Patriots vs Eagles Drinking Game: Super Bowl Edition

Patriots in the Super Bowl again. Feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day where the protagonist over and over lives the same football season every year. Patriots start out as favorites, meet adversity, get dismissed by pundits, win a few games, Pats haters whine about something, ESPN makes outlandish claims, Pats win two playoff games, two weeks of media garbage, concluded with a thrilling football game.

History will be made on Sunday. No player has ever won 6 Super Bowls. No player wearing an Eagles jersey has ever won a Super Bowl. One of those things will happen Sunday. With this drinking game, you too can make history. You too can be the GOAT of Sunday evening drinking and Monday morning hangovers. There are no days off when it comes to abusing your liver.

So get lubed up, do your job, and we're not done (drinking).

Anytime a commentator says:

"Super" = take 1 drink of beer

"Bowl" = 1 drink, bonus points for hitting a bowl

"Fifty" = 1 drink

"Two," "too," or "to" = 1 drink

"Minneapolis" = 1 drink

"St. Paul" = 1 drink, say a prayer

"Twin cities" = two drinks

"Minnesota" = 1 drink

"Concussion" = finish your beer, slam can/bottle against skull

"Protocol" = 1 drink, then go inside a tent for 5 minutes

"Rob" = 1 drink

"Gronk" = 1 drink

Name that ends in "-ski" = 1 drink, eat some Polish kielbasa

"History" = 1 drink

"GOAT, greatest, best, etc." = 1 drink

"Tom" = 1 drink

"5-time" = drink for 5 seconds

"6-time" = drink for 6 seconds

"Champion" = 1 drink

"Bill" = 1 drink

"Malcolm" = 1 drink

"Brandon" = 1 drink

"Nate" = 1 drink

"Steven" = 1 drink

"Cris, Chris, etc." = 1 drink

"Al" = 1 drink

"NBC" = drink for as many seconds as your local NBC station (e.g. 7 seconds for channel 7)

"Here's a guy" = finish your beer

Anytime this is on screen:

Roman numeral = 1 drink per numeral/letter (so LII is 3 drinks, VIII would be 4)

Lombardi trophy (real or image of) = 1 drink per trophy

Super Bowl logo (any year) = 1 drink per logo

Vikings logo = 1 drink per horn (bonus points for drinking mead)

Ice or snow = 1 drink (bonus points if drinking cocktail with ice cubes)

Bill Belichick not talking = 1 drink

Bob Kraft talking = 1 drink

Josh McDaniels holding tablet or sheet = 1 drink

Matt Patricia = 1 drink, put pencil behind ear, first person whose pencils fall out drinks entire beer

Ernie Adams = 1 shot of gin

Green Man = 1 drink per man

Dog mask = 1 drink per dog

Roger Goodell = finish beer, throw it at TV

Highlights from previous Super Bowls = drink during entire highlight

Replays of Gronk concussion = 1 drink, 1 shot

Carson Wentz on sideline = 1 drink

Wentz highlight = 1 shot

Any kind of injury report or list = 1 drink per injured player

Anytime this happens:

Penalty = 1 drink per penalty yard

Touchback = 1 shot of liquor

Kickoff/punt return = drink during entire return

First down = 1 drink of beer

Turnover = finish your beer

Field goal = 3 drinks

PAT = 1 drink

Missed kick = 1 shot

Brady points out the "mike" linebacker = 1 drink, bonus points if drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade (but only if you're a girl and/or weigh less than 160 pounds, if not it's negative points)

Brady says "alpha milk" = 1 drink, bonus points if it's a White Russian

Brady throws pass to a non-WR = 1 drink

Patriot besides Brady throws a pass = 1 shot

Brady gets pissed at himself and/or others = 1 drink

Gronkowski catches pass = 1 drink

You're worried Gronk is hurt = 1 drink, 1 shot

Gronk actually is hurt = 1 drink, 1 shot, enter alcohol abuse protocol

Gronk scores = finish your beer and Gronk spike it (bonus points for glass)

Danny Amendola gets the ball in a non-receiving way (run, throw, return) = 1 drink

Amendola makes a clutch catch = finish your beer

Dion Lewis or James White gets the ball in a non-running way (catch, return) = 1 drink

Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink

Slater downs the ball inside the 20 = 1 drink for each yard inside the 20 (5 yard line = 15 drinks)

Slater lines up at WR = 1 shot

Bernard Reedy is on the field = entire beer

Kenny Britt catches a pass = finish beer

Dwayne Allen thrown to = finish beer

Patriots go no huddle = 1 drink at first snap, 2 at second snap, 3 at third, etc.

Patriots try a trick play = 1 drink

Patriots successful with trick play = 1 drink, 1 shot

Patriots score TD on trick play = whole beer, 1 shot, 1 glass of wine

Eagles player acts like they're flying = 1 drink

Eagles fumble the ball = 1 drink

LeGarrette Blount runs someone over = 1 drink, bonus points for hitting a blunt

Jay Ajayi runs 10+ yards = 1 drink, bonus points for smoking a jay

Chris Long makes a tackle = 1 drink

Justin Timberlake exposes a body part = 1 drink per part

You hold in a piss during the game AND commercials = 1 drink per play, 1 drink per commercial

A commercial tries to be funny but fails = 1 drink

You flip over to Puppy Bowl = 1 drink per puppy on screen

So enjoy the game. Then enjoy the ambulance ride, then the hospital visit, then the morgue. Your funeral procession can be like your own personal championship parade for winning this drinking game. The hearse is like a duckboat.

Patriots-Seahawks Drinking Game: Super Bowl XLIX Edition

The Super Bowl is here at last. All that DeflateGate talk actually made the two week wait fly by. And here we are. All the practices, all the roster decisions, all the pain, all the regular season games, it all comes down to 60 minutes of football. And for us fans, 4+ hourss of intense drinking. Here's a drinking game to play while watching Super Bowl XLIX. Remember to get lubed up responsibly, and designate a driver to take you to the hospital and/or morgue.

Anytime a commentator says:
"Deflate" = take 1 drink of beer
"Gate" = 1 drink
"Pressure" = 1 drink
"PSI" = 1 drink
"(in)eligible" = 1 drink
"Controversy" = 1 drink
"Super" = 1 drink
"Legacy" = 1 drink
"Dynasty" = 1 drink
"Wilson" = 1 drink
A name that ends in "-ski" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Belichick" = 1 drink
"Job" = 1 drink
"Carroll" = 1 drink
"Glendale" = 1 drink (those named Glen or Dale can command others to drink until the next commercial)
"Al" = 1 drink
"Cris" = 1 drink
"Michelle" = 1 drink


Anytime this happens:
Penalty = 1 drink
Penalty on Brandon Browner = 1 drink, 1 shot of liquor
Touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff/punt return = drink for the entire return
Tom Brady points out the "mike" = 1 drink (if drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, you can command others to drink until the next commercial)
Brady says "Alpha milk" = 1 drink (if drinking a White Russian, you can command others to drink until the start of the next quarter)
Brady says a word that starts with "F" = 1 drink
Brady says a word that ends with "-uck" = 1 drink
Russell Wilson leaves the pocket = 1 drink
The Patriots go no huddle = 1 drink per snap
The Patriots throw short (5 yards and under) = 1 drink
Darrelle Revis and Richard Sherman are compared = drink for 24 seconds
Pete Carroll claps = 1 drink per clap
Bill Belichick folds his arms = 1 drink
Rob Gronkowski spikes the ball = finish your beer, spike it (bonus points for spiking a glass bottle)
Vince Wilfork makes a big play = 1 drink
Wilfork forces/recovers a turnover = 1 drink, 1 shot
Wilfork scores a touchdown = 1 drink, 1 shot, eat 1 turkey leg
Danny Amendola celebrates with his teammates = 1 drink
The Patriots block a punt/kick = drink an entire beer, then 1 shot (2 shots if returned for a TD)
Someone in the room makes a joke about Katy Perry's breasts being properly inflated = 2 drinks

Anytime this is on screen:
A ballboy or where the footballs are stored = 1 drink
A Roman numeral = 1 drink (if drinking Dos Equis or Molson XXX, you can command others to drink until the next commercial)
The number 12 (including in the crowd, and on the clock and scoreboard) = 1 drink
A trophy or representation of a trophy = 1 drink
The word "Wilson" (on jerseys AND on footballs) = 1 drink
Macklemore = 1 shot
Any other celebrity = 1 drink
Highlights from previous Super Bowls = drink for the entirety of the highlight
A graphic of coaching achievements = 1 shot
A graphic of Tom Brady's achievements = drink for 12 seconds
Michelle Tafoya = 1 shot
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
A cactus or anything else from the desert = 1 drink
A promo for other NBC programs = 1 drink
Starbucks logo = 1 drink from a Dunkin Donuts cup filled with ice coffee and Bailey's

Illustration by Linzi Silverman

Anytime you:
Hold in a piss = 1 drink per play and/or commercial you hold it in
Root against the team you like so you can win a square = 1 drink
Don't think a commercial is funny even though it tried to be = 1 drink
Pretend it's an accident that you switched the channel to Puppy Bowl = 1 drink
Endure listening to Katy Perry because of boobage = 1 drink
Claim to be a Lenny Kravitz fan but you want to watch Katy Perry = 1 shot
Wish Celebrity DeathMatch was still around and still did halftime shows = 1 drink, then imagine Kravitz fighting Katy Perry and all the claymated hilarity that would ensue

Bonus commercial and halftime drinking game:
Peyton Manning = drink for 18 seconds (if eating chicken parm, you can command others to drink until the next time Manning appears)
Danica Patrick = 1 drink
A ridiculously hot woman eating junk food = 1 drink (if you are a ridiculously hot woman eating junk food, you can command others to drink until the end of the game, but you could pretty much do that anyways)
Cleavage = 1 drink per cleaved boob
Lip-syncing = 1 shot per artist
Sunglasses = 1 drink
A horse = 1 drink per horse
A dog = 1 drink per dog (mega bonus points if you do this while watching Puppy Bowl, you crazy bastard)
The price of a car = 1 drink
Beer = 1 drink per beer

So that's the game. Make sure you call in sick for work on Monday, and to be safe might as well take Tuesday off as well. Also make sure your last will and testament is in order along with funeral arrangements and organ donation stuff (the ruined liver could be donated to science).

Enjoy playing the game while watching the game, do your job and get lubed up responsibly, don't drink and drive or else Vince Wilfork might have to pull you out of your car, and go Patriots!