Patriots-Jets Drinking Game: Christmas Eve Edition

Ho Ho Ho!!! Merry Christmas!!! And what better way to celebrate the holidays than to imbibe some Christmas spirits while watching the Patriots (hopefully) ruin yet another Christmas for the Jets. By playing this game you will ensure that you will be given a massive hangover as a present from Old St. Nick, and perhaps some severe liver damage or a trip to the hospital for a stomach pump. 

Here's a drinking game to play while watching the Patriots steal Christmas from the Jets, Grinch style. And similar to the Grinch, if you play this game your liver will grow three sizes this day...

Everytime a commentator says:

"Happy" or "Merry" = take 1 drink from a beer

"Holidays" or "Christmas" = 1 drink

"Hanukkah" = take 8 drinks

"Rivalry" = 1 drink

"New" (as in New York and New England) = 1 drink

"AFC East" = 1 drink

"Holly" = 1 drink

"Jolly" = 1 drink

"Rain" = 1 drink

"Snow" = 1 drink

"Brandon" = 1 drink

"Malcolm" = 1 drink

"Marshall" = 1 drink

"Jones" = 1 drink

"Tis" = 1 drink

"The season" = 1 drink

"Season's greetings" = 1 drink

Anytime this is on screen:

Video of the Jets losing = 1 drink

A Santa hat = 1 drink

Santa = 1 drink, 2 cookies, glass of milk

Snow (fake or real) = 1 drink

Christmas tree = 1 drink

Wreath = 1 drink

Ugly Christmas sweater = 1 drink

A fireplace = 1 drink per log

A player or coach's family = 1 drink per family member

Christmas lights = 1 drink

Candle = 1 drink per candle (lit candles only so watch those Menorahs)

Reindeer = 1 drink per reindeer

Grinch = 1 drink

Darelle Revis = 1 drink (bonus points if you're drinking an island/tropical drink)

Bill Belichick = 1 drink and last person to say "Bah Humbug" has to finish their beer

Rob Gronkowski = finish your beer and spike the container (bonus points if it's glass)

Robert Kraft = 1 drink

Robert Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking

Anytime this happens:

The Jets do something stupid = 1 drink

Cyrus Jones does something stupid = 1 drink

Cyrus Jones isn't on the field at a time he had been in the past = 1 shot of liquor

Cyrus Jones is actually on the field = entire beer + 2 shots of liquor

Touchback = 1 drink

Kickoff return = drink during entire return

Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink

Brady throws to Edelman = 1 drink

Gostkowski misses a kick = 1 shot of liquor

A runningback catches a pass = 1 drink

LeGarrette Blount runs the ball = 1 drink + 1 hit from a blunt

Malcolm Butler breaks up a pass = finish your beer

Devin McCourty makes a big hit = finish your beer

Patriots go no huddle = drink each snap

Tom Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink (bonus points for drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade but only if you're a girl, negative points for guys)

Brady says "Alpha milk" = 1 drink (bonus points if you're drinking a White Russian)

So get lubed up, enjoy the game, Merry Holidays to all and to all a good night!!!!!!

Patriots win was ugly, had good personality

Ugly wins are wins. This was just about as ugly as you could get. No protection for Brady, who\ made a very poor decision and threw a pick. Inconsistent pressure on Geno Smith. Stupid penalties. No offensive movement for most of the game. Ugly, ugly, ugly. But a win, win, win.

And by winning the Patriots advance to the Divisional Round of the playoffs, with a chance to clinch the #1 seed pending the Broncos/Bengals game.

As unattractive as this game was for the Patriots, some big plays gave it a good personality. The Pats rarely pressured Smith, but when they did they forced an interception, and sacked him twice on big third down plays when the Jets were threatening to score. One sack pushed the Jets back 10 yards before they attempted a 52-yard field goal. That field goal was tipped by Vince Wilfork, and the Patriots kept the lead.

Special teams once again factored into a victory, both the blocked field goal and a 39-yard punt return by Danny Amendola at the start of the 2nd quarter that eventually led to Gronkowski's touchdown.

Speaking of Amendola, this was by far his best performance of the year. Brady targeted him 11 times and he caught 8 passes, both team highs, for 63 yards. He had 8 catches in his previous 6 games combined, and only 68 yards. A third of his production this season came Sunday afternoon.

When he got hurt last year and Edelman stepped in and excelled, Amendola found himself without a role in this offense. That's not an excuse, because it speaks to a lack of versatility on Amendola's part, as well as his difficulty staying healthy. Nevertheless, it's unfair to just dismiss him as a complete failure, because if not for Edelman being a great slot receiver, Amendola would have been a good one. When charged with that task, he's done well.

One thing that this game made clear is that the running backs will only do as well as the offensive line does. All the clamoring for Jonas Gray to get carries, all the lobbying made by fans and pundits to run the ball more, it's based on how well the line has played, not how good the RBs are. Jonas Gray had a great game against Indy. But he did it behind an offensive line having an even better game. On Sunday the line struggled, and so did the RBs.

And that point also should make your o-line concerns more prominent. It's the biggest worry this team has going into the playoffs. Brady can't pass without protection. Blount, Gray, and Vereen can't run without holes. This team can't move the ball if the line can't win battles in the trenches.

Concerns aside, the Patriots won the bye, and can clinch home-field advantage if Cincinnati beats Denver Monday night. When the Patriots squeezed by the Jets 27-25 in October, and were about to play a bunch of games against tough teams, did you imagine that they'd be on the verge of clinching the #1 seed?

Hopefully Cincinnati gives us an early Christmas present.

Photo Credit:
Andrew Millis/NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

Patriots-Jets Drinking Game: Thursday Night Football (sucks) Edition

I've had enough of Thursday Night Football. If the Patriots aren't playing, I tend not to care about it at all. If the Pats are playing, it throws off my whole week. You're supposed to watch the game Sunday, digest the result on Monday, analyze it on Tuesday, see where it stacks up in the big picture on Wednesday, start looking ahead on Thursday, then enjoy the beginning of the weekend Friday. Then the weekend ends with football on Sunday.

Thursday Night Football doesn't fit in. And it double-screws fans who go to the game, since they can't properly tailgate without leaving work early, and can't get properly lubed up without taking Friday off.

If you're going to play this drinking game, it will do more than throw you off your rhythm. It will incapacitate you 60+ hours, until the remainder of the NFL games are played Sunday afternoon.

Anytime a commentator says:
"Rain" or anything weather related = 1 drink of beer
"Thursday" = 1 drink
"New" = 1 drink
"Divisiona(al)" = 1 drink
"Rival(ry)" = 1 drink
"East" = 1 drink
"Rex" = 1 drink
"Line" = 1 drink
"Coach" = 1 drink
"Dante" = 1 drink
"Logan" = 1 drink
"Revis" = 1 drink
"Island" = 1 drink, preferably something tropical
"Injury" = 1 drink
"ACL" and/or "MCL" = 1 drink
"Hoomanawanui" or any variation of it = 1 drink


Anytime this is on screen:
Puddles or running water = 1 drink
Someone in a raincoat or poncho = 1 drink per coat
Foliage = 1 drink for every color of leaf you can see
A pumpkin = 1 drink. If drinking a pumpkin flavored beer, you must finish it
A graphic with pictures of Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick = drink the entire time the graphic is on screen
A graphic with quotes = drink the entire time the graphic is on screen
A Patriot player getting injured, live or on film = 1 shot of liquor
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink for as long as he's talking
Bill Belichick = 1 drink
Rex Ryan = 1 drink, plus a goddamn snack
Belichick and Ryan on split screen = half a beer
Ryan and Belichick shaking hands = 1 shot
Danny Amendola = finish your beer


Anytime this happens:
A penalty flag = 1 drink
A bad penalty flag = 1 shot
Touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff return = drink for the duration of the return. For bonus points, drink 1 second for every yard the return gained
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = half a beer
Michael Vick = no drinks, but if you have a dog, give it a good belly rub and pat yourself on the back that you're a good pet owner
You're mesmerized by how white Rex Ryan's teeth are = 1 drink, then swallow a shot of Listerine
Josh McDaniels gets too cute with play-calling = 1 shot
Chandler Jones makes a big play = 1 drink
The Patriots go no huddle = 1 drink per snap
Brady points out the "mic" = 1 drink
Brady says "Alpha Milk" = 1 drink, bonus points if drinking a White Russian
Brady and a receiver aren't on the same page = 1 drink
You're worried that Edelman is hurt = 1 drink
You're worried that Gronk is hurt = 1 drink
Brady throws to someone not named Julian or Rob = 1 drink
That person catches the ball = another drink
Brady gets hurried = 1 drink
Brady gets hit = 1 drink, 1 shot
Brady gets sacked = 1 drink, 1 shot, snort a line of painkillers
Vince Wilfork makes a big play = 1 drink
Wilfork forces and/or recovers a turnover = 1 drink, 1 shot
Wilfork returns a turnover for a TD = 1 drink, 1 shot, eat a turkey leg
You realize that the Kansas City Royals are in the World Series, and it's the first time that's happened since the Super Bowl Shuffle = drink something that's 29 years old, or drink 29 ounces of something heavily alcoholic


Get lubed up responsibly, stay dry, and enjoy the game

NFL Refs Conspiring to Ruin Football Games? Revenge for Lockout?

Nothing will ever match the ineptitude of last year's replacement refs. They couldn't keep up with the pace of the game. They made obvious blunders. They ruined the on-field product so badly that the NFL caved and we all celebrated the return of the real refs, who performed so much better than their scab counterparts.

Then there's this year. For the most part NFL refs have been fine. They're not perfect. They make mistakes. And there's the same old inconsistencies with holding and P.I. and all that stuff that's always been annoying.

Then there are a handful of weird plays, all at the ends of big games, that involve obscure rules, or questionable rule interpretations, or forgetting what down it is.

The Patriots and Jets played an overtime game that turned when the Pats were flagged for pushing each other while attempting to block a hopelessly long field goal. Two Sundays ago the Patriots were in Charlotte and the game ended with a pass interference flag being picked up. And this past Sunday the Redskins were apparently given a 1st down, which was actually 3rd down, then the refs caught the "mistake" and reset the dial-a-down to indicate a 4th down. They also failed to measure the very close 1st down that wasn't actually a 1st down.

Mike Shanahan probably didn't ask for a measurement since he seemed to think his team already had a 1st down.

It's just weird that these things are happening. That was replacement level incompetence in the Redskins game. I haven't seen that pushing penalty called since the Pats/Jets game. And few people who don't work for the NFL think it was correct for the officials to pick up the P.I. flag in the Pats/Panthers game.

There was also the Steelers game on Thanksgiving, in which the refs took a touchdown off the board because the ball carrier's helmet was knocked off half a second before he scored a touchdown.

Is there a conspiracy? I doubt it.

Or do I?

Are a group of rogue referees trying to get revenge on the NFL for last year's lockout? Have they decided to spoil the endings of close marquee NFL games with confusion? They waited until the end of the game to penalize the Patriots for their pushing. They tried to go back in take a touchdown from the Steelers. They royally screwed up the end of the Redskins game, and never paused to explain the confusion to anyone on either sideline.

Lack of explanation is another trend in these calls. Belichick didn't get one in Carolina. Shanahan didn't get one Sunday night.

How many times have we heard football pundits and talking heads say "I've never seen anything like this," in regards to officials this year?

It's almost too odd. And keep in mind, the crew that officiated that Steelers game also did the Pats/Panthers game with that waved off pass interference in the end zone.

And three of these four games were nationally televised. The Steelers and Redskins games were on NBC, the Pats/Panthers game was on a Monday Night. Three were divisional matchups. Three were rivalry games. And 6 of the 7 different teams involved are among the NFL's most popular. The teams involved have also won 9 of the last 13 Super Bowls.

It's just too weird for the best football refs to make such bizarre decisions at the endings of big games. A little too weird.

Bill Belichick Takes Responsibility for Pushing Penalty, and That's Why I Love Him

When speaking to the media Monday morning, Bill Belichick took responsibility for the 15 yard penalty that might have cost the Patriots a win against the Jets on Sunday. This was in contrast to his post-game remarks about the call. On Sunday Belichick pointed out that Chris Jones, the player penalized, was not a "second level" player, and therefore the rule about pushing a teammate into the pile should not apply to him.

The confusion seems to have been caused by the NFL's explanation of the enforcement of the rule, which mentioned that players in the defense's second level would be penalized for pushing their line of scrimmage teammates. However, the rule itself does not make such a distinction. According to the official rule, in field-goal and PAT situations, no defensive player can push a teammate into the pile, regardless of where either player was when the play started.

Belichick could have continued to make a stink, but he didn't. He could have pointed out that the rule hadn't been enforced for 6 weeks. He could have asked why it was called in that particular situation and not before, such as in Week 6 against the Saints.

Or earlier in the game when a Jet pushed his teammate when the Patriots were kicking a field-goal (watch the interior of the Jets line, just to the right of the Pats long-snapper).

Or Belichick could have done what he might be expected to do and ignore it. And try to convince the media to ignore it. He could have given a standard Belichick line like "We're focusing on Miami this week."

What he did say was wiser. He took responsibility for coaching Chris Jones to do that: "What he did was basically what he was being told to do. We just have to coach it better. That’s not Chris Jones' fault."

And when asked about the confusion over the rule Belichick stated "...obviously we are wrong. What else is there to say? We're wrong."

What taking responsibility does is kill and bury the story for Belichick and his players. The media can ask questions and the answer can be repeated: "We were wrong." The team can move on. Belichick can move on. The media will try to linger, but the story has been dictated by Belichick that he was wrong, so what else can the media do?

And moving on is what teams need to do after any loss, especially a tough one. After wins too, for that matter. Teams need to look forward at the next opponent, the next obstacle, the next practice. If any part of their focus remains on that penalty, they'll be missing something when they play the Dolphins.

By taking responsibility for the penalty instead of pointing out all the oddities and inconsistencies around it or asking questions about it, Belichick has allowed himself and his players to move on. Which is what we as fans must also do. The play is over, it was weird, but it's in the past.

Field goal images originally found on the New York Daily News website and Barstool Sports.

The Pushing Rule

On Sunday Patriots rookie defensive lineman Chris Jones made history by being the first NFL player to be penalized for pushing his own teammate into other people. NFL Rule 913 (2b) was adopted before the season, but had not been enforced by the League's officials. Although it had been violated. So much so that the League emphasized enforcing the rule in a weekly training video distributed to officials. This video included footage of the rule being broken this season, and no penalty flags being thrown.

So a rule that hadn't been enforced for 6 weeks and 93 games finally got called in overtime on a potential game-winning 56-yard field-goal attempt. The resulting 15-yard penalty moved the Jets from hopeful field-goal range, to probable field-goal range.

We should remember that even if there hadn't been a penalty, the Patriots were not assured of victory. Their offense struggled all day. Who knows what would have happened.

And I do appreciate the intention of the rule. If two behemoth linemen are engaged at the line of scrimmage, using every ounce of strength against the other, then a third person uses their strength and weight to help push their teammate forward, it could become unsafe. And such plays have ended in injury.

Then again, how many plays in football are unsafe? Should we ban receivers from crossing the middle of the defense, or outlaw quarterbacks scrambling, or try to eliminate blocking from the game entirely? Safe football is an oxymoron.

And why is the penalty so harsh? You lose 15 yards because you push your teammate into the pile? So this penalty has the same consequence as decking a defenseless receiver or bodyslamming a quarterback to the ground. Does that make sense?

Well, rules are rules, right.

Except that for 6 weeks this rule wasn't enforced. Then the League decided to enforce it. So the officials knew about this change. Did the teams know that the League had instructed its officials to look for this violation? Because if you fail to enforce a rule for 6 weeks and 90+ games, then decide to enforce it to the letter without any notice, that seems a bit odd. And if the motivation behind the rule is player safety, wouldn't you want to tell the teams that it will be enforced, so that they might emphasize to their players that it might be enforced, so then it ideally won't need to be called? If something is illegal because it is dangerous, isn't it better to prevent it from happening at all than to catch someone in the act?

Maybe the NFL does inform teams of such things. And if they do, then the onus is on the coaching staff to pass that information along to the players.

Although I'm not so sure the NFL does a good job of explaining these rules to teams. In September there was an online article that discussed this rule, and stated that players from the "second level" could not push their teammates who had been on the line of scrimmage. That was how the NFL explained the enforcement of the rule.

This article was altered Sunday evening, not long after Bill Belichick's press conference. It now reads that pushing of any kind is illegal.

For the record, the NFL rule book stipulates that pushing teammates into the pile on a field-goal or PAT is illegal, and doesn't specify which players pushing which other players is illegal. So the rule was properly enforced Sunday, it just wasn't explained very well in September.

The NFL tried to clarify the rule, yet their explanation only muddled things.

Some might think this is justice for those evil Patriots to finally be punished for their history of rule violations and also karmic retribution for the Pats benefiting from things like the Tuck Rule. Some might find it fitting that the team that brought us SpyGate was undermined by a video, this time an NFL officials' training video.

All I see is a defensive linemen doing what he's been doing all season long, then getting penalized for it. I see two sets of large men pushing into each other. One of those men, Jones, barely pushes his teammate forward while he's trying to move forward himself. Then I see a referee throwing a flag, and a ball moved 15 yards forward, and a game being won because the League decided that Week 7 was the time to take a stand on the relatively innocuous thing that Jones was doing.

There's no grand conspiracy. It's just stupid. And silly. Rules are rules, but enforce them from Week 1 if they're in the book. And don't explain the rules one way, enforce them another, and then go back and change the explanation to suit the enforcement. That's ridiculously sketchy. Thankfully, Tom E. Curran noticed the modification.

The Patriots had ample opportunity to win that game before the penalty. And the responsibility for the loss is solely on them. However, the absurdity of the situation should not be ignored. It's ridiculous that a 15-yard penalty resulted from a harmless play that looked like a million other plays. Meanwhile 4 quarterbacks left games with injuries this week. Good job protecting players, NFL.

Patriots Did Enough to Lose Before the Call

I'm not going to discuss the 15-yard pushing penalty in this recap. There will be a discussion of that in a separate post. The Patriots did more than enough on their own to lose Sunday's game. And victory shouldn't be dependent on the officials (or anything else you can't control, such as the weather) being perfect or going your way.

The 2013 version of Tom Brady does not look like any previous year's model. People have been blaming his lack of talented receivers for his lack of performance, but we've seen that Kenbrell Thompkins and Aaron Dobson can play, Julian Edelman is a quality receiver, and now Rob Gronkowski is back. How many more weapons does he need to complete more than half of his passes?

Look at the passes themselves. His accuracy is nowhere near what it once was (or what it once seemed to be). He underthrew Gronk up the seam for what could have been a touchdown, he overthrew Dobson on the sideline for what could have been a touchdown, he throws low to the flat, throws behind receivers running across the middle, and has no touch when he tries to lob it. Did Tim Tebow rub off on him in training camp?

The interception he threw came at a time when the Patriots had all the momentum, had an 11-point lead, the Jets had been struggling to get first downs, and Brady throws a flat ball intended for Gronkowski and Antonio Allen jumped on it. The first step in the Jets' comeback was taken by Tom Brady.

Brady lost this game.

However, I don't think he's on the proverbial Back 9 of his career. We saw against the Saints that he can still make the amazing throws. I don't know why he's been inaccurate at times. I'm sure sports-radio callers will concoct a number of ingenious possibilities. "He spends too much time with his kids," "He wants to screw Belichick for not signing Welker," "He's trying to get traded somewhere else."

By now he should know how fast Dobson and Thompkins run in order to hit them in stride. Maybe Brady is the one who's struggling to adjust, trying to throw to a set of receivers who don't make phenomenal catches on inaccurate balls in their general vicinity. Welker, Hernandez, and Gronkowski could catch anything near them. Now Brady actually has to make accurate throws for his non-Pro-Bowl receivers to catch.

The Pats defense sucked for three Jet possessions, then they suddenly stopped the run and hassled Geno Smith. After those three drives the Patriots held New York to 38 total yards on their next five drives. In the 4th quarter the defense gave the ball back to Brady and the offense multiple times, and in OT they forced the Jets to try a 56-yard field goal.

The defense did their job, without Wilfork, without Mayo, without Kelly, without Talib. The defense only allowed two offensive touchdowns. The offense didn't hold up their part of the bargain.

Here's a frightening stat: the Patriots have only managed to score 9 points in the 3rd quarter this season. That's 9 points in 7 quarters of football.

This game was a great opportunity for the Pats to push themselves higher than the Jets, as well as the Dolphins who lost in Buffalo. And the Pats didn't take advantage.

How good will Brady be going forward? I don't know. It's not to the point where you're worrying about how he'll do. He's still Tom Brady. He's had bad games before. He's capable of doing better and hopefully that's exactly what he does.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Kathy Willens

Patriots Worry Everyone by Going 2-0

The Patriots have won two ugly games in a row. Thursday night the offense hiccuped and sputtered like an old car engine. Multiple drops by Dobson, the running game failed, only 9 first downs, 8 for 14 on 3rd downs, 0 for 3 in the Red Zone. What was once the best unit on the team is now the worst.

I'm going to be positive. Mainly because these two games have been entertaining. They haven't been like comedy movies (like last year's hit Butt Fumble starring Mark Sanchez), they've been more like horror thrillers. They've been scary to watch at times, but you can't look away until you see the ending. Thankfully the main characters live in the end. Except Danny Amendola, he had to sacrifice himself in Week 1 so that Brady could make the sequel.

And on the bright side, the defense played phenomenally Thursday night. It was the type of defensive performance fans have been clamoring for.

When did Pats fans stop enjoying wins and demand only flawless victories? Since when has anything short of a 38-3 win become unacceptable? To quote Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, when did you become so joyless?

Have fun with these nail-biters. It's football season, it's Week 2, and a win is a win is a win.

And you people have been pining for the defense to win games, just like 2003 and 2004. Now that they've done so you want to complain about it? I know the Jets aren't an impressive team to shut down. They're a joke. They purposely went without a punt returner. Twice. But seriously, folks, the defense did a great job Thursday night. Be thankful for it.

The defense made 3 picks, recovered a fumble, and sacked Geno Smith 4 times. And all 4 of those sacks were big situations. There were also 7 tackles for a loss. The Patriots offense sucked, the defense needed to be great, and they answered the call. That's a good sign. That's a really good sign.

We got spoiled with the "high octane" offense of 2007 to 2012, and so did Tom Brady. I know Aaron Dobson's drops would drive any man insane. However, Brady's screaming and histrionics verged on Peyton Manning levels of emotional over-expression. I don't want to see him develop a bad case of Manning Face.

I know the offense sucks and that's something to be concerned about as the schedule grows more difficult. When Gronkowski comes back the Red Zone offense should dramatically improve. Aaron Dobson will either improve or be cut (3 catches Thursday night, from 10 targets, that says it all). Julian Edelman looked great. Losing Vereen hurts the running game as well as the passing game.

The Patriots played without their best receiver, tight-end, and running back last night. And they won. The defense stepped up and made big plays. We've been waiting FOR YEARS to see that. And now when it's finally happened, everyone seems to be panicking. Get over it, enjoy the ride.

Buccaneers come to town a week from Sunday.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Elise Amendola

Patriots Feast on Jets

I was thankful for many things on Thanksgiving. Friends, family, food. And I was thankful for a stress-free fourth quarter in a Patriots game. Because the game was over by halftime. 35 points scored in the 2nd quarter, 21 of which were scored in less than a minute. I've never laughed harder in my life.

The Jets are an awful team. So beating up on them is sort of like Oregon beating Idaho State. It's a good win, but the caliber of opponent isn't very high. The Jets are not a measuring-stick team.

Nevertheless, it's hard not to be very pleased as a Patriots fan right now. They're beating the teams they should beat. They're squeezing out tough wins. And they're taking care of business in the division. They've averaged 46.5 points per game in their last four games. And they're only allowing 20.3 points per game in that span.

Now they have a few extra days off before a trip to Miami, where they can clinch the AFC East title with a win. Potential hat and t-shirt game Sunday at 1.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo

Patriots-Jets Drinking Game: Thanksgiving Edition

Thanksgiving, a time for football and goddamned snacks. And after dealing with your family for a few hours, you might want to drink heavily.

Anytime a commentator says...
"Thanksgiving" = 1 drink from a beer
"Happy" = 1 drink
"Turkey" = 1 drink
"Gobble" = 1 shot of Wild Turkey
"Snack" = 1 drink
"Trimmings" = 1 drink
"Potatoes" = 1 shot of vodka
"Cranberry" = 1 cup of vodka and cranberry
"Stuffing" = 1 drink
"Yams" = drink beer for 10 seconds
"Gravy" = drink a gravy boat full of beer
"Feast" = 1 drink

Anytime this is on the screen:
A member of the broadcast crew greeting their family = 1 drink
A turkey (living, cooked, or cartoon) = 1 drink
Rex Ryan smiling = 1 drink
Bill Belichick scowling = 1 drink
Bill Parcells = 1 drink
Eric Mangini = 1 drink
Curtis Martin = drink for 28 seconds
A player or coach wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving = 1 drink
Pilgrims = 1 drink
Plymouth Rock = drink as much as you can for 16 minutes and 20 seconds (16:20)
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Bob Kraft talking = drink as long as he talks

Anytime this happens:
The broadcasters thank you for welcoming them into your home = drink for 15 seconds
Tom Brady yells "Alpha Milk" = 1 drink
Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink
Patriots get a 1st down = 1 drink
Patriots go no-huddle = 1 drink per snap
Patriots allow 15+ yard pass play = 1 drink
Mark Sanchez makes a dumb throw = 1 drink
Sanchez throws a pass that's tipped = 1 drink
Patriots force a turnover = 1 drink
Vince Wilfork forces or recovers a turnover = 1 drink
Wilfork returns a turnover for a TD = 1 whole beer, 1 shot, 1 pumpkin pie
Kickoff touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff return = drink during the entire return

Please get lubed up responsibly and have a happy Thanksgiving.

Patriots Blow Save, Win in Extra Innings

One good thing about the Patriots is that they play entertaining 4th quarters. One bad thing about the Patriots is that they play entertaining 4th quarters.

At some point this team MUST learn how to close. The difference between good teams and great teams is the ability to close games when you're ahead, and occasionally steal them when you're behind.

If NFL games were 3 quarters long, the Patriots would be 5-1-1 (tied with Buffalo 21-21 after 3 quarters). Not only that, they would've beaten Tennessee by 18, Denver by 17, Seattle by 10, and New York by 10. In 7 games, the Pats have "won" only three 4th quarters. They've been outscored 4 out of 7 games in the 4th.

The Patriots didn't make game-deciding plays until very late in this game. They didn't make game-changing plays either. They dropped passes, didn't take advantage of the safety, didn't take advantage of Alfonzo Dennard's INT, or a facemask penalty on a punt. The Jets gave the Patriots chances to put them away, and the Pats refused. Instead they tried flea-flickers, and that shit needs to stop right fucking now, Josh.

This lack of opportunism is an alarming trend.

Even more disturbing is a realization I had while watching this game: the success or failure of the Patriots depends on Devin McCourty more than anyone else.

That's a scary thought, but it's true. Look at this game. McCourty returns a kickoff and the Patriots look strong. He fumbles a kickoff and the Jets almost win. His blown coverages and pass interference penalties have punctuated game-winning drives for opponents. And his interceptions have sealed victories for the Patriots.

McCourty has had much more influence over the outcome of games than an inconsistent 3rd year defensive back should have. Other players need to step up and take more control of the game.

On the bright side, a win is a win. And Alfonzo Dennard looks very good for a rookie. The Pats ultimately made enough plays to win. The Jets clearly suck. There are some things to be optimistic about.

One request, though... Football stadiums should play "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats whenever there's a safety. Everybody would love it. All the fans would dance and if they don't dance well they're no fans of mine.

Patriots play the Rams in London next Sunday.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo

Patriots-Jets Drinking Game

Here's a drinking game to play during Sunday evening's festivities. Every time certain words, phrases, or images are shown you have to drink a certain amount.

Anytime a commentator says...
"high-octane" or "no huddle" - 1 drink from a beer
"Oregon" or "Oklahoma" = 1 drink for the first mention, then 2 for the second, 3 for the third, and so on.
"Alfonzo Dennard" the wrong way (it's Duh-nard) = half a beer
Any press clipping about Mark Sanchez = 1 drink
Any press clipping about Tim Tebow = 3 drinks
"Tebow" = 1 drink
Talking about Tebow as a great human being = 1 drink
Anything to do with the number 666 = half a beer and a shot

Anytime this is on the screen...
Fall foliage = 1 shot and half a beer
Foliage from Vermont = the same as above plus a shot of maple syrup
Someone Tebowing = drink a beer for 6.66 seconds
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Bob Kraft talking to someone = drink as long as he's talking
Bill Belichick pulling something from his sock = 1 drink
Bible verse = a shot for the number of the chapter, and drink from a beer for the number of seconds of the verse, so John 3:16 would be 3 shots and 16 seconds of beer
Any graphic or reference to Belichick as head coach of the Jets = a beer
Any clips from Hard Knocks = 1 drink

Anytime this happens...
Tom Brady yells "alpha milk" = 1 drink
Patriots get a rushing first down = 1 drink
Patriots allow a passing first down = 1 drink
Devin McCourty gets beat on a pass = 1 drink (even if it's incomplete)
Devin McCourty interception = 1 shot
Vince Wilfork tipped pass = 1 drink
Vince Wilfork recovers turnover = 1 shot
Vince Wilfork returns turnover for TD = 1 shot, 1 beer, 1 turkey wing
Rex Ryan is bleeped out or says something that'd be bleeped out = 1 drink
Wes Welker mentioning feet (even in a past video) = 1 drink
Gronk spikes the ball = 1 drink
Gronk doesn't spike after TD = 1 whole beer
Kickoff touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff return = drink until the return is over
Whenever Stevan Ridley or Aaron Hernandez carry the ball without properly securing it = 1 drink

Overrating the Jets

One of the big stories from Week 1 of the NFL is how Mark Sanchez and the Jets have "silenced" their critics. How after their offense struggled in the preseason they put up 48 points. How this team was a circus in Training Camp but seems to be a well-oiled machine now that the season has started.

Here's the real story from the Jets' 48-28 win over Buffalo: the Bills suck. They turned the ball over 3 times in the 1st half, then Ryan Fitzpatrick threw a pick 6 to start the 2nd half.

Everyone seems impressed with how well the Jets did, but since when are the Bills a measuring stick for the NFL? Especially a Bills team without Fred Jackson for most of the game.

Give credit to the Jets defense, and it's nice that Sanchez threw 3 TDs, but the 48 points on the scoreboard are deceptively complimentary to the Jets offense. 7 points were from a punt return. 7 were from an interception. In total, 24 were off turnovers.

So it was a good win for the Jets, but let's not get carried away. The Bills are a bad team. And they played horribly. The Jets did their job and took advantage of mistakes. But for some reason whenever that team, with that once anointed quarterback, and that jackass of a coach win a game against a bad team, suddenly there's a new force in the AFC East.

I don't think so. This team is as illegitimate as 8 of Antonio Cromartie's 12 children.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Bill Kostroun

T-E-B-O-W TO JETS JETS JETS

Tim Tebow is going to the New York Jets. The Jets traded a 4th round pick to acquire the Denver QB. And I can't stop giggling.

The idea of Tim Tebow's religiously laced pep talks intertwined with Rex Ryan's overuse of profanity makes me wish the Jets were back on Hard Knocks. America's new odd couple. And they're in the New York market. How perfectly hilarious is that?

Will Tebow replace Sanchez? I don't know. We all know (thanks to the hyper-vocal Jets' lockerroom) that some of the Jets players question their QB. And as a Patriots fan, I really don't care if the Jets' crappy, overrated QB is Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow. Neither one is very good.

A 4th round pick is not an expensive price to pay, though. And on the field the Jets have improved. They can utilize Tebow's athleticism in gadget plays and short yardage. But it still makes me giggle. Tim Tebow, in that locker room, with the likes of Antonio "Father of the year" Cromartie. Talk about a saint among sinners.


*****UPDATE*****
There are reports that the deal for Tebow also includes 6th and 7th round picks.

Pats Soar Over Jets

A lot of people didn't give the Patriots a chance in this game. But I was cautiously optimistic. Why? Because I don't think the Jets are that good.

Sure, the Pats' defense was a slapped together hodgepodge of obscure practice squad players. During player introductions, I was surprised NBC had photos for all of them. And it's not like the Patriots' defense has been a dominating force before this latest rash of injuries. But Mark Sanchez and the Jets' offense are not well equipped to take advantage of these weaknesses.

This game featured a weak defense facing a weak offense, and a strong offense facing a strong defense. And it came down to which team made the most/biggest mistakes, and which team best took advantage of those mistakes.

The Jets made the biggest and the most mistakes. A muffed punt, a missed 24 yard field goal, they gave Brady the ball back with time before the end of the half, Greene couldn't catch a ball and that turned into a pick, and Sanchez threw an interception that was his own fault. The Jets also looked confused at all times. They were never entirely certain what they were doing, let alone had any idea what the Patriots were going to do.

The Pats took advantage of these mistakes. And they didn't make many of their own. There was a botched shotgun snap that Brady was able to recover. And the safety, of course. That was basically it. The Pats didn't turn the ball over, they didn't allow many big plays.

The Pats also improved as the game progressed. Especially Tom Brady. Up until that drive before halftime, he was 6/14 for 129 yards (76.2 rating). He finished the game 20/25 for 200 yards and 3 TDs (139.6 rating). He was two different quarterbacks. One was clumsy and random. The other was efficient and ruthless.

The Pats were still in the game despite the slow offensive start because of the defense. Andre Carter and Rob Ninkovich had career games. Carter was credited with 4.5 sacks, and Ninkovich intercepted two passes. It wasn't pretty, but the Red Zone defense was tight, they didn't allow big plays, and they occasionally got to Sanchez.

Rob Gronkowski had yet another monstrous performance. 8 catches for 113 yards and 2 TDs. Did you know that Belichick drafted him? That's right. The guy everyone has been critical of as a GM drafted Gronk in the 2nd round. He's already caught 18 TD passes in his just-starting career.

By the way, Wes Welker's 46 yards put him over 1,000 yards for the season. It's Week 10.

Chad Ochocinco made the most noise he's made all season. 2 catches for 65 yards, one of them was a huge 53 yarder. He's not going to get cut. He might not be a significant positive contributor, but unlike Haynesworth, he's not a negative.

So things weren't as bad as we thought they were. But this win isn't unbelievably impressive either. The Jets are a 5-4 team and they played like a 5-4 team. The Pats' schedule from here on out is very easy, and with 2 wins against the Jets in their pocket, and Buffalo struggling, there's no excuse to not win the AFC East.

Pats host Kansas City on Monday night.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo

Pats' Ground Game Grounds Jets

If you were to compare the Patriots' offense to cuisine, you could say that it's normally like gourmet Filet Mignon served in a classy restaurant. On Sunday, the Pats' offense was more like hamburgers and sausages served at a greasy diner. The Patriots actually ran the ball more than they passed it (35 compared to 33). And they ran the ball well.

The Jets might have been expecting a pass-heavy game, but what they got was a heaping helping of BenJarvus Green-Ellis. He ran for 136 and 2 TDs. He averaged 5 per carry, and if he wasn't able to get the job done, then the Pats' gameplan simply wouldn't have worked.

Before I gush on and on about a nice win against our arch-rival, let's think about a few things: Were the Jets even close to being on the same level as the Patriots? Nope

Did the Patriots clearly outplay the Jets and did the Patriots seem to have a superior gameplan? Yes and yes.

So why was this a 6 point game halfway through the 4th? Why was it a 3 point game at halftime?

The Patriots were undoubtedly the better team Sunday, which is good. The Jets are 2-3, with an offense that's not rushing the ball well and a QB that can't be counted on (even by his head coach). But mistakes allowed the Jets to hang in there.

Aaron Hernandez not being able to hang on to a touchdown pass. He's got some ball control issues. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's a problem, but there have been too many times when he'll be downed, then the ball will pop loose. And on a team that never ever fumbles, stuff like that stands out.

The Patriots were an instant replay review from another Red Zone turnover. The refs got the call right, but Branch was still very close to catching a ball then fumbling it.

Then there's the big kickoff return. That's usually a Patriots' strength, but the timing of that return was like life support to a dying patient. The Jets were on the ropes, that return gave them new life.

I'm not trying to be a downer. The Patriots are 4-1, they're tied for first in the AFC East. They're clearly better than the Dolphins and Jets at the moment, and they now have a running game to go along with that vaunted passing attack. This team's biggest problems are their own mistakes. That's fixable. And to end on a positive note, if these problems do get fixed, they'll be very, very dangerous.

Patriots host the Cowboys next Sunday at 4:15.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo

PATRIOTS BOLSTER DEFENSIVE LINE

Back in 2000, the Patriots had to send a 1st round pick to the Jets as compensation for Bill Belichick. The Jets drafted Shaun Ellis with that pick, but now he'll be playing under Belichick. The Patriots signed the veteran defensive end to a one year deal.

Ellis isn't a pass rushing end, but he's very solid against the run. He can consume blocks and allow Wilfork and Haynesworth to do their jobs. It's a smart signing by the Patriots, as the Jets were up against the cap and could only offer Ellis the veteran minimum.

Rex Ryan made some remarks about the transaction, then started talking about pieces of pie, then he got distracted. I tend not to take Rex Ryan's words seriously. His rants are old news, like Charlie Sheen's, only his rants are fatter and covered in crumbs.

The Pats also signed defensive end Andre Carter, formerly of the Redskins. Carter amassed 11 sacks in 2009, and has 66 total in 10 seasons. Once again, I'll throw around the word "solid" to describe this signing.

The Pats have completely revamped their defensive front. Wilfork remains the spearhead, but the additions of Haynesworth, Ellis, Carter, along with the release of Ty Warren make for an almost brand new D-Line. I think overall it's improved, and should be far more consistent at stopping the run, mounting a decent pass rush (although not getting many sacks), and preventing big plays.

THE SHOE'S ON THE OTHER FOOT

The Jets made the plays, the Patriots didn't. It's amazing how simple the game of football can be. Santonio Holmes made a stupendous catch in the end zone, Alge Crumpler dropped what should have been a touchdown. The Jets took care of the ball, the Patriots took chances. Meanwhile, the Patriots are working on a 3 game playoff losing streak.

I blame the offense, first and foremost. They only mustered three quality drives, apart from the garbage time touchdown. And of those drives, they amassed 11 points. The Brady interception was simply careless, maybe even a bit cocky. Pace got his hands up, Brady had to throw at a higher trajectory, but still wanted to force the ball to Green-Ellis. The next drive saw Crumpler drop a score. Instead of being up 10-0 or 14-0, it was 3-0 Pats.

You can't lose a game in the 1st quarter, but you can win it. By building a lead, you can force a team to alter their simplified gameplan. You can force their young quarterback to take more chances. But by keeping the score close, you allow them to do whatever they want. The Pats missed an opportunity to change the shape of this game with those early squanders.

Let's talk about the fake punt. I don't like the decision. The execution failed, but the decision was a bigger failure.

After the game, Mesko and others claimed that Chung had the discretion to call a fake if 8 Patriots lined up against 6 Jets. Maybe that's true, maybe not. If true, I disagree with the notion of 2nd year defensive back having so much decision making power. Especially a player out of Oregon, where they make decisions like this:



If the call came from Belichick, I also disagree with it. The reward is too minimal to justify the risk. If thwarted, the Jets get the ball only 10 yards from field goal range. If successful, the Patriots get another set of downs around midfield. Big whoop. If I have one criticism for Belichick, it's that when things aren't going smoothly, he tries too hard to win the game with his coaching decisions.

The failed punt fake wasn't technically a turnover, but for all intents and purposes, it was. And it allowed a 7-3 game to dramatically change at 14-3, right at halftime.

The Patriots offense finally figured out how to function, but it was late in the 3rd. Sanchez and the Jets responded with some big plays, and a touchdown. I heard some post-game show on CBS criticize the Pats' defense for failing to come up with a timely stop. But hadn't the defense done enough?

And after Holmes' catch, the Pats put together a 7:45 drive that produced 0 points. Branch dropped a 4th and 13 pass that would have sustained it.

Speaking of Branch, he needs to shut up. He was jawing with the Jets' sideline too much, and now he's whining about post-game celebrations. Leave that kind of crying to the likes of LaDainian Tomlinson.

And speaking of talking, I don't mind Belichick sitting Welker for a series. Did Welker's foot jokes cost the Patriots in the game? No. But it didn't help them. And Belichick's philosophy has always been, if it doesn't help, it's not worth doing.

Anyway, after that 8 minute drive (the Jets couldn't have done a better job of killing the clock than the Patriots did for them) the game was over. Once again, the Patriots didn't perform on the big stage. The last four years, they've gone 51-13 (.797) in the regular season, 2-3 (.400) in the postseason.

On the bright side, the offense should remain largely intact for 2011. The Patriots have rediscovered a running game, and that's no longer a glaring need. The defense came into their own, and this was one of their better games of the season, considering how many bad situations they were put in. The D-Line needs depth. The pass rush needs to be bolstered, and more consistent. Part of LT's TD catch was due to the Pats bringing 5 guys on the pass rush, including Ninkovich, which vacated the flat for Tomlinson.

I'm optimistic for 2011. But I said something similar after the Ravens game last postseason, and after the 11-5 Cassel crew didn't make the playoffs, and after the 18-1 season, and after the Colts came from behind in '06. It's hard not to be optimistic about this team, this coach, this quarterback, despite what's happened the last 4 years.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo

WES WELKER AND FEET

It bears mentioning that these 10 snippets were taken from an interview that was 9 minutes long. But it did seem like he wanted to mention feet as much as possible, so long as it was in proper context.

And if you're going to talk, this is how to do it. It's subtle. It's funny. It's hard to use as bulletin board material. I'm not a big fan of it, and would prefer the Patriots focus on playing and not talking. But whatever.

PATS VS. JETS IN RUBBER GAME

You get the feeling that it had to be this way. Even Rex Ryan seemed to be anticipating this Divisional Round matchup when last week he unfavorably compared Tom Brady's work ethic to Peyton Manning. Or maybe he was just putting his foot in his mouth. Or someone else's.

These teams not only split the season series, they've split their last 6 games. It makes sense when you consider how well their different strengths matchup. The Patriots pass first, ask questions later. The Jets run. The Pats have a young, sometimes shaky defense. The Jets have more experience, and are far sturdier. The Patriots keep their mouths shut. The Jets are a reality TV show.

I think the Patriots' ability to distribute the ball to multiple offensive weapons will allow them to regularly beat the Jets' defense. The Jets do have some exceptionally talented guys on defense, but Brady is the master at finding the weak spot, and hitting the open receiver.

However, I temper my optimism knowing that for many of the Pats' weapons, this will be their first postseason game. This past weekend, we saw playoff newcomers drop passes, fumble the ball, and generally fail to execute as they had in the regular season.

Aaron Hernandez, Rob Gronkowski, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis have never played postseason football. Danny Woodhead has 1 career touch in the playoffs. Even Wes Welker has only 3 playoff games under his belt. The defensive side of the ball is hardly any better. McCourty, Chung, Spikes, Cunningham, and so on, are all newbies to this scene. And while veterans like Brady, Branch, and Wilfork might settle locker room nerves, it only takes one or two players making one or two mistakes to screw up an entire game (See: Pierre Woods, Super Bowl XLII).

The Jets actually bring more playoff experience, or at least have theirs distributed more evenly throughout their roster. Sanchez already has 4 games under his belt. Guys like LT, Braylon Edwards, Shonn Greene, Santonio Holmes, and so on, have all been in big games. And won them. That's something to keep in mind.

The health of Danny Woodhead is also something to keep in mind, as he made nothing but big plays in the 45-3 win a few weeks ago. We know that it was a concussion he suffered. We know that he's been practicing with a non-contact jersey.

The key to this game will be how the Patriots do against the Jets' rushing attack in the early stages. In that 45-3 win, the Jets ran for 152 yards, but most of those came when the game was essentially over. The Jets can run (148.4 yards per game, 4th in the NFL), and run well. The Pats have a depleted defensive line. It will be up to guys like Wilfork and Mayo to contain the running attack, and to limit rushes to 3 or 4 yards at the most.

It will also be up to Brady and the offense to hold onto the ball, and to score. The best way to stop an opponent from rushing is to build a lead.

I think the Patriots will be hurt by the Jets' RBs, but not killed. The Pats' offense will score enough to force Mark Sanchez to try to make plays, and we all know what happens next.

Patriots win 28-17.