Monday, May 21, 2012

Isn't It Fun to Say "Preakness?"

Some horse won the Preakness this weekend. It was the same horse that won the Kentucky Derby. I'll Have Another. Which means he has a chance to win the Triple Crown, the most prestigious achievement in the sketchiest sport.'s headline sums it up perfectly. I'll Have Another Wins Preakness, Forcing All of Us to Watch the Belmont Stakes.

It's true. You have to watch. Because if this horse runs faster than the other horses, he'll be the first horse to do so in these three races since another horse did it in 1978. And that makes it special.

I don't like horse racing. Jockeys freak me out and horses don't have souls. More than that, there's a wide range of sketchiness on display at these events. Not only do degenerate gamblers wager their kid's college funds on these animals, but the well-to-do rich people that breed and own them are even sketchier.

And those ridiculous hats worn by rich women in attendance are obscene. Is there any more grotesque example of excess than someone spending thousands on a hat that they'll wear for one day then never wear again? And once that day is over and those hats come off, those women just go out and get gangbanged by Arab sheikhs who don't believe in deodorant and own the horse that finished 5th.

Then there's the media that cover the events. It's always a weird set of the most abnormal people in the NBC Sports stable (excuse the horse pun). The outcasts. The peripheral guys. Bob Neumeier. And they all adore the "sport." They drone on and on, comparing horses from the 1920s to horses from today, arguing about Seattle Slew vs. Secretariat, and glorifying an event that is held for millionaires to stave off boredom and for gamblers to enjoy the thrill of risking their family's future on a horse ridden by a small man in tight polka-dotted pants.

Horse racing itself isn't that bad. It's not for me. But it's over too quick to be boring, too basic to be tedious, too obscure to be annoying. And not enough people use furlongs as a measurement these days, so I respect that.

But the people who love horse racing, the people who run it, the people who bet on it, the people who cover it, all make me cringe.

I hope I'll Have Another does win at Belmont, then tests positive for steroids. Or they do a DNA test and find out he's 1/8 cheetah.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo

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