Saturday, January 18, 2014

Patriots-Broncos Drinking Game: AFC Championship Edition

It's almost here. Patriots vs. Broncos. Manning vs. Brady. Belichick vs. Welker. The time for talk has ended. Now it's time for two teams to play football. And for millions of people to heavily drink responsibly. Here's a drinking game to play while enjoying the AFC Championship Game.

Anytime a commentator says...
"Brady" = take 1 drink from a beer
"Manning" = 1 drink
"Legacy" = 1 drink
"History" = 1 drink
"The game" = 1 drink
"Meeting" = 1 drink
"Playoffs" = 1 drink
"Super Bowl" = 1 drink
"Eli" = drink for 10 seconds
"Mile High" = either take a shot of liquor or inhale a certain substance recently legalized in Colorado
"Home field" = 1 drink
"Blount" = either 1 drink or do the same as "Mile High"
"Mild" or "balmy" or any token weather remark = 1 drink
"Hoomanawanui" or any abbreviation = 1 drink the first time, 2 the second, and so on
"Logan" = 1 drink
Anything about the air being thin = hold your breath for 15 seconds then drink for 5 seconds

Anytime this is on screen...
Highlights from previous Brady/Manning games = drink for the entire highlight
Highlights of Brady/Patriots struggling in Denver = drink for the entire highlight
Clip or photo of Wes Welker in a Patriots jersey = 1 shot
Rodney Harrison = drink for 37 seconds
Ty Law = drink for 24 seconds
John Elway = drink for 7 seconds
Tim Tebow = finish your beer, take a shot
A rocky mountain = drink a can of Coors Light (it's water anyway)
Injured Patriot(s) on the sidelines, in a suite, on film = 1 drink per player
A graphic detailing injured Patriots = 1 drink per player
Vince Wilfork = 1 drink and eat 10 chicken wings
Rob Gronkowski (in person or on film) = finish your beer and Gronk-spike it
A Patriots fan in the stands = 1 drink per fan
A horse = half a beer
Peyton Manning in a suit and tie = 1 drink
Manning wearing something other than football jersey or suit and tie = 1 whole beer and 3 shots
Robert Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
Jonathan Kraft watching the game with intensity, as if he were a coach = 1 drink

Anytime this happens...
Peyton Manning featured in a commercial = 1 drink
Manning says the name of a city (e.g. "Omaha") = 1 drink
Manning says the name of a state = 2 drinks
Manning says the name of a region or country = 5 drinks
Manning seems to change the play = 1 drink
Commentators praise Manning for play-calling = 1 drink
Manning makes a Manningface = 1 drink, and a free pass if you vomit
Tom Brady says "Alpha Milk" = 1 drink (bonus points for drinking a White Russian)
Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink (for bonus points, 6 drinks of Mike's Hard Lemonade)
You can actually hear Brady say anything before the snap = 1 drink
Somebody besides Manning or Brady makes a play, and the commentators continue to discuss Manning and/or Brady = 1 drink
Brady and/or Manning are compared with all-time greats = 1 drink
Brady throws to a tight-end = half a beer
That tight-end actually catches the pass = the other half of the beer
A commentator jokes or laughs about the complexity of Michael Hoomanawanui's name = 1 drink and 1 shot
Patriots run the ball = 1 drink
Patriots go play-action = 1 drink
Stevan Ridley runs the ball and doesn't fumble = 1 drink
Ridley fumbles = 1 shot
Patriots get into the Red Zone = 1 drink
Patriots score in the Red Zone = 1 drink for a field goal, a drink and a shot for a TD
50+ yard field goal attempt = 1 drink
Kickoff touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff return = drink for the entire return

So enjoy the game, enjoy the MLK Day hangover, and remember to get lubed up responsibly.