The Ravens Win

I found myself confused at the end of this game. Initially, I wanted the 49ers won win, because I didn't want Ray Lewis or Joe Flacco to achieve any further glory. But then, as the 49ers played the first half from a Foxhole, I lost all respect for them. So I was forced to choose between a team I didn't like, and a team I didn't respect.

The Ravens won, and they deserved it. It's remarkable how one brother could be so much more aggressive than the other. Sigmund Freud would have a field day.

One thing the Ravens had on offense that the Patriots didn't was a strong receiver. Rob Gronkowski was out. And the Patriots' WR corps was small and not as physical as Baltimore's DBs. Meanwhile, Baltimore's receivers outmatched the Patriots' safeties.

Imagine what would happen if Anquan Boldin were on the Patriots roster. How much would Brady rely on him? How many receptions, how many TDs would he haul in? The Patriots could really use a large WR that can win battles in difficult situations.

Baltimore deserved this. As much as we can mock Ray Lewis for consuming deer antler velvet like some drunken and lonely Mainer, just about everyone in the NFL is on PEDs. So let he who supports a team without sin cast the first stone.

The Ravens played a game of football. The 49ers tried to play the Super Bowl. And in doing so they failed. The 49ers were conservative, tight, nervous, locked-up, not aggressive. They dug their foxholes from kickoff to the final whistle. And that's why they lost. The Ravens played football, and played it well.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Marcio Sanchez

Super Bowl Drinking Game

It's finally here. The biggest game of the year. And here's a drinking game you can play while trying to explain pass interference to all the non-football fans in the room, and trying to sort through all the squares you have in your degenerate gambler pools. So drink up and enjoy the game.

Anytime you hear the words...
"Harbaugh" = 1 drink from a beer
"Brothers" = 1 drink
"Harbowl" = 1 drink
"Big Easy" = 1 shot of bourbon
"180 countries" = 1 drink
"Ray Lewis" = 1 sip of beer (any more than a sip and you'd probably die of alcohol poisoning)
"Ray Lewis" and "murder" in the same sentence = 52 whole beers, because it won't happen
"Antler" = 1 drink
"Deer" = 1 drink
"Controversy" = 1 drink
"Retire" = 1 drink
"Miami" = 1 drink (lots of players from the U in this game)
"Playmaker" or anything about how exciting Colin Kaepernick is = drink for 7 seconds
"Chris Culliver" = 1 drink
"Apology" = 1 drink
"Media day" = 1 drink
"Art Modell" = 1 drink
"Baltimore Colts" = 1 drink
"Cleveland Browns" = 1 drink


Anytime this is on screen...
Roman numerals = 1 drink per numeral
Anything New Orleansy = 1 drink
A bllimp shot of a dome = 1 drink
Alex Smith on a bench = 1 drink
Alex Smith wearing a baseball hat = 1 drink
Jerry Rice's stats = 1 drink
Joe Montana = drink for 16 seconds
Steve Young = drink for 8 seconds
Brian Billick = 1 drink
Ray Lewis screaming = 1 drink
Ray Lewis crying = 1 drink
Ray Lewis praying = 1 drink
A Bible verse = drink for as many seconds as the chapter (so John 3:16 would be 3 seconds)
A promo for what's on after the Super Bowl = 1 drink
Roger Goodell = 1 drink
Jonathan Vilma = 1 drink
Goodell and Vilma hugging = drink a quart of tequila, because it won't happen


Anytime this happens...
It's mentioned that the 49ers let the Ravens use their practice facility = 1 drink
Colin Kaepernick runs for a 1st down = 1 drink
Kaepernick kisses his arms = 1 drink
A Raven leads with their helmet = 1 drink
Bernard Pollard injures someone = 1 drink
Bernard Pollard injures a Patriot = 1 drink (it could happen)
Beyonce does that authoratitive walk with her hips = 1 drink
You actually watch the halftime because of Beyonce = 1 whole beer per song
You pretend to accidentally change the channel to Puppy Bowl = 1 drink
Boring car commercial = 1 drink
Commercial that tries really hard to be funny but isn't at all = 1 drink
You hold in a piss = 1 drink per play (or commercial) that you hold it in
You temporarily root against the team you actually want to win so you can win a square = 1 drink