Patriots vs. Chiefs Drinking Game: Banner Raising Edition

Football season is back and it begins as it should: with the Patriots raising a championship banner. This one made even sweeter by the failed attempts of the NFL and Commissioner Roger Goodell to punish the Pats for not kneeling to him and kissing his ass.

The Patriots begin their title defense against the Chiefs, and hope to become the first back-to-back champions since themselves back in 2003 and 2004. The team is loaded with talent but it's all about execution. Having talent is like stocking your fridge and liquor cabinet with great booze. Assembling it is the first step, but knowing what to do with it is far more important.

We're happy to help guide you to drinking your way through the 2017 season. And we begin with a drinking game to play as the Pats host the Chiefs, hoist a banner, and you destroy your internal organs and your life with toxic levels of alcohol.

Here are the rules...

Every time a commentator says:
Banner = take 1 drink of beer
Raise = 1 drink
Five = drink beer for 5 seconds
Time = 1 drink
Champion (in any form) = 1 drink and raise your ring fingers in the air as an FU to Goodell
Defending = 1 drink
Super Bowl = 1 drink
Fifty-one = drink for 51 seconds
Greatest/best = 1 drink

Do = 1 drink
Your = 1 drink
Job = 1 drink
No days off = 1 drink

Chiefs = 1 drink
(Kansas) City = 1 drink
Eric = 1 drink
Mitchell or Mitch = 1 drink
Ware = 1 drink
Any first name that begins with "De" (e.g. De'Anthony or Dee) = 1 drink
Smith = 1 drink
Game manager = 1 drink
AFC West = 1 drink
Chris (or Cris) = 1 drink
Marcus = 1 drink
Al = 1 drink

Deflate = 1 drink
Gate = 1 drink
Suspended = 1 drink
Roger = 1 drink
Goodell = 1 drink


Any time this is on screen:
The score 28-3: drink for 25 seconds
A banner = 1 drink per banner
A Lombardi Trophy = 1 drink per trophy
A Super Bowl ring = 1 drink per ring
Roger Goodell = finish your beer

Injured Spencer Ware = 1 drink
Injured Julian Edelman = finish your beer, toss it in the air, and whoever makes the most ridiculous catch get 1,000 points
Video of Ware and/or Edelman getting hurt = drink during entire clip

Super Bowl highlights = drink during the entire clip
The number 51 (including on the clock): 1 drink
Roman numerals = 1 drink per letter (bonus points for drinking Dos Equis, or Molson XXX)

Vince Wilfork = 1 drink, 1 shot, eat a turkey leg
Ernie Adams = 1 shot of liquor (bonus points if it's gin, Ernie seems like a gin guy)
Jimmy Garappolo = 1 drink


Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking = drink the entire time he talks



Any time this happens:
Andy Reid mismanages the clock = finish your beer

Tom Brady yells in anger = 1 drink
Tom Brady yells in joy = 1 drink
Brady headbutts someone = 1 drink
Brady points out the "mike" = 1 drink (bonus points if drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, but only if you're a girl or weigh under 100 pounds)
Brady says "alpha milk" = 1 drink

Pats go no huddle = 1 drink per snap
Chiefs run the ball = 1 drink
James White gets the ball = 1 drink
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink

Rob Gronkowski makes a catch = 1 drink
Gronk makes a big block = 1 drink
Gronk scores a TD = finish your beer, spike it (bonus points for glass containers spiked on hard surfaces)
You get worried that Gronk is hurt = 1 shot

Stephen Gostkowski barely makes a kick = 1 drink
Gostkowski misses a kick = 1 shot


So enjoy the game between the Patriots and Chiefs. And if you play this game, please also enjoy the trip to the hospital, the morgue, and the cemetery.

Ugly, Ugly, Ugly

Photo Credit:

AP Photo - Bill Wippert

I honestly have no idea how to start writing about this game. It would take the talent and skill of William Shakespeare to truly express, in words, how grotesquely ugly this game was for the Patriots. And yet they won. They've had ugly wins before, particularly against Buffalo, and particularly in September. And we tend to forget them so long as the next game is on the attractive side. Hopefully we'll forget this one soon, like a regrettable drunken night during which many mistakes were made.

So I'll accentuate the positive first, then address the negatives that ABSOLUTELY MUST be corrected, then finish with a conclusion like "Week 1's goodness, badness, and ugliness only matter if they extend into Week 2."

Danny Amendola earned the respect of New England in this game. He might have a fragile, injury-prone body, but he's not frail. He's not J.D. Drew. He pushed himself through pain as Brady's go-to guy, and had a huge game. Julian Edelman got the TDs, but Amendola seemed to have every big catch in every crucial situation. When Brady needed a play, he went to Amendola.

Shane Vereen started the day as a backup and finished as a starter. He ran the ball 14 times for 101 yards. And he didn't fumble. He also caught 7 passes for 58 yards. And didn't fumble. He also held onto the ball. And he didn't let the ball go. Zero was the number of fumbles he had.

The Patriots lost a lot of pass reception production when Woodhead left (which we forget about with the departure of Welker, the incarceration of Hernandez, and the injury to Gronkowski). If Vereen can provide a chunk of that production, it would take pressure off replacement receivers and tight-ends.

Kyle Arrington was the defensive star, forcing some fumbles. Without the big plays made by Amendola, Vereen, or Arrington, the Patriots lose and lose badly. Really, really badly.

By the same token, without all the mistakes Buffalo made, the Patriots lose and lose badly. All the penalties and turnovers killed Buffalo's momentum whenever it was starting to build. Buffalo did their best to make this an easy Patriots win. The Pats did all they could to make it difficult.

Ball control issues plague Stevan Ridley and have for years. It's one thing when Brady fumbles a QB/Center exchange. That's a one in a million miscue that could happen to anyone at anytime. Ridley has a trend of fumbling, and history seems to be repeating itself.

The rookie pass catchers looked like rookies. Kenbrell Thompkins made a sideline catch but couldn't get two feet down. It was a catch in college, not the NFL. He also didn't realize how much space he had in the back of the end zone and went out of bounds. It was a touchdown in the CFL not in the NFL. Zach Sudfeld stumbled on a route then couldn't haul in a Brady pass, which turned into an INT. Gronkowski's giant bear claw hands (which are just as sticky as bear claws) would have enveloped the ball, Sudfeld instead batted it to a defender.

Maybe these things get better as the season progresses, maybe not. They'd better.

It's a short turnaround against the Jets. Not much time to dwell on mistakes, which maybe is a good thing. Maybe the team can get back out there on Thursday and play a cleaner game. Sort of like giving the ball to a runningback the first offensive play after he fumbles. Get back on the horse and what have you.

Why Week 1 Against the Bills Worries Me

Normally I look at Patriots/Bills games as an almost automatic 'W' for the Pats. The Pats are 18-1 in their last 19 meetings, and 23-2 in their last 25. But for some reason this Week 1 meeting has me worried.

I can't help but feel like the Bills are overdue for a win. I know past results don't have any impact on the likelihood of future results and the whole idea of being "overdue" is typically only psychological. Then again, the Bills will be extra motivated. This is their Super Bowl. They'll be even more pumped than Detroit was in the preseason. The Pats, on the other hand, need to avoid feeling too confident against an opponent they've owned for over a decade.

Another thing that worries me is the timing of the game. The Bills like to torture their fans, giving them hope with early season successes, then crushing their spirits by deteriorating as the season wears on. Every Bills season is a Shakespearean tragedy. It may seem cruel, as I think it effectively shortens the life-span of Bills fans. However that's a kind, humane thing to do to people who have to live in Western New York.

The early season is when Buffalo has had their limited success against the Pats. In 2003 Buffalo beat New England 31-0 in Week 1, the infamous Lawyer Milloy game. In 2011 the Bills beat the Pats 34-31 in Week 3. Both of Buffalo's wins since 2001 have been in September and in Buffalo. Two wins isn't much. Mathematically speaking, however, since 2001 the Bills have had infinitely more success against the Patriots in September than in any other month. Two wins is infinitely more than zero.

And even when Buffalo has lost, Week 1 games have been close between these two teams. In 2006 the Pats won 19-17. In 2009 they won 25-24 on Monday Night Football. That was the game that Leodis McKelvin fumbled a kickoff return with 2 minutes left in what should have been a Buffalo win.

Week 1 against Buffalo after major personnel changes has me worried most of all. That 2003 loss to Buffalo came after the Patriots dropped Lawyer Milloy. The defense was in disarray. Tom Brady was out of sorts. It was preseason Week 5 for the Pats, not regular season Week 1. And this year the Pats have had to make dramatic adjustments: losing Welker to Denver, losing Gronkowski to injury (for now), and losing Hernandez to the Bristol County House of Correction.

On the bright side, the Pats started that 2003 season 2-2, then won 21 straight games, 38 of 40, and 2 Super Bowls. So maybe Week 1 losses to Buffalo aren't the end of the world.