Friday, February 02, 2018

Patriots vs Eagles Drinking Game: Super Bowl Edition

Patriots in the Super Bowl again. Feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day where the protagonist over and over lives the same football season every year. Patriots start out as favorites, meet adversity, get dismissed by pundits, win a few games, Pats haters whine about something, ESPN makes outlandish claims, Pats win two playoff games, two weeks of media garbage, concluded with a thrilling football game.

History will be made on Sunday. No player has ever won 6 Super Bowls. No player wearing an Eagles jersey has ever won a Super Bowl. One of those things will happen Sunday. With this drinking game, you too can make history. You too can be the GOAT of Sunday evening drinking and Monday morning hangovers. There are no days off when it comes to abusing your liver.

So get lubed up, do your job, and we're not done (drinking).

Anytime a commentator says:
"Super" = take 1 drink of beer
"Bowl" = 1 drink, bonus points for hitting a bowl
"Fifty" = 1 drink
"Two," "too," or "to" = 1 drink
"Minneapolis" = 1 drink
"St. Paul" = 1 drink, say a prayer
"Twin cities" = two drinks
"Minnesota" = 1 drink

"Concussion" = finish your beer, slam can/bottle against skull
"Protocol" = 1 drink, then go inside a tent for 5 minutes
"Rob" = 1 drink
"Gronk" = 1 drink
Name that ends in "-ski" = 1 drink, eat some Polish kielbasa

"History" = 1 drink
"GOAT, greatest, best, etc." = 1 drink
"Tom" = 1 drink
"5-time" = drink for 5 seconds
"6-time" = drink for 6 seconds
"Champion" = 1 drink

"Bill" = 1 drink
"Malcolm" = 1 drink
"Brandon" = 1 drink
"Nate" = 1 drink
"Steven" = 1 drink

"Cris, Chris, etc." = 1 drink
"Al" = 1 drink
"NBC" = drink for as many seconds as your local NBC station (e.g. 7 seconds for channel 7)
"Here's a guy" = finish your beer

Anytime this is on screen:
Roman numeral = 1 drink per numeral/letter (so LII is 3 drinks, VIII would be 4)
Lombardi trophy (real or image of) = 1 drink per trophy
Super Bowl logo (any year) = 1 drink per logo
Vikings logo = 1 drink per horn (bonus points for drinking mead)
Ice or snow = 1 drink (bonus points if drinking cocktail with ice cubes)

Bill Belichick not talking = 1 drink
Bob Kraft talking = 1 drink
Josh McDaniels holding tablet or sheet = 1 drink
Matt Patricia = 1 drink, put pencil behind ear, first person whose pencils fall out drinks entire beer
Ernie Adams = 1 shot of gin
Green Man = 1 drink per man
Dog mask = 1 drink per dog
Roger Goodell = finish beer, throw it at TV

Highlights from previous Super Bowls = drink during entire highlight
Replays of Gronk concussion = 1 drink, 1 shot
Carson Wentz on sideline = 1 drink
Wentz highlight = 1 shot
Any kind of injury report or list = 1 drink per injured player

Anytime this happens:
Penalty = 1 drink per penalty yard
Touchback = 1 shot of liquor
Kickoff/punt return = drink during entire return
First down = 1 drink of beer
Turnover = finish your beer
Field goal = 3 drinks
PAT = 1 drink
Missed kick = 1 shot

Brady points out the "mike" linebacker = 1 drink, bonus points if drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade (but only if you're a girl and/or weigh less than 160 pounds, if not it's negative points)
Brady says "alpha milk" = 1 drink, bonus points if it's a White Russian
Brady throws pass to a non-WR = 1 drink
Patriot besides Brady throws a pass = 1 shot
Brady gets pissed at himself and/or others = 1 drink

Gronkowski catches pass = 1 drink
You're worried Gronk is hurt = 1 drink, 1 shot
Gronk actually is hurt = 1 drink, 1 shot, enter alcohol abuse protocol
Gronk scores = finish your beer and Gronk spike it (bonus points for glass)

Danny Amendola gets the ball in a non-receiving way (run, throw, return) = 1 drink
Amendola makes a clutch catch = finish your beer
Dion Lewis or James White gets the ball in a non-running way (catch, return) = 1 drink
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
Slater downs the ball inside the 20 = 1 drink for each yard inside the 20 (5 yard line = 15 drinks)
Slater lines up at WR = 1 shot
Bernard Reedy is on the field = entire beer
Kenny Britt catches a pass = finish beer
Dwayne Allen thrown to = finish beer

Patriots go no huddle = 1 drink at first snap, 2 at second snap, 3 at third, etc.
Patriots try a trick play = 1 drink
Patriots successful with trick play = 1 drink, 1 shot
Patriots score TD on trick play = whole beer, 1 shot, 1 glass of wine

Eagles player acts like they're flying = 1 drink
Eagles fumble the ball = 1 drink
LeGarrette Blount runs someone over = 1 drink, bonus points for hitting a blunt
Jay Ajayi runs 10+ yards = 1 drink, bonus points for smoking a jay
Chris Long makes a tackle = 1 drink

Justin Timberlake exposes a body part = 1 drink per part
You hold in a piss during the game AND commercials = 1 drink per play, 1 drink per commercial
A commercial tries to be funny but fails = 1 drink
You flip over to Puppy Bowl = 1 drink per puppy on screen

So enjoy the game. Then enjoy the ambulance ride, then the hospital visit, then the morgue. Your funeral procession can be like your own personal championship parade for winning this drinking game. The hearse is like a duckboat.