Patriots-Seahawks Drinking Game: Super Bowl XLIX Edition

The Super Bowl is here at last. All that DeflateGate talk actually made the two week wait fly by. And here we are. All the practices, all the roster decisions, all the pain, all the regular season games, it all comes down to 60 minutes of football. And for us fans, 4+ hourss of intense drinking. Here's a drinking game to play while watching Super Bowl XLIX. Remember to get lubed up responsibly, and designate a driver to take you to the hospital and/or morgue.

Anytime a commentator says:
"Deflate" = take 1 drink of beer
"Gate" = 1 drink
"Pressure" = 1 drink
"PSI" = 1 drink
"(in)eligible" = 1 drink
"Controversy" = 1 drink
"Super" = 1 drink
"Legacy" = 1 drink
"Dynasty" = 1 drink
"Wilson" = 1 drink
A name that ends in "-ski" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Belichick" = 1 drink
"Job" = 1 drink
"Carroll" = 1 drink
"Glendale" = 1 drink (those named Glen or Dale can command others to drink until the next commercial)
"Al" = 1 drink
"Cris" = 1 drink
"Michelle" = 1 drink


Anytime this happens:
Penalty = 1 drink
Penalty on Brandon Browner = 1 drink, 1 shot of liquor
Touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff/punt return = drink for the entire return
Tom Brady points out the "mike" = 1 drink (if drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, you can command others to drink until the next commercial)
Brady says "Alpha milk" = 1 drink (if drinking a White Russian, you can command others to drink until the start of the next quarter)
Brady says a word that starts with "F" = 1 drink
Brady says a word that ends with "-uck" = 1 drink
Russell Wilson leaves the pocket = 1 drink
The Patriots go no huddle = 1 drink per snap
The Patriots throw short (5 yards and under) = 1 drink
Darrelle Revis and Richard Sherman are compared = drink for 24 seconds
Pete Carroll claps = 1 drink per clap
Bill Belichick folds his arms = 1 drink
Rob Gronkowski spikes the ball = finish your beer, spike it (bonus points for spiking a glass bottle)
Vince Wilfork makes a big play = 1 drink
Wilfork forces/recovers a turnover = 1 drink, 1 shot
Wilfork scores a touchdown = 1 drink, 1 shot, eat 1 turkey leg
Danny Amendola celebrates with his teammates = 1 drink
The Patriots block a punt/kick = drink an entire beer, then 1 shot (2 shots if returned for a TD)
Someone in the room makes a joke about Katy Perry's breasts being properly inflated = 2 drinks

Anytime this is on screen:
A ballboy or where the footballs are stored = 1 drink
A Roman numeral = 1 drink (if drinking Dos Equis or Molson XXX, you can command others to drink until the next commercial)
The number 12 (including in the crowd, and on the clock and scoreboard) = 1 drink
A trophy or representation of a trophy = 1 drink
The word "Wilson" (on jerseys AND on footballs) = 1 drink
Macklemore = 1 shot
Any other celebrity = 1 drink
Highlights from previous Super Bowls = drink for the entirety of the highlight
A graphic of coaching achievements = 1 shot
A graphic of Tom Brady's achievements = drink for 12 seconds
Michelle Tafoya = 1 shot
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
A cactus or anything else from the desert = 1 drink
A promo for other NBC programs = 1 drink
Starbucks logo = 1 drink from a Dunkin Donuts cup filled with ice coffee and Bailey's

Illustration by Linzi Silverman

Anytime you:
Hold in a piss = 1 drink per play and/or commercial you hold it in
Root against the team you like so you can win a square = 1 drink
Don't think a commercial is funny even though it tried to be = 1 drink
Pretend it's an accident that you switched the channel to Puppy Bowl = 1 drink
Endure listening to Katy Perry because of boobage = 1 drink
Claim to be a Lenny Kravitz fan but you want to watch Katy Perry = 1 shot
Wish Celebrity DeathMatch was still around and still did halftime shows = 1 drink, then imagine Kravitz fighting Katy Perry and all the claymated hilarity that would ensue

Bonus commercial and halftime drinking game:
Peyton Manning = drink for 18 seconds (if eating chicken parm, you can command others to drink until the next time Manning appears)
Danica Patrick = 1 drink
A ridiculously hot woman eating junk food = 1 drink (if you are a ridiculously hot woman eating junk food, you can command others to drink until the end of the game, but you could pretty much do that anyways)
Cleavage = 1 drink per cleaved boob
Lip-syncing = 1 shot per artist
Sunglasses = 1 drink
A horse = 1 drink per horse
A dog = 1 drink per dog (mega bonus points if you do this while watching Puppy Bowl, you crazy bastard)
The price of a car = 1 drink
Beer = 1 drink per beer

So that's the game. Make sure you call in sick for work on Monday, and to be safe might as well take Tuesday off as well. Also make sure your last will and testament is in order along with funeral arrangements and organ donation stuff (the ruined liver could be donated to science).

Enjoy playing the game while watching the game, do your job and get lubed up responsibly, don't drink and drive or else Vince Wilfork might have to pull you out of your car, and go Patriots!

USA vs. Canada Preview: Epic Fucking Hockey

One of the many things I love about Olympic hockey is that on the top teams, all these guys know each other. They've played against each other for years in the NHL, sometimes in the same division, sometimes with each other on the same teams. There's familiarity, and that breeds contempt. Then add the national rivalry and the high stakes with a chance for Olympic gold on the line, and the result is epic hockey. Not good hockey, not great hockey, epic fucking hockey.

For the US to win this game, they need goaltending. Jonathan Quick has been great during these Olympics, and they need that to continue. Quick can't let in any soft goals. And he's going to have to make at least one, but probably two or more brilliant, improvisational saves for the US to win. Goaltending is Team USA's biggest edge in this game. They need to press that advantage.

I also think Patrick Kane needs to score. In 4 games he has 4 assists and is +3, which would be good for a stretch of NHL games. However, when the US is playing Slovenia and Slovakia, and scoring 19 goals in 4 games, you'd expect more from production from a guy like Kane. We've seen how he can carry a team like he did the Chicago Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup. He needs to carry some of the load for Team USA.

The US also can't take any stupid penalties. Canada will play physical, they'll try to get under Team USA's skin, they might even embellish a few hits trying to get a call. Guys like Brooks Orpik need to remember that there are rules, they will be enforced, and Canada's power play is not something you want to give bonus opportunities to.

There will be a lot of pressure on USA's defensemen. The US has a lot of young defensemen and they have to face guys like Sydney Crosby, who know how to take advantage of inexperienced defensemen. Mistakes will happen, but there's a limit. And Quick can/must cover for errors made by Team USA's blue-liners.

This game is going to be a 60 minute (or more) arm wrestling match for control. Control of the puck, control of which zone the puck is in, control of the boards, and control of the area near the nets. Team USA has easily dominated those dirty areas against their European competition but Canada will not let them do that. Team USA can win battles down there, but it won't be nearly as lopsided in USA's favor as it has been against the Europeans. Shea Weber is 6' 4" and 233 pounds and will not be dislodged with ease.

Speed will be essential on the big ice surface. But both of these teams are very good at tightening up the game so all the meaningful battles and plays are made in confined space. There will be the occasional end to end, fast-paced stretches of play, but I think most of the game-changing plays will be made in close-quartered battles. Speed helps you enter those battles with momentum and an advantage. And speed helps you take advantage of pucks won in those areas.

I can talk and talk about this game forever. I'm literally fantasizing about it right now. You've got so many great players involved. All-Stars, Stanley Cup winners, 24 guys from the 2010 gold medal game.

You have 3 MVPs (Crosby, Corey Perry, Martin St. Louis), 2 Norris Trophy winners (P.K. Subban, Duncan Keith), 3 of the last 4 Conn Smythe winners (Patrick Kane, Jonathan Quick, Jonathan Toews), and there are 4 Jack Adams coach of the year award winners behind the two benches.

This is going to be great. And the winner gets a chance to play for gold, the loser goes to the bronze medal game.

The game will be on NBC Sports, and WEEI in Boston will be broadcasting it over the radio.

Olympic Hockey: Swedes Speed Past Slovenia

The Swedish play a methodical, confident style of hockey. They don't panic, they don't rush, they don't force plays that aren't there. They possess the puck, make their opponent skate around, then they use their high skill level and speed to make things happen. That's what they did to Slovenia, winning 5-0 to advance to the semifinals.

Even though the Swedes were an overwhelming favorite against Slovenia, this was a 0-0 game for almost the entire first period. It was a 1-0 game until early in the 3rd. The Swedes didn't score much for 40 minutes, but they were dictating the entire 60 minutes of this game. Slovenia had a handful of chances, but Henrik Lundqvist stopped them all. Lundqvist is another reason the Swedes can play with such patience and composure.

Alex Steen scored a power play goal in the 1st to put Sweden up 1-0. Then in the 3rd the Swedes broke the game open as the Slovenians looked exhausted. Loui Eriksson of the Boston Bruins set up Daniel Sedin to make it 2-0. Then Eriksson scored himself. Carl Hagelin scored the last two goals to make it 5-0. Erik Karlsson had an assist on Sweden's first goal and their last goal.

Henrik Lundqvist stopped 19 shots and recorded his second shutout of the Olympics. He's allowed 5 goals in 4 games and of the goalies on the four teams still standing, he's played the best at Sochi.

The Swedes will play Finland Friday morning at 6:30 (Eastern) on NBC Sports. This is a rematch of the 2006 gold medal game in Torino. Sweden won that game 3-2, and I think you'll see a similar result Friday.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Julio Cortez

Olympic Hockey: Latvia Upsets Switzerland

Latvia and Slovenia among the final 8 teams at the Olympics. How great is that? In 2010 Latvia finished 12th in the Olympics. Slovenia didn't even qualify. Latvia advanced the the quarterfinals by beating Switzerland 3-1.

Who is Daniel Alfredsson? A great NHL player who is an icon in Ottawa and currently plays for the Red Wings. He's won an Olympic gold medal and will probably be enshrined in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Who is Lauris Darzins? Let me look him up because before today I had no idea...

(Doing legitimate research)

He's a 29 year old winger from Riga, Latvia. He currently plays in the KHL. He played as a kid in a Finnish league. He was drafted in the 9th round of the 2003 NHL Draft by Nashville. He played juniors in Canada's Western Hockey League. He was never signed by Nashville. He returned to Europe to briefly play in the Finnish SM-Liiga, then the Czech Extraliga. He played in Belarus, then Dinamo Riga (Latvian KHL team), and he's still in the KHL playing for a team in Russia.

So he's not Daniel Alfredsson, who has over 1,000 NHL points. Why the comparison then?

Before this game, Alfredsson was the only player in these Olympics to score against Switzerland. In this game, Latvia's Darzins scored twice.

I could go on a tangent about Darzins because Nashville expressed interest in signing him a few years ago, but like many other European players, he'd rather be an established player in the KHL near home than struggle to even get a shot at making the NHL thousands of miles away. This is a trend in European hockey the last few years, and it's hurting NHL roster depth. The star Europeans play in the NHL, the depth guys would rather make more money in the KHL then slog through the AHL ranks.

Back to the game...

Switzerland, similar to other Germanic teams like Austria and Germany, plays well when the games goes according to plan. Switzerland plays to a script. They play very well in 0-0, 1-0 games. However they struggle to improvise when the game deviates from that script. They don't know how to react when, for instance, they fall behind 2-0.

That's what happened against Latvia. Oskars Bartulis beat Jonas Hiller thanks to a screen to put Latvia up 1-0. Lauris Darzins made it 2-0 with some exquisite patience by both himself and Mikelis Redlihs, who set him up. Darzins added an empty-netter.

Martin Pluss scored for Switzerland in the 2nd period, only the third goal scored by the Swiss in the tournament.

Latvia's reward is to play Canada, who collectively sighed with relief once they realized they wouldn't have to face Jonas Hiller.

It will be tough for the Latvians to beat Canada, but they should be proud of how well they've played in this tournament, with only one NHL player on their roster.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Mark Humphrey

Olympic Hockey: Czech Republic vs. Slovakia Recap (Winner to Play USA)

The 3rd period of this game was on of the most exciting in the Olympic tournament as the Slovaks almost came back from a 4 goal deficit. However the hole was too deep for Slovakia to pull themselves out of. The Czechs won 5-3 and will play The United States Wednesday at noon (Eastern) on USA Network.

The CR was up 4-0 late in the 2nd when Marian Hossa gave the Slovaks some momentum. Hossa's line would factor in all three Slovak goals, with Zdeno Chara not getting an official assist, but affecting the game just by his sheer presence.

Hossa scored again 7:21 into the 3rd, then Tomas Surovy scored 91 seconds later. Andrej Sekera and Michal Handzus each had two assists.

The remaining 11 minutes of the 3rd period were a back and forth frenzy of opportunities for both teams. Goalie Jan Laco kept the Slovaks within one goal while on the other end Ondrej Pavelec protected the Czech lead.

With 53 seconds left Andrej Meszaros committed a blatant slashing penalty to put the Slovaks a man down. The Slovaks were able to move the puck into the offensive zone to pull their goalie, but almost immediately the Czechs won possession back, and Tomas Plekanec scored the empty net goal to seal the Czech victory.

The Slovaks never played up to their ability in this tournament until the last 21 minutes of this game. Their best players - Marian Hossa, Zdeno Chara, Michal Handzus - are all a little on the old side. Chara and Handzus both turn 37 in March, and Hossa is 35. There are only a few guys on the Slovak roster who are in the prime of their hockey careers and also have top-level ability.

The Czechs, on the other hand, have a well balanced blend of experienced guys (Jaromir Jagr, Patrick Elias), and guys in the groove of their career (David Krejci, Tomas Plekanec), along with some talented young NHLers (Martin Hanzal).

They're going to be a tough opponent for the US. Hopefully that exciting 3rd period wore them down a little bit.

Czech Republic vs. USA Wednesday at noon (Eastern) on USA Network.

Photo Credit:
Jonathan Nackstrand/AFP/Getty Images

Olympic Hockey: Norway vs. Russia Recap

One story surrounding this game has been that the Russian team isn't playing to its potential. Some have suggested that there is division on the roster due to the mixture of NHL and KHL players. Russian media outlets are questioning where the "Big Red Machine" is. But I think these stories about Russia not playing well are exaggerated, even imagined.

Russia has played very well. Under NHL rules, they would have beaten the US in that epic game Saturday morning. And they were still just one shot or one save away from winning. The US needed 8 shootout rounds to beat them, and the US is a damn good team.

Russia beat Norway 4-0 and potentially quieted those doubters, at least for one day.

The game was closer than the score suggests. It was 2-0 before Norway pulled their goalie. It was 0-0 after the first period until Alexander Radulov was credited with a goal that bounced off a Norwegian skate and into the net. Pavel Datsyuk got the assist. Datsyuk tallied three assists in the game. Radulov also scored an empty-netter in the 3rd and had an assist. Ilya Kovalchuk scored late in the 2nd. Alexei Tereshenchenko scored with 40 seconds left in the 3rd.

All 4 of Russia's goals were scored by KHLers. Datsyuk and Vladimir Tarasenko were the only NHLers with assists.

Norway played a conservative game, trying to make everything difficult for Russia. That strategy is always a double edged sword because it makes offense hard to generate. You purposely reduce the number of offensive chances you'll get, and a team that lacks talent (relative to Russia) like Norway should play for as many offensive opportunities as possible, and hope Russia makes defensive mistakes (which they tend to do), and pray that Russia doesn't finish its offensive chances.

In hindsight, it's easy for me to say that. Norway played a great game against a great team in front of a hostile crowd. Had Norway managed to score first, maybe the supposed tension and rifts on Team Russia would have expressed themselves on the ice. Maybe a sour crowd would have made those tensions worse. Russia does seem like a team that doesn't handle adversity well.

And Russia will likely face adversity when they play against Finland in the quarterfinals.

Photo Credit:
Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Olympic Hockey Elimination Round Matchups

For the US to advance to the gold medal game, they'll have to get through some quality competition. They will face the winner of the Slovakia/Czech Republic game, then most likely play Canada in the semifinals. However they won't have to play Sweden, Russia, or Finland until the gold medal game.

Here's a quick preview of the opening round of the elimination stage, which will be played on Tuesday (starting at 3:00am), all times are Eastern:

Austria vs. Slovenia - winner faces Sweden
3:00am - NBC Sports
Each team won a game in the group stages. Austria beat Norway (so did everyone else). Slovenia beat Slovakia, and gave all their opponents a respectable fight. I think Slovenia wins this one before being crushed by the Swedes in the quarterfinals.

Russia vs. Norway - winner faces Finland
7:00am - NBC Sports
Norway lost all 3 of their games and only scored 3 goals. The Russians were a few bounces from winning their group. Russia wins this game, then I think they'll beat the Finns to advance to the semis against Sweden.

Switzerland vs. Latvia - winner faces Canada
12:00pm - MSNBC
The Swiss should scare everyone in this tournament. They won two games 1-0 in the group stage and lost to Sweden 1-0. They've allowed a single goal, thanks in no small part to goalie Jonas Hiller (who didn't play in the game against Sweden, so he has yet to allow a goal). They should beat Latvia (again), and give Canada a run for their money. I want to be bold/stupid and pick them to beat Canada, but I don't think they'll score more than a goal against the Canadians, which won't be enough

Slovakia vs. Czech Republic - winner faces USA
12:00pm - NBC Sports
Both teams should be disappointed with their group stage performances. Both were in tough groups. But Slovakia shouldn't be losing to Slovenia. The Czechs have 18 NHL players, the Slovaks have 12. Jaroslav Halak might be able to carry his Slovakian teammates, but I can't pick against the Czechs, who have been playing much better hockey in this tournament than their Slovakian rivals.

And of course, Team USA will defeat whoever they face in the quarterfinals.

So this sets up semifinal matchups of Sweden/Russia and Canada/USA, with a Europe vs. North America gold medal game. I think Sweden is playing great, has great scorers,  fantastic speed, and amazing goaltending. I think they beat Russia, the US narrowly beats Canada, and why not pick Team USA to win the gold.

America. Fuck yeah.

Boston Should Bid to Host the World Juniors in 2018

Yesterday Finland beat host and tournament favorite Sweden 3-2 in overtime to win the 2014 World Juniors. It was Finland's first medal in the competition since 2006, when a young Tuukka Rask carried the Finns to a bronze medal

If you don't know what the World Juniors are, it's an Olympic/World Cup style hockey tournament with national teams competing against each other. It's held annually in late December and early January, and all the players are under 20. It's sanctioned by the International Ice Hockey Federation (IIHF).

The US is going to host the tournament in 2018, and I think the City of Boston should make a serious bid to be the host city.

Boston hosted the World Juniors in 1996 (Jarome Iginla led the competition in scoring and won gold with Canada), and it didn't go well. It was poorly attended. Probably because it was spread out across Massachusetts, not concentrated in Boston. Games were played in Marlborough, Amherst, Springfield, and Worcester. And the finals were played at Boston College, not at the brand new Fleet Center.

Three important things have changed since 1996:

1. The tournament has streamlined its format and now typically only two venues are used (example: Toronto and Montreal will use their NHL rinks when they jointly host the 2015 World Juniors). Boston could use the TD Garden and BU's Agganis Arena. Those are both within the heart of the City, both easily accessible.

2. In the 2000s Boston has once again become a hockey city. Not just with the success of the Bruins, but with the rise in popularity of high school and college hockey. Just look at what we do with Fenway Park this time of year. We turn it into a hockey rink. BC and BU have combined to win 5 NCAA titles in the 2000s. Hockey East, centered in Boston, has become one of the most powerful conferences in college hockey (9 Hockey East players were on Team USA's roster in Sweden).

3. The World Juniors has become a bigger and more well-known event. The US has hosted twice since the 1996 tournament (in Buffalo in 2011 and Grand Forks, ND in 2005) and both were well attended. The tournament being broadcast on TSN in Canada and the NHL Network in the US has contributed to its growth in popularity and prestige. I wouldn't be surprised if by 2018 (or sooner) NBC Sports buys the US broadcast rights.

The tournament would be a good event for Boston to host. No new facilities need to be built, no highways need to be expanded, no dams need to be blown up, no forests need to be torn down. What's required is a hockey rink with lots of seats (TD Garden) and one with a medium number of seats (BU's Agganis Arena is state of the art, holds 6,000, and is right on the Green Line). You also need rinks for teams to practice at (Walter Brown Arena at BU, Matthews Arena at Northeastern, Conte Forum at BC, Tsongas Arena in Lowell, Lawler Arena at Merrimack College). Boston already has the facilities and infrastructure in place to pull off this event.

And Boston is already host to several notable hockey tournaments: the Super 8 high school championship, the Beanpot, and the Hockey East Tournament. The Garden will also host the Frozen Four in 2015.

New England college hockey players have always been a strong part of Team USA in this competition. Team USA had 7 New England college players (and an 8th committed to play at BU) on their roster for the 2014 World Juniors. There were 5 New England natives on the roster.

The event would draw tourists. Thousands of Canadians fly across the world for this tournament. They'll come to Boston, see the City, go out to eat, have a good time. So will friends, family, and fans from Sweden, Russia, Finland, and the rest of the US.

And I'm sure Frozen Fenway would see a boost in attendance. The Canadians that attend the World Juniors are clinically diagnosed hockey addicts. They'll go to Fenway to see some college hockey while they're in town.

The only inconvenience would be to the Bruins and Celtics. They would have to play extended road trips while the tournament occupies the Garden. The 2014 World Juniors started on December 26th and ended on January 5th.

At the same time the Garden, owned by Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs, would be able to open its gates to thousands of concessions buying fans, even with its two teams playing elsewhere. And Agganis Arena is always seeking additional events. They just hosted 22 Disney on Ice performances. The secondary rink in Malmö hosted 14 games for the 2014 World Juniors.

In 2011 Buffalo averaged 10,635 fans per game. For 31 games. How many between period Molsons is that? How many hot dogs and sodas? How many lunches and dinners will be consumed at the bars and restaurants off Causeway Street and on Comm Ave? How many additional tours of the Sam Adams Brewery will there be? (On a trip to Toronto, I learned that Sam Adams is one of the few American beers that Canadians respect)

Other US cities that want to host include Pittsburgh and Tampa. I think Boston is a better city than those two places, and a better hockey town. It's certainly a better hockey town than Tampa.

This is a great annual tournament, and I think Boston would be a great place for it to be held.

Patriots-Falcons Drinking Game: Sunday Night Football Edition

Before we go over the rules of the drinking game, I have a thought on tonight's football game: Don't get overly enthusiastic about a win, or overly depressed by a loss. Think of the football season as a semester in college. It's still early. This game is a good test for the Patriots, but it's just one test. In school you don't get an A just by acing one test. Nor do you flunk by getting just one F. This is a midterm exam, not a final.

To the lubing up...

Anytime a commentator says...
"Dome" = 1 drink from a beer
"Dome team" = 2 drinks
"Loud" or "Noisy" = 1 drink
"Wes Welker" = 1 drink
"Vick" = drink for 7 seconds
"High octane" = 5 drinks
"No huddle" = 1 drink
"Length" (when referring to armspan) = 1 drink
"This guy" or "Here's a guy" = 1 drink
"Test" = 1 drink
"Early" = 1 drink
"Matty Ice" = drink a scotch on the rocks
An abbreviation for Michael Hoomanawanui's last name = 1 drink

Anytime this is on screen...
Matt Ryan's regular season stats = drink for 2 seconds
Matt Ryan's playoff stats/record = drink for 20 seconds
Matt Ryan playing for Boston College = drink for 2 minutes
An angry Tom Brady = drink for 12 seconds
Healthy Rob Gronkowski = 1 drink
Sidelined Rob Gronkowski = finish beer, spike empty can Gronk style
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
Bill Belichick's sock(s) = drink an entire beer and a shot

Anytime this happens...
You yawn = mix Red Bull with liquor, 1 drink for the first yawn, 2 for the second, and so on
John Gruden makes himself laugh = 1 drink
Gruden makes a homoerotic remark about a football player's body, or a part of his body = 1 drink
Gruden compares a player's body or part(s) to an inanimate object (e.g. a fire hydrant) = 1 drink
Tom Brady yells "Aplha Milk" = 1 White Russian
Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink (or 3 drinks from Mike's Hard Lemonade for bonus points)
Patriots WR runs wrong route = 1 drink
Patriots WR drops pass = 1 drink
Brady throws to a tight-end (excluding Gronk) = 1 shot of liquor
Patriots force a turnover = 1 shot
Vince Wilfork forces or recovers a turnover = 1 whole beer, 1 shot
Wilfork returns a turnover for a TD = 1 whole beer, 1 shot, 1 pound of wings... Falcon wings
Kickoff touchback = 1 drink
Actual kickoff return = drink during entire return
Rob Gronkowski gets seriously injured = drink until you can't feel feelings, then call sports radio

Enjoy the game, and please get lubed up responsibly.

Vettel, Vettel Uber Alles

All is well in the world. A Limey has won Wimbledon and a Kraut has won at the Nürburgring.

Do you see what happens when tires are only part of the storyline and not the entire story? We get a close race that goes down to the wire, and we get the best car and the best driver winning. Sebastian Vettel finally won his home Grand Prix, edging Kimi Raikkonen and Romain Grosjean for an all-Renault powered podium. Vettel added to his lead over Fernando Alonso, who finished 4th in the F138 Ferrari.

I'm getting a sense of deja vu. It's like the season is starting over again. And in a way that's true with the new/old tire construction making a debut Sunday. It's like we're back in Melbourne. Mercedes are once again struggling to convert great qualifying performances into great race performances. And Lotus are incredibly strong, just as they were before Monaco. One constant is what Vettel and Red Bull are doing.

It's really special to watch, and I feel as though some of the critics are missing out. Those who claim Vettel is lucky or argue that the car is responsible for the success of the driver are failing to appreciate how remarkable the combination has worked, over and over and over, from Grand Prix to Grand Prix, from qualifying to raceday.

Look at the other teams. All of them fluctuate up and down, having a few good races, a few bad ones. Lotus looked very sharp yesterday, yet they are 4th in the constructors' standings because of their inconsistency. Mercedes are second in the standings but struggled yesterday, and also struggled before their covert Pirelli test. Ferrari are closing in on Mercedes, but even Alonso admits that they've lost significant pace. And McLaren are in 6th, their 12 point combined performance yesterday was their BEST of the season.

There's parity in the other F1 teams. Mercedes look good for 3 races, then Lotus charges toward the front, then Ferrari dazzles with a few strong performances. The only team that remains steadily strong is Red Bull. And instead of trying to find fault with that, and instead of harboring hope that heroic matador Fernando Alonso slays the bull (as NBC Sport's Will Buxton and Steve Matchett seem eager to see, every week trying to map out a way for Alonso to win despite his car's inadequacies), just sit back and appreciate the heights being reached by this driver and this team.

We're witnessing Formula 1 history being written by this 26-year old driver and this team which is in its 9th season. It's incredible to behold. This was his 30th win, only 1 shy of tying Nigel Mansell for 5th all-time, 2 behind Alonso for 4th. His 27.27% win rate is better than Prost, Senna, and Stewart.

A few side thoughts from yesterday's race:

I'm glad the cameraman struck by Mark Webber's tire is okay. He suffered some broken ribs, a broken collarbone, and a concussion. After the death of a marshal in Canada, I'm glad Formula 1 isn't adding to their list of track worker fatalities. These men and women working the race assume a significant amount of risk, with a relatively slim slice of the glitz, glamour, and glory pie that F1 brings to town. Red Bull were fined 30,000 Euros for the unsafe release, rightfully so.

Felipe Massa might have cashed his check with Ferrari. He attributed his spinout to his own error, then claimed he couldn't get the car back in gear. This is his latest race-ending incident of the season. He's only scored 12 points in the last 4 races. How interesting will the silly season be if there are open seats at Red Bull AND Ferrari? And with McLaren's struggles, don't rule out there being a vacancy in Woking as well.

This wasn't a typical Vettel yawnfest. He had to sweat for this one. I couldn't help but be reminded of another German driver. One of Michael Schumacher's most impressive attributes was his ability to respond to the gauntlets laid down by his opponents. Vettel did this yesterday. He pushed as hard as he needed to push, when he needed to push, and he never gave Grosjean or Raikonnen an opportunity to pass him. His ability to find that extra tenth of a second when it mattered most was very Schumacherian.

The Hungarian Grand Prix is an agonizing 3 weeks away. Vettel has never won that event. With 3 weeks I'm sure the teams challenging Vettel and Red Bull will have analyzed themselves and there will be more reshuffling from 2nd place back. But not at the front. At this point in F1 history, how can you pick anyone but Vettel to win?

Photo Credits:
AP Photo/Michael Probst
Mark Thompson/Getty Images

Remembering Why We Hate the Montreal Canadiens

The Bruins, after a lengthy break that felt like a mini-Lockout, are back in action tonight, playing the hated Habs in Montreal's Bell Centre. It's been a long time since these two rivals met, so I thought we could all remind ourselves why we hate the Montreal Canadiens.

#1 Their Fans
It's hard to find a whinier, more entitled fanbase in the Western Hemisphere. They called the police after Zdeno Chara checked Max Pacioretty. They moan when one of their players dives and a penalty isn't called. Their biggest criticism of former head coach Randy Cunneyworth was that he couldn't speak French, not that the team was 18-23-9 during his tenure. The Quebec Culture Minister got involved in that situation, and groups called for a boycott of Molson products until a French-speaking replacement was hired. Remember, the players can all speak English, Cunneyworth just couldn't do press conferences en Français.

Oh, and they sometimes boo The Star Spangled Banner.

#2 How They Play the Game
They play a different type of hockey in Montreal. It's more like European soccer. Players collapse at the slightest touch, hoping to draw a penalty. It's disgusting.

Now all teams have a player who has occasionally embellished a trip or a slash in order to get a Power Play for his team. What's different in Montreal is how blatantly they go about it.

Diving is a part of the hockey culture in Montreal. And while they're criticized for it, the NHL rarely does anything about it.

#3 P.K. Subban
He's a talented player. But there's so much not to like about this guy. He's one of the worst and most obvious floppers on the team. You see him play the game with such strength, then he acts like he's being helplessly thrown around.

This next play sums up Subban nicely. He goes from tough guy to turtle in 0.3 seconds.

There aren't many players on this team that are worthy of respect. They're not all diving diva douches like Subban. And Milan Lucic's old pal Michael Komisarek has moved on to Toronto. But looking at their roster and the only players I have any measurable respect for are Brian Gionta and Carey Price.

I hate the players, the coach, the team, the fans, the city, the Province.

I can't wait for tonight.

BC Hockey Grinds Out Win Over Dartmouth

There was an unofficial ECAC/Hockey East challenge over the weekend. Merrimack and Colgate tied 1-1, St. Lawrence beat Northeastern 5-2 then lost to BU 4-0, Quinnipiac and UMass tied 2-2, UMass-Lowell beat Princeton 3-1, Providence crushed Brown 7-0 in the Mayor's Cup, and BC outlasted Dartmouth 6-3. So Hockey East won this interconference challenge 4-1-2.

Boston College and Dartmouth (who were ranked 11th coming into the weekend) played a tight, very physical game. The 6-3 final score doesn't do justice for how close of a contest it was.

It was 3-3 going into the final period. For the first 40 minutes the puck spent most of its time near the boards as BC and Dartmouth jousted for possession. There were a few breakaways, but few clean offensive opportunities. Stringing together more than two passes in the middle of the ice was next to impossible.

BC's firepower won out in the 3rd. Pat Mullane scored his 2nd goal of the game 18 seconds into the period. Then Steven Whitney scored his 7th of the season for insurance. Johnny Gaudreau added an empty-netter. He finished the game with 2 goals and 3 assists.

In 11 games this season Gaudreau has 9 goals, 10 assists, and is +15. He's the biggest reason the Eagles are 10-1-0 and #1 in the country.

The victory was Jerry York's 923rd career win. He is now 1 shy of tying the all-time record for college hockey wins, held by Ron Mason. BC plays at BU on Friday, then hosts BU Saturday night. Both games will be televised nationally on NBC Sports.

Photo Credit:
BC Athletics

NBC Sports Aggressively Expanding

NBC Sports bid $250 million for the rights to broadcast the English Premier League for 3 years. They outbid Fox and ESPN, who currently hold the broadcasting rights for English soccer in America (source). It's the latest in a series of aggressive acquisitions by NBC Sports.

A few weeks ago they outbid Fox for the rights to broadcast Formula 1 racing in America. Formula 1 has niche appeal in the States, but is a global powerhouse. Forbes listed F1 driver Fernando Alonso as the 19th highest paid athlete in the world, with $32 million in earnings. His team, Ferrari, was ranked the 15th most valuable sports team in the world, between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Chicago Bears.

Both European soccer and Formula 1 have loyal but relatively small fanbases in the US. However there is significant room for growth. NBC is well situated to encourage and exploit that growth. Like ESPN, they have multiple channels at their disposal. They can reach a broad audience with their flagship NBC network, and a smaller but more concentrated viewership on NBC Sports. At night and on weekends, business-focused CNBC is essentially an idle channel, which NBC has already used to air Olympic and NHL coverage.

NBC's expansion isn't limited to small sports looking to grow, it includes established sports that already attract large audiences. The Big East recently decided to field open bids for the TV rights to its football games, instead of re-signing with ESPN. NBC Sports will compete with ESPN, as well as Fox, for those rights. NBC Sports currently hold the rights to Notre Dame football (this has been a good year for that contract), as well as the lower level Ivy League and CAA. They sub-license rights to Mountain West games from CBS Sports. If NBC snares the Big East, it would be a significant incursion into major college football.

NBC already possesses an arsenal of sports assets: Sunday Night Football, every third Super Bowl, the Olympics, horse racing's Triple Crown, and the NHL (which is unfortunately not taking advantage of NBC's growth campaign). They also broadcast second-tier sports such as Major League Soccer, the Golf Channel, IndyCar racing, and rugby.

And since 2011, when Comcast bought a majority share in NBC Universal, NBC Sports has controlled Comcast's network of regional sports channels. That includes 11 channels across the country focused on regional sports, including Comcast SportsNet Houston, which launched just a few weeks ago.

In the age of onDemand and DVRs, broadcasters and cable companies crave programming which people watch live, and therefore cannot skip commercials. Sports provide such content. NBC is determined to conquer as much territory in the lucrative sports landscape as it can. It might not challenge ESPN, at least not for a few years, but it does have an eye on CBS, and seems dead-set on hunting Fox.

Bobby Valentine Throws David Ortiz Under the Bus

Bobby Valentine didn't make easy for himself in Boston. He tried to use the media as a tool but wound up injuring himself, like a child playing with a rotary saw. He still hasn't learned his lesson.

In an interview with Bob Costas on NBC Sports, Bobby V accused David Ortiz of quitting on the team once the Sox traded Josh Beckett, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford on August 25th.

Hey Bobby, you're lucky Ortiz was trying until August 25th. And why should he push himself in a meaningless September? Why jeopardize that Achilles? Both David Ortiz and the Red Sox need that Achilles in functioning condition next year.

And that's assuming Valentine's accusations hold any merit. Which is quite an assumption. In the same interview Valentine denied that he ever said "Nice inning, kid," to Will Middlebrooks. What's particularly insane about that is that Valentine was the one who told the media he'd said that to Middlebrooks.

Bobby V has some deep-rooted psychological issues. He thinks these lies he tells are the truth. He's like Matt Damon in The Informant!.

Valentine also mentioned that front office personnel were frequently in his office before and after games. Although he had nothing but praise and sympathy for Larry Lucchino and ownership.

In Spring Training, Valentine berated Mike Aviles for not executing a relay drill properly. Valentine had never explained the drill to the players, so they confronted him about screaming at Aviles. In the interview with Costas, Valentine alluded to this attitude from the players: "I think that is unique to that group of guys. I don’t think it’s indigenous to all of baseball, or at least I pray it’s not."

The Sox have plenty of attitude problems, but this instance was Bobby Valentine's ego getting in his own way. And the incident probably ruined any chance he'd have at being respected by the players here. Why would you respect a manager who doesn't tell you what he expects you to do, then yells at you for not doing it?

That incident with Aviles was the beginning of the end for Valentine. And ironically it was Aviles who was sent to Toronto in exchange for Valentine's replacement.

Bobby Valentine is the least credible personality in all of sports. Because what he views as reality just isn't real.

Is the NHL Suicidal?

Every day there's no hockey, I shake my head at the stupidity of the NHL and its owners for this Lockout. Until yesterday when I realized that the NHL is actually experiencing deep psychological trouble. I think it's trying to kill itself. How else do you explain its odd, self-destructive behavior?

The NHL has grown total revenues by 50% since the last Lockout, and it's wasting an opportunity to grow even more. Here's what the NHL is missing out on...

1. Cable companies are craving content

Especially sports. There are new channels every day and they all want sports. Because people watch sports live, not on DVR or onDemand. They watch the sports (and the commercials) as they happen. Which advertisers love, so therefore cable channels loves. NBC Sports just bought the rights to broadcast off-road truck racing, and rumor has it they bought the rights to Formula 1. How many college football games were on TV Saturday? Harvard/Bucknell was broadcast nationally. There's an insatiable hunger for sports and the NHL has taken itself off the menu.

The NHL has been with NBC Sports, and it could've been the flagship partner of a growing sports network. But because it's suicidal, it's decided to jeopardize its popularity (and therefore its ratings) by not existing for a few months. And each game cancelled is a game not televised.

2. Big markets are in love with their teams

We call them pink hats, but their money and their TV viewership is just as valuable to teams as loyal fans. And in Boston, Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles (a town comprised almost entirely of pink hats), hockey was becoming popular. These big market teams were carrying the league. And now the fickle pink hats, who don't even notice that the season hasn't started, will find other forms of entertainment.

The recent growth of hockey in Boston, Chicago, and LA is under threat because the Phoenix Coyotes and Florida Panthers can't pay their bills.

3. Canada on equal footing

The exchange rate between US and Canadian money is essentially 1 to 1. That was not always the case. A few years ago, Canadian teams struggled because their fans paid in Canadian dollars and they paid their players in US dollars. With the exchange rate even, that financial handicap is gone.

Canada also wants more teams. They're hungry for the game. And they can provide homes for the Southern NHL teams that aren't making money.

These three things clearly demonstrate that the NHL is trying to destroy itself. It's on the verge of making significant strides forward, as a brand, as a money-maker, and as a game. This is a great environment for the NHL to grow in, so how else can you explain the owners forcing this Lockout?

They must want the League and the Game to die.