Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Celtics Fans Wait for Duckboat Parade After Beating Miami, Disappointed and Surprised When No Parade Passes By

Dedicated Green Teamers lined the streets this cold morning, expecting a duckboat parade in honor of their beloved Boston Celtics, who won a regular season game against the mighty Miami Heat. Lifelong Celtics fan Tim Greyson of Somerville remarked "We had a parade when they beat the Lakers. I hate the Lakers. And now I hate the Heat. so why not a parade after beating the Heat now?" Greyson ha set up camp on Causeway Street, with a prime spot staked out to view a parade. He was later heard mumbling about when Halftime Pizza would open so he could "Grab a piss and a slice."

22-year-old Jessica Sanders of Millis, who had positioned herself on Tremont Street after spending the night with "her Suffolk boys," was very vocal about her expectations of a Celtics victory parade after the team's 111-110 victory Saturday night.

"I want to see the C's," she exclaimed, followed by an incoherent series of giggles and suggestive placement of her hand on the interviewer's forearm. "They won and I want to see Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. He's so hot." She smiled, yawned, then burped.

Most Boston fans seemed to realize that the Celtics beating the Heat was just one regular season game among dozens. And that in the long run, the best the C's could reasonably hope for was a low playoff seed, and a mid-pack draft pick in 2014, which would continue the cycle of mediocrity the team has been on.

Some have suggested that the best thing for the Celtics to do in 2013-14 was to do poorly, and get a chance at an early pick in the 2014 Draft.

But try explaining that to Mr. Greyson, whose eyes filled with rage, and his lips pursed as he held the fluids in his bladder, when someone suggested that the Celtics winning more than 20 games this year would cripple their chances of long-term improvement.

"The Celtics have a culture of winning," he yelled angrily. "And that culture needs to be maintained. And with Rondo they can go all the way this year anyway so I'm don't even know the big deal has been here," he trailed off. He walked toward the CVS on Canal Street for a 4-pack of Red Bulls, and proceeded to argue with the automatic checkout machines about the sales tax.

And try explaining it to Miss Sanders, who fell asleep on the sidewalk after devouring half a sausage egg McMuffin from the McDonald's on Tremont.

"Can I have your Pringles?" she drearily inquired when awoken by our interviewer.

As the sound of a distant diesel engine echoed between the buildings of Tremont Street, she composed herself, anticipating a duckboat with all her Celtics heroes on board. However, it was merely a J.P. Noonan fuel delivery truck navigating its way through downtown in the early morning cold.

The look on Miss Sanders' face was one of surprise and bewilderment. Yet also of determination. She knew that the Celtics would eventually drive past her on duckboats, because that one win against Miami meant so much.

"I was so happy, all my friends posted on Facebook about it. It doesn't make sense that there wouldn't be a parade," she argued, as she finished the remnants of her sausage egg McMuffin, which had fallen on the damp sidewalk minutes earlier, and which she now cradled in a copy of yesterday's Boston Herald.

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