Friday, January 09, 2015

Patriots-Ravens Drinking Game: Divisional Round Edition

Saturday night. It will be cold. The game will be on. What else is there to do but sit by the fireplace, watch the Pats take on the Ravens, and get hammered? Drink your face off while everyone at Gillette freezes their asses off. Here's a drinking game to play while the Patriots play the Ravens:

Boston Blood Sox is not responsible for the illness, hospitalization, and death you will inevitably experience if you play this game.

Anytime a commentator says...
"We're on to..." = 1 drink from a beer
"Cincinnati" = 1 drink
"Frosty," "frigid," or anything cold related = 1 drink
The temperature = drink for as many seconds as there are degrees out
"Wind chill" = 1 shot of liquor
"Saturday" = 1 drink
"Night" = 1 drink
"Football" = 1 drink
"Round" = 1 drink
"Brady" = 1 drink
"Contract" = 1 drink
"Terrell" or "Darrelle" = 1 drink
"Jones" = 1 drink
"Smith" = 1 drink
"Hoomanawanui" or any variation = 1 drink
Any name that ends in "-ski" = 1 drink
"Offensive line" = 1 drink
"Issues" = 1 drink
"Panic" = 1 drink
Something about the Patriots' early season struggles = 1 drink
Something about Joe Flacco's playoff record = 1 drink
The other commentator's name = 1 drink
Something about Edgar Allen Poe (Poe is on screen) = 1 drink, 1 shot (bonus points for drinking Amontillado)

Anytime this happens...
Penalty flag thrown = 1 drink
Penalty against Brandon Browner = 1 shot
Penalty flag picked up = finish your beer and say "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
Josh McDaniels calls a cute play = 1 drink
The play actually works = 1 shot
Tom Brady points out the "mike" = 1 drink (bonus points for drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, and you can command anyone else to finish their drink, but if drinking alone you must finish yours)
Brady says "Alpha Milk" = 1 drink (bonus points for drinking a White Russian, same authority as above)
Brady says any word beginning in F = 1 drink
Brady says any word ending in -uck = 1 drink
The Patriots go no huddle = 1 drink per snap
You want the Patriots to go no huddle but they're not = drink the entire time between snaps
Rob Gronkowski spikes the ball = finish your beer, then spike the empty to the ground (bonus points for glass bottles)
Danny Amendola catches a pass = an entire beer
Amendola celebrates another player's big play = 1 drink
You're worried that Julian Edelman is hurt = 1 drink
Edelman drops a pass = 1 drink
You're worried that Gronk is hurt = 1 drink
Gronk manhandles a Raven = 1 drink
Gronk manhandles a teammate = 1 drink
Gronk actually is hurt = finish your beer, drink a shot, then finish another beer, then go outside and cry
Brady gets hurried = 1 drink
Brady gets hit = 1 drink, 1 shot
Brady gets sacked = 1 drink, 1 shot, snort a line of painkillers
Vince Wilfork makes a big play = 1 drink
Jamie Collins or Chandler Jones make a big play = 1 drink
Wilfork forces and/or recovers a turnover = 1 drink, 1 shot
Wilfork scores a touchdown = 1 drink, 1 shot, devour a turkey leg
The Patriots block a kick/punt = finish your beer
Matthew Slater makes a special teams tackle = 1 drink
Touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff return = drink for the entire return

Anytime this is on screen...
Highlights of previous Patriots-Ravens playoff games = drink for the duration of the highlight
A graphic of previous playoff meetings = same rule, drink until it's off the screen
A thermometer = 1 drink, and the last person to take their drink has to stand outside for a minute
Ray Lewis (live or in highlights) = finish your beer, give an inspirational speech
Brady yelling = 1 drink
Belichick scowling = 1 drink
Jonas Gray standing on the sidelines = 1 drink
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Kraft talking to someone = drink the entire time Kraft is talking
People ice skating or doing wintry things = go outside and stay outside until you finish your beer
Pedro Martinez = drink for 45 seconds
An Harbaugh = 1 drink
An angry Harbaugh = 1 shot
A replay of a ball maybe crossing a line, but since there's no sensors in the ball, these almost always incolcusive replays eat huge chunks of our lives = 1 drink per camera shot/angle, plus 1 shot if they zoom in on the ball
An actual raven = drop some molly, play with glowsticks (like a rave, get it?, bonus points if wearing a Welker jersey)
The words "Do your job" = do your job and finish your beer, and then whoever gets to the fridge first to get beers for everyone, gets to be Belichick and order people around until the next time Belichick is on screen.

Enjoy the game, and remember to get lubed up responsibly. And by that I mean designate a sober person to call 911 for you and contact your next of kin.

No comments:

Post a Comment