Peyton Manning's Diary: ouch my leg, ouch my heart

Dear Diary,
It happened again. Me and my team were played off again (Coach Tony taught me to call it that instead of that E-word that kind of rhymes with laminated). It's the ninth time that the NFL hasn't let me play more than one playoff game. I don't think that's fair.

It's not my fault either. Everyone says so. From Coach Fox (haha, sorry, every time I think of Coach Fox, I think of that "What Does the Fox Say" song, ding ding ding da ding da ding da ding), to Mr. Elway, to Coach Tony. I don't think it's my fault. My leg hurts. Trainer Steve and Doctor Martin say my quad is torn. I asked them which of my quads, my first, my second, my third, or my fourth. They told me I had 2. That doesn't make sense. I learned in school that quad means 4. So not only do I have a torn quad, I only have half the quads I should have.

I hurt it a few weeks ago. But we wanted to keep it a secret. When I saw Aaron Rodgers getting carted around like a cripple a few weeks ago, I called Mr. Elway and asked him why we didn't do that. He sighed, and said something about Aaron Rodgers and the Packers being drama queens and attention horses. I didn't get it. Our mascot is a horse, Green Bay's isn't. Their mascot is... well, I don't know what. And drama queens are actresses who play queens in movies and plays. Mr. Elway says lots of things I don't understand.

When I played with Coach Tony and the Colts, whenever I got hurt, we'd go out and get extra pizza after our normal post-game pizza party. It would be just me and Coach Tony. And if I hurt my leg, Jeff Saturday would carry me to the pizza place. The Broncos promised in my contract to do the same thing. But Mr. Elway and Coach Fox (lol, ding ding ding...) said that we should keep it a secret. "Chuck E. Cheese won't tell anyone," I told them. But they didn't want anybody to know I was hurt.

I decided to keep my hurt leg a secret from myself. So when we decided what plays to try, I chose plays we'd run if my leg was healthy. That way I wouldn't know I was hurt. And it would stay a secret.

Something was wrong though. I'd throw long passes to Emmanuel, and miss him. I couldn't figure out why, since I was still keeping my leg a secret from myself. So I threw long passes to Wes, to the two Tommies, to Emmanuel. If I had told my secret to myself, I would have been able to figure out why I wasn't able to throw to my teammates. Since I didn't, I wasn't.

Secrets can be bad. But you should always keep a secret. I kept the secret, even from myself. So I did the right thing, and that's why it wasn't my fault that we don't get to play anymore. Coach Tony always said that losing right is always better than winning wrong.

I asked Coach Tony the other day about all the secrets that mean Coach Belichick keeps. I asked if that makes Coach Belichick a good person. Coach Tony said not to worry, and that I would understand when I grow up.

I'm looking forward to playing football when it's warmer again. Summer football and football in fall is the best, because even if you lose, you get to play next week. I only wish I didn't have to go to cold places like Foxborough (this "fox" doesn't make me laugh) or loud places like Kansas City, where the people running the scoreboard make the people in the stands make noise.

I hate noise.

Next year should be fun with Coach Fox again. I think we will have a fun group of guys who will...

Oh my gosh, Diary! I was just watching a tape of people on ESPN talking about how great I am, and the ESPN people just said that Coach Fox is leaving!!!!

I don't know what to do. I need to call Coach Tony. Sorry, Diary. I hate to write and run, but this is just too much. I need to do something. What if they hire a mean coach. What if he's like mean Mr. Belichick?

Oh no, oh no, oh no!!!!!!

Hugs and kisses always, Diary. I'll miss you.

Your pal always,
Peyton

Peyton Manning's Diary: BRRRRRRRR/Happy Turkey Day!

Dear Diary,
I hate Foxborough! There aren't even any foxes! Just cold and wind and mean people. It's so hard to throw the ball when it's windy. I don't get it. Why don't they build a dome so it's easier to do things?

After writing to you, diary, I'm going to write a letter to the owner of the Broncos, asking for a roof on our stadium. And also to pressurize it like an airplane so there's exactly as much air as there was back in Indiana. In fact, I texted Coach Tony this morning, and he got a bunch of people in Indiana to go out with jars today and collect Indiana air. Then we can use that in the Mile High Dome. I hope they only get air from indoors, though.

Indiana gets cold too and they built a dome. I still don't get it.

Diary, give me a few minutes while I shake my head and smirk with frustration.






Okay I'm back. My cheeks hurt.

Anyway, Coach Tony called me the other day to make sure I was okay. I was okay once I heard his voice. Coach Tony told me that with Thanksgiving around the corner, instead of focusing on the loss to the Patriots, I should focus on what I'm thankful for. So I made a list.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for:

Balloons, both the animal kind and the non-animal kind.

Coach Tony

My family, especially Papa Bear who doesn't allow jewelry at the table so Eli can't ask me to pass the gravy and bang his rings on the table if I don't do it right away

John Elway

Hand warmers

Summer

Gravy

My agent

Gravy... again, lol

Crayons

Pizza, especially from Papa John's

Lucrative endorsement deals

That Bill Belichick isn't my coach. I know if I don't have anything nice to say I shouldn't say anything at all. But he just looks mean.

The Thanksgiving parade

All parades

My pals Eric and Wes

Cranberry sauce

Stuffing

Pumpkin pie (I'm hungry, lol)

Chores

Jeff Saturday

Artificial turf

Climate control

Ear muffs

The circus (but not clowns)

And last but not leas... you, Diary, I'm thankful for you. You're always there for me. You're like a dome for my heart.

Happy Turkey Day, Diary!

Peyton Manning's Diary: Pro Bowl Time!

Aloha, diary!

I love Hawaii. And I love the Pro Bowl. Hawaii is such a fun place, even though it's hard to spell. When me and all the other players got off the plane in Honolulu (what a fun word to say!), the guys started joking around with me. One of the pretty hula girls put those flower necklaces around my neck. J.J. Watt made everyone laugh when he said "Hey, Peyton finally got laid." I didn't get it, but I smiled. I like when people laugh with me. It makes me happy.

People like me. And that's fun.

The game was fun, too. Coach Fox came along. I like Coach Fox for two reasons:

#1: His name reminds me of Coach Hayden Fox from Coach. I loved that show. Especially Dauber. He was silly. I wanted to play football at Minnesota State, but Pa made me go to Tennessee.

#2: His name also reminds me of one of my favorite movies when I was a teenager: The Fox and the Hound.

Every day at practice, I sniff my way up to Coach Fox, then howl. I want him to say "I'm a fox!" He just shakes his head, though. Oh well!

I still like him. He's not as nice as Coach Tony, but he's still nice.

Some of my old friends were at the Pro Bowl. Reggie was there. And so was Jeff! And my little "bro" Eli!!!

They let Jeff snap the ball to me one last time. It was nice. It's nice when TV and the League do nice things for me. They like me.

I told my old joke to Jeff that I used to tell him when we played together, that since he plays football he should change his name to Sunday! We chuckled. Jeff used to carry me through airport terminals if the walk from the plane to the bus was too long.

We lost the game, but I'm used to losing the last game of the year. People still gave me all sorts of compliments. Like they usually do.

Jeff and I went out for pizza. We invited Reggie, but all he did was send us a text saying "I'm too old for Chuckie Cheese."

We had a Hawaiian pizza, but it was yucky. So we sent it back and got pepperoni! And Jeff let me have the last slice.

I miss Hawaii already.

Peyton Manning's Diary: Can't Wait for Pro Bowl

Dear Diary,
I'm upset! I don't get to play football anymore, not until the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. And I do like the trip to Hawaii, and enjoy my regular season accomplishments being appreciated, I just wish I got to play more football with my friends. I wish I could play football in Hawaii and New Orleans. But not Foxborough. It's too cold there! Brrrrrrrr!

This is just like college. We'd play a regular season, then a single game after the regular season, then things would be over. That's how it's been for most of my career in the NFL. This is the 8th time my season has ended after only one bonus game.

I want to keep playing football but I can't anymore. I need to rest and make time for commercials, and pizza. That's what Coach Tony always said in Indianapolis: losing early meant more time for pizza parties. I get more time to rest now. And more time to play Mario Kart!

I feel bad for people in Colorado. Last year they had a crappy quarterback and won a playoff game. This year they have me, a great quarterback, and we were outshined by Joe Flacco, who was the QB at Delaware.

I think one problem we had was that I'm too good at reading defenses. And I'm too good of a teammate. We had a 3rd and 7 play late in the game, and I changed the play (because I'm so smart) to a run. It was because of my superior analysis, along with being a phenomenal teammate willing to give the ball to someone else in pivotal situations. That's what cost us the game. I felt bad for Ronnie because he doesn't get to touch the ball much. That's why I let him have it five plays in a row.

I'm sure it was our kicker's fault too.

Kickers don't like me. Even Adam didn't invite me to his spaghetti and whine (who would want to whine after a football game that we'd won?) parties back in Indiana. He said it was because I couldn't handle the sauce. I'm not sure what that means. I love Prego. And I love Papa John's. I love tomato sauce!

Thankfully, most people on ESPN and in the national sports media keep my big secret, that I'm 9-11 in the playoffs, and have lost 8 times in my first playoff game. ESPN loves me, and will not talk about how much I dislike playoff games. Most media ignore how often my team gets beat in the playoffs. That's very nice of them. That's thanks to Coach Tony and the pizza parties he'd open up to the media back in Indiana.

Anyway, I'll be filming more commercials (some with my brother I hope). And I'll watch Coach Tony on TV with that mean old Rodney Harri-bum. Ha Ha Ha. Don't tell Coach Tony I used that word. He'd frown.

Thanks for listening, diary. I love you.

And see you in Hawaii, diary. Aloha!

-Peyton