Patriots-Cardinals Drinking Game: Opening Sunday Night Edition

Football season is back! And so are the Patriots! Well, not all of the Patriots. No Rob Gronkowski or Tom Brady, because it was deemed more probable than not that Brady was more than likely probably generally aware that footballs were possibly potentially may have been deflated, even though they were the air pressure predicted by the Ideal Gas Law. And the NFL revealed absolutely no data from their air pressure monitoring during the 2015 season. Brady's suspension has little to do with air pressure and more to do with his unwillingness to yield to the pressure applied by the NFL and Roger Goodell. Anyway, DeflateGate is enough to drive a man to drink, so let's get to a more sobering thought: a drinking game for the season opener!

Here are the rules...

Anytime a commentator says:
"Suspension" = take 1 drink of beer
"Deflate" = 1 drink
"Injured" = 1 drink
"Out" = 1 drink
"4 weeks" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Gronkowski" = 1 drink
"Week 1" = 1 drink
"Sunday" = 1 drink
"John" or "Johnson" = 1 drink
"Brown" = 1 drink
"Malcolm" = 1 drink
"Barkevious" = 1 drink and scream "MINGO!"
"Jimmy" = 1 drink
"Arizona" = 1 drink
"NFC West" = 1 drink
Anything about 'The Patriot Way' or 'Next Man Up' = finish your beer


Anytime this is on screen:
Bill Belichick = 1 drink
Bruce Arians = 1 drink
Barkevious Mingo = 1 drink and scream "MINGO!"
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Bob Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
A picture or video of Tom Brady = drink for 12 seconds and raise a middle finger to Roger Goodell
A picture or video of Rob Gronkowski = 1 drink, and stretch your hamstrings
Highlights from Super Bowls played in Arizona = drink for the duration of the video
An injury report graphic = 1 drink per injured player



Anytime this happens:
DraftKings or FanDuel commercial = 1 drink (make sure you have enough beers)
Peyton Manning commercial = 1 drink
Cris Collinsworth annoys you = 1 shot of liquor
Al Michaels says something without explicitly saying it (typically about the spread) = 1 shot
Someone Gronk-spikes a football = finish your beer and spike it (bonus points for glass bottles)
Touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff or punt return = drink for the duration of the return
Julian Edelman catches a pass = 1 drink
You're worried Edelman is hurt = 1 shot
Martellus Bennett is tall = 1 drink
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
LeGarrette Blount runs for a 1st down = 1 drink, 1 hit from a blunt
Jimmy Garoppolo says "Alpha Milk" = 1 drink
Chandler Jones makes a big play = 1 shot



So enjoy the game, get lubed up responsibly, this blog is not responsible for hospital bills incurred due to injuries and illnesses suffered as a result of playing this game.

Do not play this game.

Patriots - Colts drinking game: DeflateGate Revenge Edition

It's time for revenge. Because somehow beating the Colts by 50+ points will make up for the months of misinformed "11 of 12 footballs being 2+ PSI under" bogus stories that the NFL leaked (what former Jets employees leaked, so the Day of Vengeance should be next Sunday when the Jets come to Gillette). Will beating the Colts by 7 touchdowns put all the BS back into the mouths of morons like Michael Felger? Will a thorough and complete beatdown of the Colts atone for the lack of fact-checking by ESPN and the rest of the sports media, and the subsequent lack of apology for being completely wrong, and allowing themselves to be used as the propaganda arm of the NFL?

No.

This game isn't about revenge. It's about winning, and winning against a team you have comprehensively dominated for years. And if it's a win by 1 point, I think that'd be so much better than winning by 50. It would be more heart-breaking, more of a tease. Furthermore, it would also trick the Colts into thinking that they're close to the Patriots, just a few minor adjustments away from being contenders. That kind of false hope is priceless, and would be a true revenge. Let them think they're close so they don't fire their horrible GM or their foolish head coach, and don't tell Andrew Luck to stop turning the ball over. So while part of me wants this to be a 50+ point slaughter, part of me also wants this to be a closely fought struggle. Just to fool the Colts that they're in the Patriots' league. False hope is true torture.

Anyway, here's a drinking game you can play during the football game. Please make sure you do two things before playing this: #1. call out of work on Monday because you'll be quite incapacitated. #2. Put your last will and testament in order, because it will be needed.

The rules of the game (which must be strictly adhered to, or players will be suspended for 4 weeks, and there will be a loss of draught picks, which means you won't be able to pick which beer you drink)...

Anytime a commentator says...
"Deflate" or any form of the word - take 1 drink of beer
A word that ends with "-Gate" - take 1 drink of beer
Something about DeflateGate without saying "deflate" - drink for 12.5 seconds
"Air" = 1 drink
"Pressure" = 1 drink
"Goodell" = 1 drink
"Indianapolis" = 1 drink
"AFC" = 1 drink
"Championship" = 1 drink
"Revenge" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Gronk" = 1 drink
"Luck" = 1 drink
A stupid pun and/or play on words involving the word "luck" (e.g. "luck of the draw," if the Colts run a QB draw) = 1 shot of hard liquor
"Al" = 1 drink
"C(h)ris" = 1 drink
"Bob" = 1 drink
"Michele" = 1 drink
"D'Qwell" = 1 drink, 1 shot of Nyquil


Anytime this happens...
The Patriots score = drink for as many seconds as the Patriots have points (you must also drink after PATs)
A DraftKings or FanDuel commercial = take 1 drink
Air pressure is mentioned = drink 11 of 12 ounces of beer
A penalty = 1 drink
Tom Brady points out the "mike" = 1 drink, bonus points for drinking from Mike's Hard Lemonade
Brady says all or part of "Alpha Milk" = 1 drink, bonus points for drinking a White Russian
Brady holds the ball for longer than 2 seconds = 1 drink
Rob Gronkowski throws somebody out of the club = finish your beer
Gronk scores = 1 drink
Gronk spikes = finish your beer, then spike the container (bonus points for spiking glass bottles/mugs)
Jamie Collins makes a big play = 1 drink
Julian Edelman makes a guy miss = 1 drink
Dion Lewis makes a guy miss = 1 drink
The Patriots run for 5+ yards = 1 drink
Kick or punt return = drink during entire return
Touchback = 1 drink
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
Andrew Luck turnover = 1 whole beer


Anytime this is on screen...
A banner =  1 drink per banner (this will be a lot of drinking)
The number 12 (on jerseys, scoreboards, clocks, graphics, etc.) = 1 drink
Highlights from previous Pats/Colts games = 1 shot of liquor
Peyton Manning = drink for 18 seconds
Rodney Harrison = drink for 37 seconds
Ty Law = drink for 24 seconds
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
Jim Irsay = 1 drink (please don't drive)
A shot of footballs and/or ball boys = 1 shot
Ernie Adams = drink a bottle of wine by the time the game ends

So enjoy the game, get lubed up responsibly, don't drink and drive, don't complain about air pressure unless you understand the basic laws of physics.

NFL Refs Conspiring to Ruin Football Games? Revenge for Lockout?

Nothing will ever match the ineptitude of last year's replacement refs. They couldn't keep up with the pace of the game. They made obvious blunders. They ruined the on-field product so badly that the NFL caved and we all celebrated the return of the real refs, who performed so much better than their scab counterparts.

Then there's this year. For the most part NFL refs have been fine. They're not perfect. They make mistakes. And there's the same old inconsistencies with holding and P.I. and all that stuff that's always been annoying.

Then there are a handful of weird plays, all at the ends of big games, that involve obscure rules, or questionable rule interpretations, or forgetting what down it is.

The Patriots and Jets played an overtime game that turned when the Pats were flagged for pushing each other while attempting to block a hopelessly long field goal. Two Sundays ago the Patriots were in Charlotte and the game ended with a pass interference flag being picked up. And this past Sunday the Redskins were apparently given a 1st down, which was actually 3rd down, then the refs caught the "mistake" and reset the dial-a-down to indicate a 4th down. They also failed to measure the very close 1st down that wasn't actually a 1st down.

Mike Shanahan probably didn't ask for a measurement since he seemed to think his team already had a 1st down.

It's just weird that these things are happening. That was replacement level incompetence in the Redskins game. I haven't seen that pushing penalty called since the Pats/Jets game. And few people who don't work for the NFL think it was correct for the officials to pick up the P.I. flag in the Pats/Panthers game.

There was also the Steelers game on Thanksgiving, in which the refs took a touchdown off the board because the ball carrier's helmet was knocked off half a second before he scored a touchdown.

Is there a conspiracy? I doubt it.

Or do I?

Are a group of rogue referees trying to get revenge on the NFL for last year's lockout? Have they decided to spoil the endings of close marquee NFL games with confusion? They waited until the end of the game to penalize the Patriots for their pushing. They tried to go back in take a touchdown from the Steelers. They royally screwed up the end of the Redskins game, and never paused to explain the confusion to anyone on either sideline.

Lack of explanation is another trend in these calls. Belichick didn't get one in Carolina. Shanahan didn't get one Sunday night.

How many times have we heard football pundits and talking heads say "I've never seen anything like this," in regards to officials this year?

It's almost too odd. And keep in mind, the crew that officiated that Steelers game also did the Pats/Panthers game with that waved off pass interference in the end zone.

And three of these four games were nationally televised. The Steelers and Redskins games were on NBC, the Pats/Panthers game was on a Monday Night. Three were divisional matchups. Three were rivalry games. And 6 of the 7 different teams involved are among the NFL's most popular. The teams involved have also won 9 of the last 13 Super Bowls.

It's just too weird for the best football refs to make such bizarre decisions at the endings of big games. A little too weird.

Patriots Win as a Team in Atlanta

You remember the Super Bowl against the Rams, when the Patriots were introduced as a team. That was how they won back in 2001, 2003, and 2004, as a team. That's also how they won Sunday night and that's also how they've managed to go 4-0 despite injury after injury.

This is no longer just Tom Brady carrying the roster on his back. Win or lose, this will be a group effort in 2013. From Brady to Thompkins to Talib to Blount to rookie defensive linemen nobody has ever heard of to Pro Bowl offensive linemen protecting Brady and opening holes for the running backs. Team, team, team.

Aqib Talib's Sunday Night performance was a masterpiece. Ryan threw at him 8 times, and only completed one of those passes. Talib hauled in his 4th interception of the season, and he defended 4 passes, including the game-clinching 4th down pass in the end zone. His presence on the field is a necessary condition of the Patriots winning against good teams. Without him, the Pats are screwed.

The offensive line also stepped up. They protected Brady on 3rd and 19 so he could hook up with Kenbrell Thompkins. On the next play Dan Connolly pulled and opened up a large gap for LeGarrette Blount to barrel through and then sprint to a 47-yard TD.

Speaking of Thompkins, he and Brady seem to have finally reached a level of trust and comfort. The TD pass Brady threw to Thompkins was all about trust. Brady threw to a spot he figured Thompkins would reach, and Thompkins got there.

It wasn't a completely clean victory for the Pats. Zach Sudfeld bobbled an onside kick and gave Atlanta some life. Brady had his second fumbled snap of the season, which is 2 more than I can ever remember him having. That was on a huge 4th and 1 play. And Dont'a Hightower still struggles in coverage.

The Falcons contributed by committing several unforced errors which made the Patriots' path to victory much clearer: Going for it on 4th and 2 so early in the game, an obviously excited Matt Ryan overthrowing on that same 4th and 2 play, a few key penalties, some drops. The Falcons are just too tightly wound to win in big games. There's no composure, only a hurried over-eagerness to make a big play.

The Patriots passed a test and are 4-0. And that means what? The combined record of their opponents is 5-11. So we shouldn't be crowing the Patriots just yet. It's barely autumn.

However, the goal for the first half of the season was to tread water until Gronkowski returned. The Patriots are 4-0 without him. And have won 3 without Amendola. And just won without Wilfork for most of the game. I'll take 4-0 with all these injuries, regardless of the caliber of opponent. The Pats have achieved their quarterly goals.

They remain on the road against a decent Bengals team that's 2-2, but also 2-0 at home.

Photo Credit:
Daniel Shirey - USA Today

Patriots-Falcons Drinking Game: Sunday Night Football Edition

Before we go over the rules of the drinking game, I have a thought on tonight's football game: Don't get overly enthusiastic about a win, or overly depressed by a loss. Think of the football season as a semester in college. It's still early. This game is a good test for the Patriots, but it's just one test. In school you don't get an A just by acing one test. Nor do you flunk by getting just one F. This is a midterm exam, not a final.

To the lubing up...

Anytime a commentator says...
"Dome" = 1 drink from a beer
"Dome team" = 2 drinks
"Loud" or "Noisy" = 1 drink
"Wes Welker" = 1 drink
"Vick" = drink for 7 seconds
"High octane" = 5 drinks
"No huddle" = 1 drink
"Length" (when referring to armspan) = 1 drink
"This guy" or "Here's a guy" = 1 drink
"Test" = 1 drink
"Early" = 1 drink
"Matty Ice" = drink a scotch on the rocks
An abbreviation for Michael Hoomanawanui's last name = 1 drink

Anytime this is on screen...
Matt Ryan's regular season stats = drink for 2 seconds
Matt Ryan's playoff stats/record = drink for 20 seconds
Matt Ryan playing for Boston College = drink for 2 minutes
An angry Tom Brady = drink for 12 seconds
Healthy Rob Gronkowski = 1 drink
Sidelined Rob Gronkowski = finish beer, spike empty can Gronk style
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time he's talking
Bill Belichick's sock(s) = drink an entire beer and a shot

Anytime this happens...
You yawn = mix Red Bull with liquor, 1 drink for the first yawn, 2 for the second, and so on
John Gruden makes himself laugh = 1 drink
Gruden makes a homoerotic remark about a football player's body, or a part of his body = 1 drink
Gruden compares a player's body or part(s) to an inanimate object (e.g. a fire hydrant) = 1 drink
Tom Brady yells "Aplha Milk" = 1 White Russian
Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink (or 3 drinks from Mike's Hard Lemonade for bonus points)
Patriots WR runs wrong route = 1 drink
Patriots WR drops pass = 1 drink
Brady throws to a tight-end (excluding Gronk) = 1 shot of liquor
Patriots force a turnover = 1 shot
Vince Wilfork forces or recovers a turnover = 1 whole beer, 1 shot
Wilfork returns a turnover for a TD = 1 whole beer, 1 shot, 1 pound of wings... Falcon wings
Kickoff touchback = 1 drink
Actual kickoff return = drink during entire return
Rob Gronkowski gets seriously injured = drink until you can't feel feelings, then call sports radio

Enjoy the game, and please get lubed up responsibly.