Peyton Manning's Diary: Can't Wait for Pro Bowl

Dear Diary,
I'm upset! I don't get to play football anymore, not until the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. And I do like the trip to Hawaii, and enjoy my regular season accomplishments being appreciated, I just wish I got to play more football with my friends. I wish I could play football in Hawaii and New Orleans. But not Foxborough. It's too cold there! Brrrrrrrr!

This is just like college. We'd play a regular season, then a single game after the regular season, then things would be over. That's how it's been for most of my career in the NFL. This is the 8th time my season has ended after only one bonus game.

I want to keep playing football but I can't anymore. I need to rest and make time for commercials, and pizza. That's what Coach Tony always said in Indianapolis: losing early meant more time for pizza parties. I get more time to rest now. And more time to play Mario Kart!

I feel bad for people in Colorado. Last year they had a crappy quarterback and won a playoff game. This year they have me, a great quarterback, and we were outshined by Joe Flacco, who was the QB at Delaware.

I think one problem we had was that I'm too good at reading defenses. And I'm too good of a teammate. We had a 3rd and 7 play late in the game, and I changed the play (because I'm so smart) to a run. It was because of my superior analysis, along with being a phenomenal teammate willing to give the ball to someone else in pivotal situations. That's what cost us the game. I felt bad for Ronnie because he doesn't get to touch the ball much. That's why I let him have it five plays in a row.

I'm sure it was our kicker's fault too.

Kickers don't like me. Even Adam didn't invite me to his spaghetti and whine (who would want to whine after a football game that we'd won?) parties back in Indiana. He said it was because I couldn't handle the sauce. I'm not sure what that means. I love Prego. And I love Papa John's. I love tomato sauce!

Thankfully, most people on ESPN and in the national sports media keep my big secret, that I'm 9-11 in the playoffs, and have lost 8 times in my first playoff game. ESPN loves me, and will not talk about how much I dislike playoff games. Most media ignore how often my team gets beat in the playoffs. That's very nice of them. That's thanks to Coach Tony and the pizza parties he'd open up to the media back in Indiana.

Anyway, I'll be filming more commercials (some with my brother I hope). And I'll watch Coach Tony on TV with that mean old Rodney Harri-bum. Ha Ha Ha. Don't tell Coach Tony I used that word. He'd frown.

Thanks for listening, diary. I love you.

And see you in Hawaii, diary. Aloha!

-Peyton

Patriots in Final Four

Chew on these facts for a few moments. Enjoy their taste, let them digest, and fill your stomach with joy...

This is the 7th time in the Brady/Belichick era that the Patriots have made the AFC Championship game. 7 times in 12 years the Patriots have made the NFL's Final Four. And one of those years was 2008, when Brady hardly played a game.

This was Tom Brady's 17th playoff win as a starter. An NFL record.

Over the last 10 years, the Patriots are 100 games above .500 (140-40). So over that span they've averaged 14 wins per season (postseason and regular included), and 10 more wins than losses. Every season. That's absurd.

Now it's time to tone down the optimism and ground ourselves. The Patriots will be facing the Ravens, who beat the Patriots this season. The Pats will be without Rob Gronkowski. And 3 of the Pats' 4 losses this season have come against teams named after birds.

And quite frankly, the Ravens are on a mission. They've won two playoff games already. They are the ONLY team in the NFL to win 2 playoff games. Let that fact sink in for a moment.

Only two teams won road playoff games and Baltimore is one of them. Only one road team won in the Divisional Round, and it was Baltimore. Last year Baltimore came up here in the AFC title game, and now they have a better kicker.

We are spoiled by the elite up here. We expect this team to make the AFC Championship game every year, and they deliver more than 50% of the time. And we expect them to win AFC titles at home. Which they haven't failed to deliver in the reign of Belichick and Brady.

A week from now we may be anticipating yet another Super Bowl. A week from now we may be analyzing a playoff exit, and critiquing players and coaches for mistakes and shortcomings.

But overall, if you take a step back and absorb the last 12 years as a whole, it's absolutely fucking amazing what this team does. Belichick and Brady just win.

Patriots host the Ravens Sunday evening. I can't wait.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo

Patriots-Texans Drinking Game: Playoff Edition

It's the playoffs, and a rematch of a Drinking Game we had a few weeks ago. But that was dominated by the ever annoying Jon Gruden. So here's a new drinking game.

Anytime a commentator says...
"Foxhole" = 1 drink from a beer
"Bulletin board material" = 1 drink
"Swat" = 1 drink
"SWAT team" = 1 drink from a beer, 1 shot
"Biggest game in Texans history" = drink entire beer
"Belichick era" = 1 drink
"Brady era" = 1 drink


Anytime this is on the screen...
Highlights from Week 14 = drink during highlights
Rob Gronkowski's cast or brace = 1 drink
Iso replay of Aqib Talib covering Andre Johnson = drink during the entire replay
Iso replay of Wes Welker being covered = drink during the entire replay
Wade Phillips = 1 drink
J.J. Watt swatting a ball = 1 drink
Watt sitting on a bench = 1 drink
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Bob Kraft talking to someone = drink beer the entire time he's talking


Anytime this happens...
Wade Phillips's remarks about Welker are mentioned = 1 drink
Dan Shaughnessy's remarks about the Texans are mentioned = 1 drink
The Texans run the ball on 2nd & 5+ = 1 drink
The Texans go play-action = 1 drink
Tom Brady yells "Aplha Milk" = 1 drink of eggnog or a White Russian
Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink (or 3 drinks from Mike's Hard Lemonade for bonus points)
Patriots get a 1st down = 1 drink
Patriots go no-huddle = 1 drink per snap
Patriots allow 10+ yard run play = 1 drink
Patriots force a turnover = 1 shot
Vince Wilfork forces or recovers a turnover = 1 whole beer, 1 shot
Wilfork returns a turnover for a TD = 1 whole beer, 1 shot, 1 pound of Texas beef
Kickoff touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff return = drink during the entire return


Get lubed up responsibly.

BBWAA Covers PED Story 15 Years Late

Firstly, how stupid is it to have an envelope-opening-ceremony when you know the envelope is empty? That was baseball at its most baseballiness yesterday. Just have a press conference and be done with it.

Now to the meat of the discussion. No player was voted into the Hall of Fame by the pompous BBWAA (Baseball Writers' Association of America). A slugger with 762 HRs, 514 steals, and 7 MVPs received 36.2% of the vote. A pitcher with 354 wins and 7 Cy Youngs received only 38.8% Why? Because of PEDs.

I hate Barry Bonds. And I can't wait to DVR Roger Clemens's funeral so I can watch it again and again, and have a chuckle anytime I want. But these guys were never caught, never convicted, and they were damn good players even before the likely start of their PED cycles. Bonds won the MVP 3 times from 1990 to 1993. Clemens won 3 of his Cy Youngs in Boston.

But no, in this issue full of grey area and complex questions, the BBWAA has taken a simple black and white stance. Suspicion=guilt. Even being surrounded by suspicious players means you're guilty. However the BBWAA isn't looking for justice. They simply want to punish the players who threatened the illusion that baseball is something special, something pure. This is about vengeance.

Documentarian Ken Burns made some remarks that clearly demonstrate the punitive attitudes of those who voted against Bonds and Clemens:

"We know some pitchers extended their playing careers, we know some people hit the ball farther... those motherfuckers should suffer for a while."

Yes, Ken Burns actually said that.

Suffer? Motherfuckers? These sound like the words of someone being interviewed outside a Court House, after some thugs were convicted of murdering his children. I can picture Samuel L. Jackson saying this, not Ken Burns.

He and the BBWAA have no right to mount such high horses. They were all complicit in the steroid era, particularly the BBWAA. The writers, whose job it is to find stories and write about them, somehow missed the biggest story in sports for well over a decade. They followed every movement of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, and later Barry Bonds, and yet found nothing suspicious? They did no digging, they didn't look for anything to make Big Mac and Sosa look bad.

And when people did speculate or point out the rapid increase in homeruns, they were dismissed as cynics. And then writers talked about how tightly wound the ball was, and how that was making them fly out of the park at absurd rates. And the reason biceps were bursting was due to modern weight-training techniques and protein shakes. Every theory except for illegal PEDs was used to explain the ridiculous amount of homeruns being hit.

The BBWAA was willfully negligent, and they missed the story. Now, since they couldn't punish these players with words, they're punishing them with votes.

Well it's too late. What's done is done. You let this happen. So did the owners, so did MLB, so did the MLBPA, so did the fans. We all let this happen, and we enjoyed it. And it can't be erased. Just like segregation can't be erased. Or the reserve-clause era before free agency. Or the cocaine-era.

A friend of mine pointed out that the Hall of Fame is primarily a museum of the game's history. The writers want to rewrite the history (which they initially did not write about), and that's just wrong. The BBWAA should vote for people they don't like, vote for sluggers with muscles throbbing with HGH, vote for pitchers who extended their careers. It might hurt the BBWAA to do so, but to quote Ken Burns, those motherfuckers should suffer for a while.

Why I Hate Notre Dame

I hate Notre Dame. I hate the school, the team, the alumni, the lack of football conference affiliation, the logo, and just about everything that has anything to do with Notre Dame. Except Rudy. That movie gets me weepy every time. But apart from that, I despise everything related to Notre Dame.

Why? Because I'm Irish. I hate the notion that because one's family is of Irish descent, they should like some random football team in South Bend, Indiana. Why should Irish-Americans give their sporting allegiance to some school that has nothing to do with them? Just because their mascot is a racist caricature of a drunken, brawling, simian Irishman?

Why else should I hate Notre Dame? Well it's pretentious in sports. The whole "independent" thing rubs me the wrong way. Why not join a league and be part of a larger community? Or is Notre Dame too good, too superior to lower itself by joining a league?

I hate the fact that seemingly 20% of the population of New England wear Notre Dame hats and t-shirts, because it's an expression of Irishness. It's not. Drinking heavily is an expression of Irishness. Writing groundbreaking novels is an expression of Irishness. Being enraged at Great Britain is an expression of Irishness. The "Fighting Irish" football team has as much to do with Irishness as a drinking a cup of French Roast coffee while driving a Fiat.

And finally, this is a pet peeve of mine, but Notre Dame Stadium's sidelines are overly crowded with people. The sidelines are packed with different cheer groups, as well as fans, and people getting in the way of the players on the field. It's dangerous. But Notre Dame doesn't care. They're going to do things the Notre Dame way.

So I'm especially pleased that Alabama throttled Notre Dame. Crimson defeated Gold. Put the echoes to sleep. And so on. Roll Tide.

NHL Unlocked

Thanks to Federal mediator Scot L. Beckenbaugh, the NHL and NHLPA were able to reach a tentative deal that will end the Lockout. It's very unfortunate that some obscure mediator did more to get hockey back than NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and NHLPA honcho Donald Fehr.

The good news is that hockey is back. There's enough time to play an abbreviated schedule, probably around 48 games. And frankly, the 82 game regular season was too long anyway. A 48 game schedule could make for more exciting and more meaningful games.

The other piece of good news is that the CBA will last for 10 years. So we won't have our next significant work stoppage until the 2022-23 season.

I'm excited hockey is back. Especially with the end of football season around the corner. February would have really sucked without hockey.

However, the root problems that plague the NHL remain. There are too many teams in markets that don't care about hockey and therefore don't generate enough revenue to keep pace with the big teams in profitable markets. That was the root cause behind the owners' demand that players get paid less, even as overall revenues have increased. Teams in struggling markets couldn't spend at the pace of the teams doing well, like the Bruins or Rangers. And the owners of those big market teams didn't want to share more of their own revenues.

The problem that instigated this Lockout still remain. The CBA is like a back brace for someone with a foot problem that results in back pain. It temporarily alleviates the symptoms, but does not address the cause.

The NHL has other problems as well. There's extreme inconsistency and ambivalence when it comes to discipline. The ice-surface should also be widened.

The NHL also needs to keep the Stanley Cup Playoffs the same. And they need to release their players to play in the 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia.

I have quite a few issues with the NHL. But hockey is back. And flawed hockey is better than no hockey.

Pennsylvania Governor Suing NCAA

Governor Tom Corbett is suing the NCAA over the sanctions imposed on Penn State in the aftermath of the Jerry Sandusky scandal. Penn State was fined over $60 million, banned from postseason play for 4 years, and forced to reduce scholarships.

Penn State is not part of the lawsuit, as the school agreed not to sue when it agreed to accept these sanctions.

The money collected as fines is supposed to go to child-abuse prevention programs.

Governor Corbett serves on Penn State's board and did not voice any opposition to the sanctions when they were imposed.

This is a scumbag move from an attention seeking politician. Pennsylvania seems to produce those in abundance (see: Arlen Specter). Penn State, a school, allowed its football program to dominate the institution, instead of being part of it. It allowed young boys to be molested on school property. It allowed for a coach - who is a state employee, by the way - to molest children unpunished and unimpeded. All for the sake of a football program.

Penn State, as an institution, allowed its football program to become more powerful than the school, more powerful than the Law, more powerful than basic human decency and compassion. Both the program and the school deserved to be reduced in power and prestige, until an appropriate hierarchy can be rebuilt. That's what these sanctions endeavor to do.

The school allowed its program to get out of control. And guess what, there are a few other schools and programs like that. Texas football. Syracuse basketball. And many more. These are programs that have become much more powerful than the schools they are a part of. That's another story, though. One the NCAA doesn't want to address but probably should.

But all many Pennsylvanians (not most, but a significant number) and Penn State boosters/alumni care about is their football team. And their beloved St. Joseph of Paterno.

The Governor of Pennsylvania wants Penn State to keep its money, instead of that money going to programs that try to prevent child-abuse. Because football programs are more important than human beings, at least they are to some people.

It's disgusting.

Speculating About Josh McDaniels

I love the sports media. All media, really. They all follow the same formula when "following" a story.

Step 1: Find an interesting fact. In this case, the fact that Josh McDaniels is actively refusing head coaching vacancies. But simply regurgitating facts isn't enough to justify a journalist's paycheck. We need to know why and it's the journalist's job to tell us.

After step 1, the journalist has an option, A difficult Step 2 or an easy Step 2.

Difficult Step 2: Find out why the fact is. Do research, ask questions, contact sources, dig through records. Do some serious journalism to find out why the fact from Step 1 is so.

Easy Step 2: Speculate why. Guess. It's not only easier and faster, you get to choose the most sensational guess to cover and discuss. So the story is always as interesting as possible.

Step 3: Opine. Give opinions. If you are on the speculative track, your opinions should reflect that by being strong, extreme, and inflexible. Because it's best to have a solid, immovable opinion when your facts are flimsy.

Facts and truth have little to do with journalism. At least not the journalism that anyone reads or cares about. And this lack of facts is not just true in the sports media, by the way, it's politics, entertainment, financial news. Everything. Interesting speculation and extreme opinions get more attention than simple facts and moderate opinions.

So here's my sensational Josh McDaniels speculation: I think if the Patriots win this Super Bowl, Bill Belichick will retire within a month. He'll set up his heir-apparent McDaniels with a team that still has Brady, and has a young talented defense. Belichick gets to retire but his legacy lives on.

Here's my reasonable speculation: McDaniels has already failed as a head coach. The next chance he gets will likely be his last. The current vacancies aren't with teams that have good situations. They're mostly teams mired in turmoil. McDaniels might want to wait for a more favorable situation to arise.

Here's a boring speculation: Maybe McDaniels likes it here, likes working with Bill, likes working with Brady. Maybe he tried head-coaching and it wasn't for him. Some coaches are Captain Kirks, some are Mr. Spocks. There's nothing wrong with being a Spock.

Here's my absurd speculation: McDaniels is secretly married to Jonathan Kraft, and the two of them used Gisele Bundchen to be a surrogate mother to a child conceived using DNA from McDaniels and Belichick's daughter. The pregnancy was accompanied by dark sacrifices and Satanic rituals, overseen by evil wizard Ernie Adams. The child will one day coach the Patriots, bring the world as we know it to an end, and win 8 Super Bowl titles.