Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Patriots Fans Fantasizing About Ed Reed, As if this Were 2008

The Houston Texans have cut Ed Reed. Reed had been critical of Houston's coaching this past week and the Texans have been a tremendous disappointment in general.

And Patriots fans are really excited about the idea of the 8 time All Pro safety suiting up with the Pats.

But let's remember this is 2013, not 2008, as The Hub's Marc Bertrand pointed out this afternoon on Twitter.

Ed Reed has struggled with injury this season. In Sunday's 27-24 loss to Arizona, he only played 13 of 69 defensive snaps. He has a bad hip, he's not as fast as he used to be. So if you get him you're signing a part-time player.

I still wouldn't mind giving him a shot. Then again if you're going to add him for depth, wouldn't you prefer a guy that can play as many downs as you need and do so effectively?

Reed also has something of a reputation for locker room rebellion. Last year he and Bernard Pollard became disgruntled at the Ravens' practice routines and attempted to "mutiny" against head coach John Harbaugh.

So this isn't a no-brainer. And there is some risk involved for little reward. Of course you can cut him if things don't work out.

If the Pats do sign him, let's not get overly excited about it. And if they don't sign him, let's not get overly upset by it. He's old, he's injured, he has some interesting history. He's not the Ed Reed of 2008.

Other 2008 Pro Bowlers that are available include:
T.J. Houshmandzadeh
Hines Ward
Shawne Merriman
Al Harris
Donald Driver
Torry Holt

Five years ago you'd love to have some of these guys, just like Ed Reed back then. Now all of them are gone. And Ed Reed is close to joining them.

Jenny from Forrest Gump Is a Selfish, Teasing Cunt

I just watched Forrest Gump on ABC Family last night. It's one of my favorite movies and you never get tired of watching it. However, my feelings toward one character have dramatically shifted from sympathy and pity, to hatred and disgust.

Jenny grew up with problems. Her father sexually abused her. She didn't have the same guidance and love that Forrest did growing up. Nevertheless, she spends her entire adult life being selfish. She uses Forrest, teases him, and messes with his emotions. There's no excuse for the absurd levels of selfishness that she reaches.

Look, if she wasn't attracted to Forrest, that's fine. If there's no spark, there's no spark. Just because a guy is nice doesn't mean a girl shouldn't "Friend Zone" him. And if Jenny had just wanted to be pals with Forrest, that would have been fine.

However, when she and Forrest are in college, she lets him feel her boobs. That causes Forrest to have a premature crisis in his pants. This is such a tease. I mean who knows how far things would have gone had Forrest not committed a false start penalty. But Jenny never gives him any action after this. Even if they had hooked up, what would they have done a week later, or a month? Jenny didn't want to be Forrest's girl. She let him feel her up, then that was it.

And when he's over in Vietnam, with every day potentially his last on Earth, she doesn't even send him one bloody letter? Not even an "I'm moving away and don't know where to, so I don't know if we can keep in touch, but I'm thinking about you," letter? How much thought and effort would that have taken?

In fact, the film doesn't show her thinking about Forrest at all. It's only dumb luck that reunites them in Washington, D.C. If she hadn't been there at that time, or if he hadn't gone on that stage, she would have never seen him again, and evidently she would have been fine with that. She made ZERO effort to keep in touch with her friend who was in Viet-fucking-Nam.

If you put a guy in the Friend Zone, that's fine, but then you must be a good friend. That's the 11th Commandment.

Years later, she just shows up at his place. She needs somewhere cozy to crash. After years of doing drugs and sleeping around, she needs to find a man she can use for peace and comfort. That's what motivates her to return to Greenbow, Alabama. Not friendship, not devotion, but the need to relax for a few days.

If Forrest had been going through hard times at that very moment, or didn't have a huge house, she wouldn't have stayed. She uses Forrest for what she wanted at that time.

Forrest asks her to marry him. She declines. Again, I get that. If you don't love him, or if you're afraid of marriage, or if you have self-esteem issues, then fine. She's perfectly right to turn him down. She shouldn't just marry him because he's nice and cares about him. Believe me, I've been the nice-guy who thinks the girl should like him because I was nice. It doesn't work that way. And it shouldn't work that way.

But Jenny does something much much worse than turning him down. She turns him down, fucks him, then leaves the next fucking morning!?! What a mind-fuck that is. I won't marry you, I will tell you I love you, ride your cock and let you cum inside me, and then catch a cab the next morning and leave without any explanation.

What a selfish cunt. She doesn't want to feel bad about rejecting Forrest, so she comes to him that night and sleeps with him. But she still doesn't want to marry him, so she leaves the next day.

I have all the sympathy in the world for the emotions behind Jenny's rejection of Forrest. She's afraid she's not good enough. That's fine. But it is unbelievably selfish to try to alleviate your guilt by telling Forrest that you do in fact love him, then sleep with him, then leave without a note or any sort of explanation.

How does Jenny's mind-fucking not turn Forrest into a mass-murdering psychopath?

Jenny gets pregnant, has Forrest Jr., and still doesn't get in touch with Forrest Sr.! He has a kid and he doesn't even know it. Because it'd be awkward for Jenny to tell him, so she doesn't want to deal with that.

So decline his marriage proposal, tell him you love him, have sex with him, leave, give birth to his child, then don't tell him he has a kid. And don't even tell your kid who his father is.

Jenny's selfishness expands. Not only does she allow her personal fears to keep her from telling big Forrest that he has a son. She also deprives her son of a good father. Which she, of all people, should appreciate the need for. She grew up with an abusive father, and when she has a kid she deprives him of any father whatsoever!

Until she sees Forrest Sr. on TV. And until she's diagnosed with a fatal virus.

She finally settles down and marries Forrest, coincidentally once she realizes that she doesn't have to be afraid of marriage because she will die soon. Marriage has become convenient for her, and that's when she marries Forrest.

Sidenote, as a kid I used to think it was amazing that Lieutenant Dan found a wife. Now I realize that as a gazillionaire, that's not so amazing. Although did he subconsciously fall in love with an Asian woman and hope she finished the job that the Vietnamese started and he could die from enemy inflicted wounds just like the rest of his family?

And why didn't Lt. Dan tell Forrest that he was getting married? Or had new prosthetic legs? He wrote about Apple Computer, but not his marriage or legs?

Back to Jenny...

Jenny lives her life teasing and using Forrest, or ignoring him altogether when he's possibly living his last days on this planet, or messing with his mind after he expresses his feelings, or depriving Forrest Jr. of a loving father, until it becomes convenient for her to once again include him in her life.

Fuck Jenny, I'm glad she's dead.

BC Football One Win Away from Bowl Eligibility

Last year was rock bottom for the team from the heights of Chestnut Hill. The Eagles were 2-10, their only wins came against perennial hockey powerhouse Maine, and soon to be Big Ten piƱata Maryland.

In 2013, the BC Eagles have a new coach, new athletic director, and are one win away from going bowling.

Your lack of excitement over a 5-4 team is understandable. And BC haven't had the toughest schedule to negotiate. They beat Villanova, a I-AA team that's 5-5 in their lower level. They beat Army during the government shutdown, in a game that was in jeopardy of being cancelled. And they recently (and barely) escaped from the clutches of 1-9 New Mexico State.

But it is important progress for the program. BC have turned things around. And the three remaining games on their schedule are all very winnable. They should claim win #6 at some point and earn a bowl bid. And they could finish the year with a decent 8-4 record and 5-3 conference record.

They've also had good, competitive quarters against elite teams like Clemson and Florida State.

And they have a stud player. Andre Williams rushed for a school record 295 yards against New Mexico State. He's up to 1,471 on the season, or 163.4 per game and 6.0 per carry. He's scored 12 touchdowns. And at 6' and 227 pounds he's an absolute beast. He's from Schnecksville, PA and went to the venerable Parkland High School. And BC was able to convince him to come up north and play for the Eagles.

And that's the key to everything: recruiting. BC needs to recruit regionally, in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, and even in Ohio's prestigious Catholic schools. Matt Ryan went to school in PA. William Green was from New Jersey. Mark Herzlich went to high school in Pennsylvania. Luke Kuechly was from Cincinnati and went to St. Xavier High School. These are the most important players at BC since Doug Flutie and they're from a vast recruiting region.

So BC's success depends on their ability to draw talent from the greater northeast. Along with their ability to keep the relatively small number of talented players produced by New England, in New England. See: L.V. Whitworth, Brian St. Pierre, the Hasselbecks, Derrick Knight.

The important thing is that BC is no longer a pushover in the ACC. They played tougher than expected against Clemson and FSU. And they beat 7-3 Virginia Tech. And two of their final three games are against the bottom two teams in their division.

This is a respectable season from a once sad team.

NHL Suspends Goal Post 3 Games for Injuring Steven Stamkos

The NHL's dean of discipline Brendan Shanahan announced that the post that broke Steven Stamkos' right tibia will be suspended for 3 games.

Shanahan explained that the post made no effort to get out of Stamkos' way. The post didn't seem to seek Stamkos out or lean into the hit, but it didn't withdraw at all. Shanahan also noted that as a high-scoring forward, Stamkos and all posts have a long history of mutual antagonism.

This suspension is the latest chapter in the NHL's quest to make the game of hockey as safe as possible. It's the same motivation that was behind John Scott's 7-game suspension, which will surely cure John Scott and the Buffalo Sabres of dirty play. The NHL hopes to make an example of this post, so that other posts, along with all inanimate rink objects, and perhaps players as well, will be more careful in the future.

More specifically, this punishment is focused to deter other inanimate objects, such as the stanchion that took out Max Pacioretty in 2011, to be more careful. That stanchion, similar to Matt Cooke, wasn't punished. But years later, the NHL obviously seems to be clamping down.

So the warning has been issued by the NHL to all the posts, stanchions, boards, and Zambonis. That their reckless style will no longer be tolerated.

Celtics Fans Wait for Duckboat Parade After Beating Miami, Disappointed and Surprised When No Parade Passes By

Dedicated Green Teamers lined the streets this cold morning, expecting a duckboat parade in honor of their beloved Boston Celtics, who won a regular season game against the mighty Miami Heat. Lifelong Celtics fan Tim Greyson of Somerville remarked "We had a parade when they beat the Lakers. I hate the Lakers. And now I hate the Heat. so why not a parade after beating the Heat now?" Greyson ha set up camp on Causeway Street, with a prime spot staked out to view a parade. He was later heard mumbling about when Halftime Pizza would open so he could "Grab a piss and a slice."

22-year-old Jessica Sanders of Millis, who had positioned herself on Tremont Street after spending the night with "her Suffolk boys," was very vocal about her expectations of a Celtics victory parade after the team's 111-110 victory Saturday night.

"I want to see the C's," she exclaimed, followed by an incoherent series of giggles and suggestive placement of her hand on the interviewer's forearm. "They won and I want to see Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. He's so hot." She smiled, yawned, then burped.

Most Boston fans seemed to realize that the Celtics beating the Heat was just one regular season game among dozens. And that in the long run, the best the C's could reasonably hope for was a low playoff seed, and a mid-pack draft pick in 2014, which would continue the cycle of mediocrity the team has been on.

Some have suggested that the best thing for the Celtics to do in 2013-14 was to do poorly, and get a chance at an early pick in the 2014 Draft.

But try explaining that to Mr. Greyson, whose eyes filled with rage, and his lips pursed as he held the fluids in his bladder, when someone suggested that the Celtics winning more than 20 games this year would cripple their chances of long-term improvement.

"The Celtics have a culture of winning," he yelled angrily. "And that culture needs to be maintained. And with Rondo they can go all the way this year anyway so I'm don't even know the big deal has been here," he trailed off. He walked toward the CVS on Canal Street for a 4-pack of Red Bulls, and proceeded to argue with the automatic checkout machines about the sales tax.

And try explaining it to Miss Sanders, who fell asleep on the sidewalk after devouring half a sausage egg McMuffin from the McDonald's on Tremont.

"Can I have your Pringles?" she drearily inquired when awoken by our interviewer.

As the sound of a distant diesel engine echoed between the buildings of Tremont Street, she composed herself, anticipating a duckboat with all her Celtics heroes on board. However, it was merely a J.P. Noonan fuel delivery truck navigating its way through downtown in the early morning cold.

The look on Miss Sanders' face was one of surprise and bewilderment. Yet also of determination. She knew that the Celtics would eventually drive past her on duckboats, because that one win against Miami meant so much.

"I was so happy, all my friends posted on Facebook about it. It doesn't make sense that there wouldn't be a parade," she argued, as she finished the remnants of her sausage egg McMuffin, which had fallen on the damp sidewalk minutes earlier, and which she now cradled in a copy of yesterday's Boston Herald.