feeling very much behind. And then after nearly 4 and a half hours you realize you're watching a team whose own ownership and front office isn't interested in, as demonstrated by the insulting pitching staff assembled.

Man of the Game: Manuel Margot
He was 4 for 4 with a pair of doubles, including an 8th inning RBI double that wound up being the decisive run. He also stole a base.

Honorable Mentions:
Kevin Kiermaier: 2 for 4, 3 RBI, 2B, 2 SB, BB
JD Martinez: 3 for 4, HR
Kevin Plawecki: 3 for 4, 2 RBI
Jonathan Arauz: 3 for 4, 2 RBI

Shame Shares:
Ownership: 0.3 shares - for putting the team in a position to have no starters, and a lack of middle/long relievers
Chaim Bloom: 0.1 share - Ibid.
Colten Brewer: 0.1 share - 3 IP, 3 R, 2 ER
Jeffrey Springs: 0.2 shares - 1.1 IP, 3 ER
Ron Roenicke: 0.1 share - for leaving Springs out there
Phillips Valdez: 0.1 share - 2 IP, ER
Kevin Pillar: 0.1 share - 0 for 5, 2 K