A Tyler Seguin free explanation of why the Bruins suck

The Bruins played two games against weak opponents over the weekend, and only got 2 points. The Senators had a losing road record, and the B's lost to them at home. The Hurricanes are the second worst team in the NHL, and the B's lost to them in a shootout. Want to avoid playoff hockey? Continue to lose points to poor teams.

Tyler Seguin's absence is not the reason the Bruins are 5th in the division, are a point out of the playoffs, and have allowed more goals than they've scored. The Bruins won the President's Trophy last year without Seguin. So winning without Seguin is possible. And having Seguin doesn't automatically cause winning. The Stars are also out of the playoffs. The 16 teams sitting in playoff positions all lack Tyler Seguins. Somehow, they can win without Seguin. The Bruins can also win without Seguin.

I'll agree that the Bruins should have gotten more in return for him, and that the lack of return for him is contributing to their current struggles, but his presence on this team would do little to improve some very serious issues. Such as...

Tuukka Time running out
Rask is 23rd in GAA (2.54) and 25th in save percentage (.911).

If Rask were caught wearing a Jeb Bush 2016 campaign button, I think fans and media would turn on him just like they turned on Tim Thomas. Rask's play isn't much better than Thomas' back in the 2011-12 season, when Thomas and his politics were blamed for the team's post-Cup struggles.

Rask hasn't been awful. But his job requires more than "not awful." His job is to help the team win. And he's not doing that.

He stopped 35 shots against Carolina Sunday, but the goal he allowed in regulation was a little soft. He's capable of doing better. He's capable of stopping that shot, and pitching a shutout to give his team 2 much needed points. And against Ottawa on Saturday the Senators' first goal over his shoulder was very stoppable. The B's probably win in regulation if Rask had done his job.

Seguin isn't a goalie, he wouldn't be able to help solve this problem.

Loafing Lucic a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty
Can someone slip some adderall in this guy's Gatorade to wake him up and get him focused? Lucic is just a lumbering oaf on skates these days. One goal and 4 assists the last 15 games. Did you even notice him in on the ice in those games? Only when the camera accidentally caught him wandering around the ice lost.

I don't care about the lack of scoring as much as I do about the lack of energy. Svedberg has skated more miles and with more intensity than Lucic this season. Lucic is not playing with any purpose.

Seguin is not a power forward like Lucic can be. Seguin wouldn't help.

No Shawn Thornton replacement. No fighters=no fight
Last year the B's were second in the NHL with 46 fighting majors. Today they're tied for 11th with 15, on pace for 31, a 32% reduction in fights. The Bruins are also on pace for a 23% reduction in points. Coincidence?

Shawn Thornton had 10 of those fights last year, and those were against the strongest, toughest fighters in the NHL. Those were the heavyweight bouts that got the blood pumping. This season Gregory Campbell leads the team with 4 fights. Lucic has 3. I guess Lucic's value as a scorer means he's too important to be fighting. Can't risk hurting those goal-scoring hands. Bobby Robins, currently playing in Providence, is third on the Bruins with 2 fights.

Fighting was part of this team's identity last season. Nine Bruins fought multiple times, 5 had 5+ fights. Even Bergeron dropped the gloves.

This team lacks energy. I understood not keeping Thornton, but the B's made no effort to replace him and the energy he brought both as a 4th liner and a fighter. Not replacing Thornton was like replacing your morning coffee with warm cream and valium.

Seguin doesn't fight.

Cap jail
The Bruins never made tough salary cap decisions until they were forced to before this season, trading Johnny Boychuk to the Islanders (who should rename their team: Lost). The B's didn't make compromises with who'd they sign, who'd they let go. They locked up their top 4 forwards, their top 2 defensemen (3 counting Boychuk), and their goalie.

Milan Lucic costs the team $6 million. He's on pace to score 12 goals. $500k per goal. That's a horrible rate.

Chris Kelly and Loui Eriksson combine to make $7.25 million. So not only do the Bruins spend for their best forwards ($17.75 million for Bergeron, Lucic, and Krejci), they also spend for guys whose production could be replaced by players making a third as much.

Is Marchand a $4.5 million player? At times. But he's paid that salary all the time.

You can't just retain everybody you want. The Bruins did that for years, re-signing everyone who played well. We as fans praised it. We thought the B's were building a strong foundation. What they were doing, however, was building their own prison cell around themselves.

They now have overpaid, under-performing players, and lack the flexibility to make significant changes.

Here Seguin would help, because he's not making much money. But Chris Kelly would still be on the roster.

By the way, Bruins fans, stop giving Neely all the credit when moves work out, and Chiarelli all the blame when they don't. I know we all love Cam, and Chiarelli is just a guy in a suit to us, but let's not divide credit and blame based on fanboy love.

This team can play better than this. But if they haven't gotten their collective heads out of their collective ass by now, when will they? They see the standings. They see the calendar changing to 2015. They've seen Krejci and Chara return. What will it take to wake the proverbial bear? Will Jack Edwards need to sacrifice himself to the hockey gods by humping the third rail at North Station?

Even if that works and they make playoffs, I'm not optimistic about their chances for a deep run. Rask is not yet a proven playoff goalie. Marchand is awful in the playoffs. This team has no defensive depth.

Tyler Seguin isn't a goalie, so he can't help Rask. Seguin struggles more in the playoffs than Marchand has. Tyler Seguin is not a defenseman. So even with Seguin, this team would be facing playoff difficulties, if they can get their act together and make the playoffs.

Photo Credit:
Jerome Miron/USA Today Sports

Bruins Stanley Cup Drinking Game: Red Wings Series - Game 1

It's Friday night and the Boston Bruins are finally playing the Detroit Red Wings. It's been 57 years since these teams have met in the postseason and it feels like half that has been the time between the end of the regular season and tonight's game. I've developed a serious case of Bru balls waiting for this series to start and tonight's finally the night. Here's a drinking game to play while enjoying Game 1 of the series...

Anytime Jack Edwards says...
"Against the eddy of the flow" = take 1 drink of beer
"A-frames" = 1 drink
"Bee in his bonnet" = 1 drink
"Blows a tire" = 1 drink
"Loses an edge" = 1 drink
"Up ice" = 1 drink
"Wing to wing" = 1 drink
"D to D" = 1 drink
"Johnny rocket" = 1 drink
"Juicy rebound" = 1 drink
"Save by Rask" = 1 drink

Anytime this is on screen...
Someone holding a replica Stanley Cup
Dennis Seidenberg skating in practice = 1 drink
Dennis Seidenberg sitting on the 9th floor = 1 drink
Henrik Zetterberg = 1 drink
Jack Edwards jumping up and down = 1 drink
An octopus = drink for 8 seconds
Black and white photos of Bruins/Red Wings history = 1 drink per photo
Mike Babcock = 1 drink
Angry Claude Julien = 1 drink

Anytime this happens...
Brad Marchand pisses someone off = 1 drink
Patrice Bergeron wins a faceoff = 1 drink
The crowd goes "Tuuuuuuuk" or "Kruuuuuug" = 1 drink
Andrej Meszaros screws something up = 1 drink
Zdeno Chara's height/reach is mentioned = 1 drink
A Swedish player scores = 1 shot of Absolut
Jack Edwards praises Pavel Datsyuk = 1 drink
Edwards yells = 1 drink
Edwards cackles maniacally = 1 drink
Edwards alludes to something pre-1950 = 1 drink
Edwards complains about officiating = 1 drink
Edwards reminds you of Tommy Heinsohn = 1 drink + 1 Tommy Point
A fight (unlikely) = finish your beer and take a shot

Tim Thomas Throws a Nutty

I'm a big Tim Thomas fan. What he did for the Bruins was amazing. I like him because his career path was so untraditional, and required hard work and determination. The guy played all over the US and Europe before getting a chance as an NHL goalie. And in his two Vezina winning seasons, he began each campaign as the backup then earned the #1 spot.

I don't like what he did Tuesday night, slashing Bruins forward Carl Soderberg on the neck. It was a dangerous play.

I did enjoy Jack Edwards' indignation. After years of orgasming every time Thomas aggressively "protected" himself in the crease, Edwards now wants Thomas suspended. I used to think Edwards was just another homer announcer, only more exuberant than most. Now I think he's more of a hypocrite with double standards for the B's and the 29 other teams.

And you Bruins fans should measure your anger at this play. Listen to the TD Garden crowd chant Thomas' name after this slashing incident in the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals...

You loved when Thomas did this stuff for you. You don't get to act like you have moral high ground when he does this wearing a different uniform.

After the game Thomas joked about the State of the Union being less painful for him to watch then allowing 6 goals, and claimed that his slash of Soderberg was a response to something Soderberg did to him on a previous play.

Thomas has always actively defended himself. A slash to the neck is significantly worse than a slash to the leg, and I think a suspension or hefty fine would be appropriate disciplinary action for the League to take.

But I still like Thomas. I like him because of that fire he brings to the game.

And unlike Wes Welker, Thomas didn't injure one of his former team's most important players.

NESN Is Foolish to Break Up the Naoko-Edwards-Brickley Line

NESN has decided not to renew the contract of Bruins "sideline" reporter Naoko Funayama, so as of this summer she will no longer be working for the regional sports network.

You fools!

She was great. She did her job well. Her reports were concise and to the point. She wasn't distracting. She didn't steer the broadcast away from the game. She played her part in the well-balanced line of Funayama-Edwards-Brickley. Edwards brought the colorful character, Brickley brought the expert analysis, and Funayama brought the ground-level reporting.

Funayama did what fewer and fewer sideline reporters do: REPORT. She had a good rapport with the players, and she was respected by everyone (as evidence by the stream of Tweets about her losing her job). Who else would inspire both media colleagues and Bruins players to mourn her departure?

Naoko is pro at rink and better person. Type to keep, not let go. Genius move, NESN.
— Fluto Shinzawa (@GlobeFluto) June 28, 2013

@NaokoFunayama naoko .....:(
— Tyler Seguin (@tylerseguin92) June 28, 2013

The word "Naoko" is trending on my Twitter at the moment. For a sideline reporter. On this week of all weeks in Boston sports.

I don't know why NESN did this. It certainly can't be for failing to do her job. They must have a replacement in mind.

Maybe she'll be replaced by some bleached blonde bimbo with hair extensions who spends less time reporting in the dressing room than she does undressing players with her eyes.

Maybe she'll be replaced by some Bill Simmons type, who doesn't try to get a good answer, but rather tries to ask a question that becomes a story in and of itself.

Maybe NESN wants Bruins broadcasts to be like Red Sox broadcasts, and have a sideline reporter that moderates social media discussions, and relentlessly promotes the non-sports aspects of the on-air product.

Or maybe she'll be replaced by Leah Hextall, who is a fine reporter, and Ron Hextall's niece, but I just don't see the need to replace Naoko at all.

Unfortunately, working hard, being respected by peers and interviewees alike, and taking your job seriously are no longer the hallmarks of sports journalism. This is the era of the loud, bombastic, speculative sports journalist. This is the era when eye candy is more important than substance. This is the era when a TV channel would rather employ a reporter who asks questions that piss off the interviewee, as opposed to a reporter who gets their questions answered.

Kate Upton Should Do Play-by-Play for the Bruins (So We Can Watch Her Jump Up and Down)*

Bruins play-by-play announcer Jack Edwards has received some criticism for jumping up and down when the Bruins tied the Rangers Tuesday night. And I think that's a bit unfair. He was excited. And if I were at the game, I'd be jumping up and down too. What made Edwards look silly were the circumstances surrounding his jumping:

1. Men wearing suits look silly when they jump up and down.

2. Men wearing suits look extra silly jumping up and down when standing next to a man in a suit who isn't jumping.

3. Skinny old men with glasses look ridiculously uber-silly when jumping up and down standing next to a man in a suit who isn't jumping.

People like to criticize Jack Edwards, and use the word "caricature" to do it. And while Edwards's shtick goes well beyond normal broadcasting homerism, I think the people critiquing him should remember that he is an entertainer. He's not covering a Presidential Debate or doing play-by-play of a high speed chase. It's a hockey game. Edwards is the equivalent of a goofy weatherman. He tries to add a bit of fun. And if you're not entertained, that's your opinion. But don't get on a high horse about "broadcasting professionalism" or anything like that. He's not trying to be Dan Rather or Walter Cronkite. He's calling a hockey game.

And when you look back at the all-time most memorable sports broadcasters, who stands out? The subdued, dignified, by-the-book professionalists? Or the nutjobs? Who would you rather listen to, Joe Buck or Harry Carey? Do you want to go back in time and get Yogi Berra fired for being a caricature? Or go even further back and tell Red Barber to stop using southern catchphrases like "walking in the tall cotton" or "can of corn?"

Edwards gets carried away. Which is what being a fan is all about. His routine isn't for everyone, just like any entertainer's. But he does his research, he knows the game, knows the players, and to me seems just as professional as any other broadcaster I've heard.

I would still prefer Kate Upton bouncing up and down instead of him.