Patriots Sign Tim Tebow

Emotionally, I hate this. I am not a Tim Tebow fan. I don't hate him, I just don't have any reason to like him. I hate the mania that surrounds him. There's nothing I've seen from him that I like. I hate his fans, and that's not his fault, but I hate seeing his fans happy. And now their happiness coincides with my happiness as a Patriots fan.

From a strictly football perspective, it makes sense. It's not a major plus. It's a low-risk type of acquisition. As a #3 QB you have a guy with NFL experience, with athleticism, with playoff experience. His mechanics suck, his decision making is questionable, but as a #3 last resort, project QB, why not? What is there to lose?

And he is an athlete and can play in different spots, maybe as a goal-line runningback, maybe as a #4 tight-end, whatever.

All his on-field negatives as a passer are irrelevant because I don't think he'll see the field as a quarterback unless something awful has happened or the Patriots are up by 28 points with a minute left. And in other spots he'll see the field if he deserves it. Hopefully not in many trick situations, Josh McDaniels likes those too much in my opinion.

The Patriots drafted a rugby player once. They signed a track athlete. They're willing to give athletes a chance to earn a spot on the roster and on the field. They now have a #3 QB who might be able to find minor roles in other aspects of the game. Why not?

As far as the off-field negatives (in this day and age we consider someone with no criminal record to have off-field negatives), the whole "circus" that accompanies Tebow, I'm not too worried. There won't be any QB controversy between he and Brady. The media interns at Gillette Stadium will have to print more credentials for training camp. And the Patriots coaches and players will have more questions to answer without really answering. What team is better at defeating the media's attempts to excavate interesting stories and extract juicy quotes than the Patriots?

Bill Belichick vs. The Media. Who's the favorite in that battle?

This is a huge story for a #3 quarterback who might play special-teams and goal-line situations. This is a potential minor improvement to the Patriots roster with a player who has garnered far too much attention, praise, and hatred for who and what he has done. The Tim Tebow story is a feedback loop. The media is making a circus of it because it is a media circus. This is a story about a story.

If you're like me and emotionally upset about this, I'm going to quote The Book of Rob:

"This isn't the end of the world."
-Rob 3:16

Insert Pun With the Word "Sweep" in It

For the second time in three years the Bruins are going to the Stanley Cup Finals. And I still cannot believe how they got there, by sweeping the top-seeded Pittsburgh Penguins.

Tuukka Rask and the Bruins only allowed the Penguins to score 2 goals. This was a team that scored 3.4 goals per game in the regular season, and had been scoring 4.3 goals per game in the playoffs. Then they scored 2 goals in 4 games.

The Penguins' power play had a 28.3% success rate in the playoffs before this series. The Bruins successfully killed all 15 penalties in this series.

Sidney Crosby scored 3 goals in Pittsburgh's series with the Islanders, then 4 more against Ottawa. He had 15 postseason points before this series. He finished the series with 15 postseason points. He was -2 with 13 shots on goal.

Evgeni Malkin had 16 postseason points before facing the Bruins. He still has 16. He was -5 in the series, with 21 shots on goal, all saved by Rask. He only managed to get 1 shot off in Game 4.

Rask and Zdeno Chara shut down the Penguins. They absolutely and completely silenced Pittsburgh's big guns, their medium guns, and their little guns. Iginla had 0 points and was -4. Letang had 0 points and was -5. Morrow disappeared with his 0 points and only 1 shot on goal. James Neal took 20 shots but had no points and was -7.

Iginla decided not to end his season in Boston, but that's exactly what happened.

Chara's stats don't tell the full story. He had 0 points, but was +5. He played 119 minutes. That's 2 hours of hockey against Crosby, Malkin, and the best offense in the NHL. And he was +5.

Now the most impressive statline, that of Tuukka Rask...

275 minutes and 19 seconds in net, 2 goals allowed, 136 shots faced, 134 saves, 2 shutouts. That's a .985 save percentage. That's 1 goal allowed every 67 shots. His GAA was 0.44. That's absurd. Less than half a goal every 60 minutes. In the playoffs Rask has a .943 save percentage, and a GAA of 1.75. And since Game 4 against the Rangers when he allowed a few soft goals past him, he's only allowed 3 goals in 5 games.

He's officially a contender for the Conn Smythe. Depending on what happens in the next round.

It looks like the Bruins will face Chicago in the first Original Six Stanley Cup Final since 1979.

I can't wait.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Charles Krupa

Keep Calm and Win the Fucking Game

So much to say about this game. To make a long, long story short: the Bruins played their worst 3 periods of the series then played 2 of their best. Tuukka Rask bailed them out 53 times. Vokoun and Rask dueled in the overtime. Jaromir Jagr kept making good plays and eventually the plays Jagr started were finished by Brad Marchand and Patrice Bergeron.

Now let's get into details. For most of this game I was getting angrier and angrier at the Bruins. They scored early thanks to a Pittsburgh mistake in coverage, then played the type of hockey that has allowed opponents to come from behind against them all season long. For one stretch in the 2nd they were outshot 10-2. In the 3rd they were outshot 14-4. Pittsburgh had 8 scoring chances in the 3rd, the Bruins had 0.

The B's weren't dumping the puck on offense. They were trying to carry it in, then screwing around in the middle of the ice in the offensive end, instead of keeping the puck along the boards and trying to win battles. On the power play this inept strategy was exposed even more acutely. There were also a handful of neutral-zone turnovers that the Bruins simply didn't make in Games 1 and 2. Also some dumb, inexcusable penalties. All this gave Pittsburgh great chances to score. Rask was the reason Pittsburgh didn't score.

This was Rask's stand-on-your-head, become-a-Conn-Smythe-contender, where-legends-are-made performance. He was unflappable. The only goal he allowed, no human goalie could save. 53 saves on 54 shots. In this series he's stopped 108 of 110 shots (.981 SV%), and only allowed 2 goals in about 11 periods of play (0.56 GAA in this series), all against the highest scoring offense in the NHL. Such a high level of goaltending against such high level of scorers sounds eerily similar to what Tim Thomas did against the Vancouver Canucks in 2011.

Bergeron won the game in a fraction of seconds. Rask's play for 95 minutes allowed Bergeron to win it.

Some honorable mentions to some Bruins' defensemen. Zdeno Chara played 42:05, all of it great. In the 2nd regulation period he broke up a golden scoring opportunity that Evgeni Malkin would have had. It was a play only he and his vast reach could have made.

Andrew Ference logged almost 35 minutes of ice-time. He played his solid, physical brand of hockey. He left a few marks on a few Penguins.

Johnny Boychuk led the Bruins with 5 blocked shots, 2 of which came in double-overtime when Pittsburgh mounted a major scoring threat.

Dennis Seidenberg didn't have a bad game, but did make some weak/unwise passes trying to move the puck out of the defensive zone. This led to longer Pittsburgh possessions, more shots, more chances, more anxiety from me. However, he sharpened up in overtime.

All of the Bruins seemed to elevate their games in the overtime. Milan Lucic skated hard, Jagr looked half his age, Horton created a few chances for himself, even the faceoffs seemed to even out.

One player we didn't see in overtime was Gregory Campbell, who blocked a shot with his femur, then gutted out the remainder of the shift, doing what he could as a stationary obstacle. That determination energized the Bruins for the next 4 or 5 shifts. That's what you can't see on paper when you look at a roster. That's what you can't count on when all you do is assemble talented all-stars like Pittsburgh. This group of players in Boston have been together for a long time. They play for each other and for the team. And newcomers like Jagr and Krug see that, want to be a part of it, and if they buy into it they're accepted.

I don't know if Pittsburgh has that. Are Crosby and Malkin leaders? How does their leadership stack up against Chara or Bergeron? Or Ference? Or Campbell? Or Thornton? Does Pittsburgh have the same camaraderie in their rank and file? Chemistry counts.

Game 4 is Friday night. A sweep would be fantastic for so many reasons. Crosby, Iginla, and of course Cooke would all end their season in Boston. It would be glorious. Let's hope.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Elise Amendola

Stanley Cup Roundup*

I really hope the Bruins were watching last night's Hawks/Kings game. I'm sure they were. Because even though the Bruins have a 2-0 series lead, even though they outscored Pittsburgh 9-1 in those two games, even though the Penguins look lost and confused, the score of Game 3 is 0-0. Chicago dominated Game 2 of their series, just as the Bruins did, then went to LA and lost. Just because Pittsburgh looks uncomfortable doesn't mean the Bruins can afford to get comfortable.

The Kings somewhat remind me of the Bruins. They've built their team around goaltending and defense. They also get offense from that defense. Last night Slava Voynov had a goal and an assist. He's scored 5 from the blue-line for LA in these playoffs and has 11 points. That's the most goals for a defenseman (tied with Boychuk), and most points (tied with Chara).

LA is scary good and they're the ones 2-1 down in this series because Chicago is also scary good. The Blackhawks have so many weapons. Bryan Bickell scored his 7th goal of the playoffs last night. Patrick Sharp has 8 goals, tied with Krejci for the most in the postseason. Marian Hossa has 6. And they still have Jonathan Toews, who only has 1 goal so far but is capable of so much more. And unlike Pittsburgh, Chicago's scorers aren't just tallying goals against the Islanders or Senators in a 6-2 blowout. Many of these goals have come in tight games and in crucial moments.

On paper, whoever wins the Western Conference will be the favorite to win the Cup. On paper.

Bruins Make Penguins Their Bitches-burgh

9-1. The Bruins have outscored the Penguins 9-1 in two games. Not even the most insanely optimistic, glue-huffing, delusional Bruins fan could have envisioned this. Game 1 was tighter than the 3-0 score suggested. Game 2, however, was an utter beatdown. The Penguins had no chance.

The Penguins are horrible at goal prevention. Their goalies suck. Their defensemen are not imposing at all. And their best forwards simply do not play defense. Crosby and Malkin are both -3.

Meanwhile, Rask has had his two best playoff games in this series. All 6 Bruins defensemen are doing an excellent job controlling the crease. Threatening pucks have drifted in and out of the blue paint with no Penguin able to get a stick on them because the Bruins are tying them up. And the Bruins forwards are all helping on defense.

I don't think the Bruins are playing a ridiculously physical series. It's just that the Penguins have no answer for the potential of physical play. Deryk Engelland against Milan Lucic? Really? And what "power" forward can match Chara?

And what does Crosby, their fearful leader, do? He flops like an NBA player. Actually, it's more like a Brazilian soccer player. Then after his dives he takes forever to get up off the ice. Then he skates to the nearest zebra and whines for 30 seconds.

This sense of entitlement, and this notion of expecting the game to play out a certain way is one of the reasons Pittsburgh is down 0-2. Maybe they got cocky after disposing of the Islanders and Senators, who were probably the 16th and 15th best teams in the playoffs, respectively. Now they're being challenged with talented forwards, intelligent defensemen, and a tough goalie. Things aren't going to plan and the Penguins don't know how to handle it.

Every group on the Bruins, from goalies, to defensemen, to forwards, is far and away the best group the Penguins have faced in this postseason. Rask is the best goalie they've faced. Chara-Seidenberg-Boychuk-McQuaid-Krug-Ference is the best group of defensemen. And from Krejci to Paille, these 12 forwards are the best the Penguins have faced.

On the flip-side, what Pittsburgh defensive pairing is going to go against the best line in hockey these days: the Krejci line? Who are Pittsburgh's shutdown d-men? Leading up to this series we were worried about matching up against the Crosby and Malkin lines. Who does Pittsburgh have to contend against the Krejci and Bergeron lines?

The Penguins have built a team to score goals, not prevent them. They're kind of like the 2007 Patriots or the 1995 Cleveland Indians. They can win with offense, but can't win any other way.

And they don't know how to win against an equal opponent. They do know how to whine.

This series is still young. The Bruins, hopefully, smell the blood in the water, and will strike at these wounded Penguins like a pack of hungry killer whales.

Game 3 Wednesday night in Boston.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar

Bruins Leave Penguins in Ruins

Before reveling in the Bruins' 3-0 victory over Pittsburgh, I must point out that the score doesn't do justice to how close this game was. Pittsburgh hit 3 posts, and one puck dribbled along the goal-line, kept out by flakes of snow, and perhaps the hockey gods, who are still cross at Matt Cooke for what he did to Marc Savard. And Erik Karlsson. And what he tried to do to Adam McQuaid.

What made Cooke's hit on McQuaid so dirty is what led up to it. This wasn't an instance of Cooke contesting with McQuaid, then McQuaid putting himself vulnerable, then Cooke deciding to finish his check anyway. Cooke was jousting with Krug. McQuaid, apparently unchallenged, went to the boards to get the puck. When McQuaid turned and made himself vulnerable, Cooke stopped playing Krug, and with a surge of energy he went after McQuaid's back, driving McQuaid, spinal column first, into the boards. Cooke was not going to touch McQuaid until McQuaid showed his numbers to Cooke. McQuaid's vulnerability is what attracted the vulture Cooke to hit him.

And the reaction of the Pittsburgh crowd demonstrates the kind of spoiled morons they have for fans down there.

Anyway, to the game. The Bruins did a few things that put them in position to win:

#1 Rask
Tuukka was great. He made a few tough saves. He didn't make saves tougher. He adapted his play to each situation. Sometimes he looked like a standard butterfly goalie, solid and predictable. Other times he flailed around like Dominek Hasek, keeping the puck out of the net with instinct and sheer will.

#2 No gifts
The B's did not have bad shifts. They didn't make bad turnovers in dangerous areas of the ice. Pittsburgh is good enough to generate their own offense, for the Bruins to win this series they can't afford to give the Penguins bonus opportunities.

#3 Neutral zone
The Penguins were almost never able to move the puck through the neutral zone without some minor disruption. This threw off their timing, and more importantly it frustrated them. They're used to skating through the zone unimpeded. This got under their skin more than anything, I think.

#4 First line play
Lucic, Krejci, and Horton find another gear in the playoffs. Lucic becomes a speed demon. Krejci becomes a tough along-the-boards grinder, and Horton becomes a smooth scorer. Horton has 4 multi-point games this postseason. He's also +17. Krejci is +14, leads the Stanley Cup Playoffs in points, and has the second most goals. Lucic is +11.

#5 Under their skin
Zdeno Chara is +9 in the playoffs. He goes against the best forwards the opposing teams have, and he's +9. And having to play against him every night pisses off even the best of players. In this game both Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby tried to get physical. That's way out of their element. And for Crosby against Chara, that's way out of his league. Chara would end Crosby. When Crosby was trying to antagonize Chara (and also elbowed Rask who had a great "wtf, mate? I'm a goalie" reaction) it reminded me of footage from protests in the Middle East, when unarmed civilians throw rocks at tanks. It's like really man? Do you really want this to get real? This is what Chara did to a guy who was 6' 6" and 238. Crosby is 5' 11" and 200.

Crosby, who is teammates with Matt Cooke, had this to say about the game's level of physicality:

"They're letting a lot go out there, and the more it gets like that, the more it’s going to escalate. You can only control and channel that stuff so much. You keep letting guys do that stuff, you’re just going to push the envelope. That’s something we obviously want to stay away from, but it’s kind of a natural thing when it gets like that."

What a whiny dink.

So this was a great win. Starting a series with a road win, it doesn't get any better than that.

All this being said, you can't rely on the posts all series long. You can't lean on your goalie and one line all series long. And I'm sure Pittsburgh will adjust and adapt to what the Bruins are doing to them in the neutral zone.

There were also a lot of "zero tolerance interference" penalties called. This favors Pittsburgh, who have the best PP units the Bruins have faced, and also have an aggressive PK group. The fewer penalties, the better.

Game 2 is tonight. A win would be titanic. A loss wouldn't be the end of the world. The Bruins are playing with house money, which has sometimes been when they play their worst. This is a chance, however, to really get in the driver's seat of this series.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar

Is Rob Gronkowski the Patriots' Mickey Mantle?

When I heard that Rob Gronkowski needed yet another surgery, this time for his back, I asked myself "Is Gronkowski going to be the Mickey Mantle of the Patriots? A guy who partied a lot then got injured a lot?" The Gronkowski narrative is starting to sound very similar. I can already hear the amateur M.D.s out there offering their unsolicited prognoses and medical advice. "If Grawnk pahtied less, if he was more sobah, we'd have two more Supahbowl rings."

The Patriots were able to draft Gronkowski because of his injuries. He fell to the 2nd round because he missed the 2009 season with a back injury. So maybe he is just injury prone. As amazingly as he's played, he's continued to get injured. And more alarmingly, get re-injured very easily. It seems to be a mixed bag with Gronkowski. Outstanding production when healthy, and long periods of absence due to injury.

Meanwhile, the internet feeds us pictures of Gronk partying with college coeds, holding a cocktail, with that big dumb grin on his face. We see videos of him dancing on broken bones. We see him hanging out with "adult actresses." We see these things as we read stories about him needing multiple surgeries, and people out there put 2 and 2 together and get 7. Even those of us who don't jump to such conclusions can't help but wonder that maybe if Gronk's social life weren't so amazingly awesome, his football life would be less riddled with injury.

Maybe there's something to that. I don't know. I'm no doctor. I also know that pictures and videos from social media can create a false impression. If all we see of Gronk is partying, then we think he parties all the time. We see him with two college girls, holding a drink, and we think he must be getting hammered and then hammering the girls. But it's just a picture.

And you know what, folks, most of these athletes live life like Gronk does. They're young, in shape, rich, and famous. Almost every girl is available to them. At all times. Most athletes Gronk's age have a very similar lifestyle.

One difference between Gronk and other athletes is he doesn't insulate himself. It seems like he'll party with anyone, take a picture with anyone. He doesn't just surround himself with a posse and sit in the VIP all night. He does that sometimes, but most of the pictures we see of him partying are out with the public. And he's the center of attention. And he loves it. I don't think he's capable of saying "no" if someone wants to take a picture with him.

Athletes partying is nothing new. Read stories about the Bruins running around town in the 70s. Imagine if there had been Instagram or Twitter when Bobby Orr and his teammates, dressed as doctors, broke into a hospital and carried an injured Phil Esposito (and his bed) to a nearby bar and drank all night. I have not seen any pictures or videos of Gronkowski that are as insane as that story.

And do you think Ted Williams, Bobby Doerr, and Johnny Pesky ("The Teammates") spent all their free time fishing and discussing the science of hitting?

If there had been TwitPic when Babe Ruth was downing hot dogs by the dozen, drinking gallons of beer, and neglecting his wife and children, we might not adore him so much 90 years later. I can't even imagine what Ty Cobb would tweet about. #Racist. Athletes haven't changed much. Social media has simply exposed more people to what some athletes do off the field.

Then there's Mickey Mantle, who was plagued with injury his entire career. Mickey might have been healthier if he hadn't drank so much. That same narrative is starting to be applied to Gronkowski.

And maybe the same is true for Gronk. Maybe if he lived the Tebow life he wouldn't get hurt so easily.

I think that's an overly simplistic theory, though, that is based on speculation and not fact. It's not a complete argument.

Gronk parties
Gronk gets hurt
Therefore, if Gronk didn't party, he wouldn't get hurt

I think he's just prone to injuries and always has been. Some athletes are. He has a big awkward frame and he takes some serious hits all season long. There are athletes that live harder than he does and remain healthy. There are athletes that live calmer than he does and get injured. Does Danny Amendola have a drinking problem because he's regularly hurt? Was Wes Welker a choir boy because he rarely missed games and recovered quickly?

Gronk's injuries are a problem, both for him and for the Patriots. I kind of want him to be benched until Week 10. Save him for the postseason, with a few weeks beforehand to get into the groove of the game. That's kind of silly, though. And he might get injured anyway. And he would have a longer off-season to drink more and have more sex. Which, according to the amateur M.D.s of New England, would probably give him leprosy.

Why I Hate the Pittsburgh Penguins

I can't wait for this series to get started. I'm happy the Bruins have a chance to rest, but I'm getting sick of trying to watch Red Sox games on NESN and turning them off because Don and Jerry are blabbering on and on about hotel lobbies and the struggle to hail taxis after a game. I just want this series to start. I feel like Cartman waiting for the Nintendo Wii to come out.

I can't wait because I hate the Penguins. Sometimes I forget how much I hate them, because the Bruins don't play them as often as Montreal. But my hatred for the Penguins is almost at the same level as my hatred for the Habs. And here's why:

#1 Matt Fucking Cooke
Every time I see this guy on the ice, I think of Marc Savard suffering post concussion syndrome and not being able to get back on the ice because of Cooke. Cooke gets to play, Savard gets to deal with depression. Cooke is just a dirty player. And not the good kind of dirty. He's a scumbag. He's pus. He lives on making dangerous hits when players are at their most vulnerable and least able to defend themselves. He preys on his fellow players. I hope he gets raped by lions. Lions have barbed penises. All cats do.

#2 Mario Lemiuex's Hypocrisy
Lemiuex employs Matt Cooke and was teammates with Ulf Samuelsson. Yet the Penguins owner often complains about dirty players that shortened his career. And when one of the Penguins star players is on the receiving end of a headshot, Lemieux gets very vocal. Then he signs Matt Cooke's paycheck. He employs what he claims to hate about the game.

#3 The Aura of Crosby
Sidney Crosby is certainly the best player in the game. Bar none. But he's also a whiner. And a bit of a flopper. If I were Canadian or in Canada, I would be arrested for speaking unfavorably of him. Because in Canada it's against the law to not love and praise him. And in some western provinces Crosby has the noble right of prima nocta. As a result, TV commentators will drool on their microphones as they drone about how spectacular he is, and referees will call penalties for just thinking about touching him.

#4 Pittsburgh, PA
The Penguins play in Pittsburgh. Where the Steelers play. Do we really want Steelers fans to be happy? And the entire Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is kind of my nemesis. Very little good has come out of that state, except Yuengling. I love Yuengling. Even just typing it tastes delicious.

#5 It's Personal
My freshman year in college, I was really starting to like this one girl. She was pretty, smart, always had a great smile on her face, nice, you always felt like you could be yourself around her, and she had a fantastic body. As I was falling for her she fell for a Penguins fan and they went out for the next 3+ years. She even became a Penguins fan with him. And although they're no longer together, she's still a Penguins fan. I can't help but feel that had I been better, and had this Penguins fan not come along, maybe today she'd be a Bruins fan.

#6 Iginla
Marian Hossa once kind of did to the Penguins what Iginla did this season, trying to choose a winner instead of trying to win where he was (or for Iginla, where he was going to be sent). Hossa left Pittsburgh for Detroit to win a Cup. The next year Pittsburgh won a Cup. I don't like what Iginla did to the Bruins. It's like we asked him out, he said yes, and then he was asked by the class douchebag who drives his father's Mercedes and Iginla said yes and ditched us. I want Iginla to feel like Hossa did in 2009, watching the team he could have played for skate around with the Cup. I do not want Iginla to feel like Hossa in 2010, when he won the Cup with Chicago.

#7 The LeBron Factor
The Penguins are like the Miami Heat of the NHL. They're too stacked. Players go there because they know it's their best chance to win. I guess Detroit was like that for a few years. And if the Bruins win another Cup maybe they'll be like that too. It's just an uncompelling story when the best players decide to go to one team and win it all. It's impossible to root for them.

Unless you have a mouthful of Crosby.