Peyton Manning gives Patriots an early Christmas present

The Patriots clinched the #1 seed in the AFC playoffs thanks to Peyton Manning whizzing it down his leg against the Bengals.

Look, Manning is a great QB, and a Hall of Famer, and he's led his team on countless game-winning drives in the 4th quarter and overtime. But when did he get a reputation as a clutch quarterback, let alone as one of the most clutch QBs of all time, as Mr. Gruden was claiming moments before Manning threw a wobbly, game-ending pick? Did I miss that ruling on Peyton Manning? Was there a meeting where that was decided?

"One of the greatest crunch time quarterbacks of all time," was how Jon Gruden described Manning before that pick 6. Really?

I honestly didn't know what would happen last night when Manning got the ball back, down by 2, needing only a field goal to beat the Bengals. It was an exciting, tense, dramatic situation. And it was raining. And in hindsight, all that drama, plus some imperfect weather, those are ingredients for Manning Choke Soup.

Manning just can't let himself get past things. He obsesses over the weather, and scoreboard operators, instead of moving on with his life, and focusing on what HE can do to do his job well.

I'd feel bad for him if he didn't look like a jagoff trying to host the world's biggest pity party whenever something bad happens. I'd feel bad for him if he didn't try to blame failures on everyone and everything but himself. I'd feel bad for him if he didn't call out scoreboard operators for trivial things.

Let's think back to that story with the scoreboard operator in Denver. Peyton didn't like that the jumbotron was inciting noise from the Denver fans while the team was on offense. That's fine. But can't Peyton address that issue in-house? Can't he go to John Fox or John Elway and say "In the future, we need the scoreboard operators to help keep the crowd quiet on offense?" He's Peyton Manning! Doesn't he have enough influence in that organization to take care of the issue without going to the media? Can't he even go directly to the staff who operate the scoreboard and talk to them?

Nope. Because Peyton had to make it known to the entire world why he wasn't amazing at the end of a game his team won. And it was the scoreboard operator's fault. He didn't talk about it to the media to stop it from happening in the future, he talked about to explain what he saw as his inadequate play.

Could you imagine another QB in the League doing that? Brady? Ryan? Rodgers? Roethlisberger? Wilson? Romo (maybe)?

Could you imagine another QB in the League doing that and receiving nearly no criticism?

People like Peyton. He's polite. He's punctual. He wears suits to press conferences. I'd probably like him if  not for my favorite team competing against him for supremacy in the AFC. But if I wanted to like him, I'd also have to ignore the choking, the blaming others for failure, the way he lets things like the weather get to him, the endless commercials, the boring clean-cut Johnny Unitas routine, the accent that mixes together the most annoying parts of southern and midwestern, and the face. The Manning Face. The ultimate accessory in disappointing body language. Manning Face demoralizes teammates, not opponents. It's judgmental, it's sad, it isn't inspiring, it isn't unifying.

Give me Tom Brady unleashing torrents of F-bombs over Manning-Face any day.

The people who like Peyton Manning make compromise after compromise to like him. And good for them. I'm not as patient or forgiving with people as Manning likers. Ultimately, all that really matters to is that Peyton's failure on Monday Night Football propelled the Patriots the #1 seed overall in the AFC.

Winter is coming, and the best place to be in Winter is at home.

Photo Credit:
Scott Radakovich and NFL Memes

Ugly, ugly, ugly

That was one of the ugliest Patriots games we've seen this side of Pete Carroll. Toward the end of the game, Jon Gruden used the "not running on all cylinders" metaphor to describe the Patriots. I'll take that metaphor a few steps further. The Patriots have a V6 running on 2 cylinders, they have a flat tire, the airbag doesn't work, the brakes are worn, the suspension is shot, the turn signals have shorted out, only one headlight comes on and only as a high beam, the seats are stained, there's a weird smell, and the trunk doesn't open without a crowbar.

The offensive line sucks. Exacerbating the problem is an unwillingness by Belichick, McDaniels, and Brady to accept and adjust to this reality. The plays are forced. The throws are forced. Brady throws into coverage. He throws to the same two guys. He ignores or doesn't see open receivers.

The Patriots are not running the right plays for their offense. Julian Edelman, a 5' 10" receiver, is being used as a downfield threat. The Pats run the ball with tomfoolery and trickery, instead of just attacking their opponent. Routes take too long to develop. Brady doesn't throw to anyone but Edelman and Gronkowski. He doesn't even seem to consider throwing to anyone else.

The Patriots dressed 3 WRs Monday Night, then used the run only sparingly. What the hell is the logic behind that?

I know Brady is uncomfortable in the pocket. In the past, we've mocked Peyton Manning for crumbling under such pressure. We focused on him, and made fun of him for letting the pressure get to him. So do we laugh and point at Manning for those collapses, then defend Brady for making bad decisions and making bad throws?

The line sucks. Brady has also sucked.

Both sides of the ball need to be simpler. Bring it back to basics. Be primal and ATTACK. Don't think, just go after the ball, after the opponent, after the yards. Instead the offense runs sweep plays to the outside on 3rd and 2. Instead, Darrelle Revis is playing off to prevent big plays.

I don't know what this team is trying to do on either side of the ball. They seem to base their offense on what the opponent does. Their gameplan is reactionary, not proactive.

The sky isn't falling though, all you Chicken Littles out there. This was an awful night. A painful night. To borrow a quote from the movie Wall Street: "We sure went down the toilet on that ugly bitch." Thankfully it was just one night. Hopefully it's rock bottom, and not a sign of things to come.

Right now the Patriots have to work to make this game an aberration. If the Patriots can improve, in the numerous areas they need improvement, then this game becomes just one game. But if something isn't done, in a number of areas, then this game becomes something defining.

The Patriots have a lot of things to work on. Thankfully they have plenty of time to work on them.

Photo Credit: John Rieger/USA TODAY Sports

Patriots-Chiefs Drinking Game: Monday Night Football Edition

Email your bosses now and tell them you won't be in on Tuesday. You'll be nursing a hangover the size of Jon Gruden's ego after playing this drinking game during tonight's Patriots game against the Chiefs...

Anytime a commentator says:
"City" = take 1 drink from a beer
"Brady" = 1 drink
"No huddle" = 1 drink
"Crowd noise" = 1 drink
"Weapons" = 1 drink
"Revis" = 1 drink
"Island" = 1 drink
"Hoomanawanui" or a variation = 1 drink
"Offensive line" = 1 drink


Anytime Jon Gruden...
Says "this guy" = 1 drink
Gives a player a nickname (e.g. "the sheriff") = 1 drink
Laughs = 1 drink
Makes the other commentator(s) laugh = 1 drink
Gushes about a player's body parts = 1 drink
Forces you to mute the TV = finish your beer


Anytime this is on screen:
Andy Reid as Eagles head coach = drink the entire time he's on screen
Tom Brady on the ground (live or in highlights) = take 1 shot of hard liquor
Robert Kraft = drink entire time he's on screen
Kraft talking to someone = drink an extra 15 seconds
A player or coach using a tablet = 1 drink
Danny Amendola = finish your beer


Anytime this happens:
Penalty flag = 1 drink
Touchback = 1 drink
A kickoff return = drink during entire return
Peyton Manning commercial = 1 drink the first commercial, 2 the second, and so on
Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink
You can actually hear Brady's cadence = 1 drink
Brady looks angry = 1 drink
Stevan Ridley runs the ball and doesn't fumble = 1 drink
Ridley fumbles = finish your beer
You actually see Danny Amendola = 1 drink
Brady throws to Amendola = half a beer
Amendola catches a pass = full beer
You're worried that Julian Edelman is hurt = 1 drink
Chandler Jones makes a big play = 1 drink
Vince Wilfork sacks the QB = 1 drink
Wilfork forces a fumble or intercepts the ball = 1 drink, 1 turkey leg, shot of gravy
Wilfork returns a turnover for a TD = full beer, full turkey dinner with all the trimmings, 12 ounces of gravy
You realize KC has a better baseball team than we do = full beer, 3 shots

Get lubed up responsibly.

Another Patriots Game Ends With Official Confusion

I'll launch a tirade about the call-then-non-call at the end of the game. Then I'll get to the game.

I find it odd that pushing a teammate when trying to block a field goal is penalized, but hugging a tight-end in the end zone is not. And I find it odd that a lawyer from Nebraska (referee Clete Blakeman, who did play QB for the Cornhuskers in the 1980s), can make an instant judgment about the athletic abilities of Rob Gronkowski AND Luke Kuechly. On the spot, the officials determined that Gronkowski would have been physically unable to turn and compete for the football in the end zone. Further, the refs determined that the influence Luke Kuechly exerted on Gronk wasn't what kept Gronkowski from competing for the ball.

So a former college player and current lawyer decided, with no benefit of replay or review, what Rob Gronkowski was and wasn't capable of doing. And what Luke Kuechly was and wasn't capable of preventing Gronkowski from doing. These are two of the best athletes in the League, and a 49-year-old lawyer determined what they were capable of.

I hate games that end this way. Any games. I hate games that end with rule book explanations.

I hate the fact that one official, who was on top of the play, instinctively threw his flag. He saw SOMETHING. Then the crew decided that whatever he saw was nullified because of something else. And it's still unclear what any of those somethings are.

If the official in the end zone had kept his flag in his pocket because it was the last play, and in all sports officials allow things to happen at the end of games that they would normally penalize in the earlier stages, that would have been fine. Instead, a flag was thrown for some reason, picked up for another reason, and the game ended with a question mark. Not a period, or an exclamation point.

Just questions marks.

To the game...

The Patriots did plenty to lose this game before that last play. Stevan Ridley's fumble might have cost them a touchdown. The 4th quarter pass on 3rd and 1 in the Red Zone was also poorly executed and a weird decision. A trademark of a Josh McDaniels offense is that he tries too hard to stay one step ahead of you. Instead of having faith in the players to execute, he tries to outwit his opponents. And instead of staying with something that works, he'll try to adjust his offense BEFORE his opponent adjusts to what had been working.

It's like trying to counter a chess opponent's move before he's made it. It's not strategically sound.

The Patriots defense also looked much weaker than it's been in earlier stages of the season. With no Wilfork, no Mayo, no Dennard, the Panthers were able to mount some impressive drives. Aqib Talib was criticized a great deal, but his game wasn't as horrible as you might think. Steve Smith caught 4 passes for 62 yards. Talib didn't have his best game, but he wasn't torched either.

Every time the Patriots collapsed the pocket around Cam Newton, it was a bad thing. Give him credit for making sensational plays. But also criticize the Patriots for not being cautious with him. You don't want to collapse pockets around Newton, you want to contain them. He's explosive, and with explosives you want to keep them contained and controlled.

I'm not disheartened or worried by the outcome of this game. This game was winnable. Carolina played better. But the Patriots weren't inferior in terms of talent or ability or effort. Just in execution. If Ridley keeps the ball, if Talib keeps his temper, if the play-calling was better, et cetera. These are all attainable ifs.

So I'm not concerned by this. The Patriots failed a test, but did show they have the capability of passing it.

Speaking of tests, the Broncos come to town Sunday night.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Mike McCarn

The Patriots Begin Phase 2 of the Season Tonight

The bye week neatly divided the Patriots' season into two distinct phases. The first 9 games turned out to be against mostly mediocre competition, with a few good teams mixed in. Five of those 9 games were against teams with a winning record. And 3 of those 5 were against teams that are now 5-5. So only 2 games against truly tough opponents.

Phase 2 starts tonight. This is the test phase. This is the time to prove something.

The first phase of the season was about survival. Without Rob Gronkowski, the offense started the season with one hand tied behind its back. Then Danny Amendola got hurt. Then the runningbacks got hurt. Then Tom Brady struggled with accuracy, possibly due to injury.

The first 9 games were about getting everyone healthy and getting the young receivers acclimated to the offense. And also, of course, to accumulate wins.

The Pats achieved their goals in Phase 1 of the season. They won 7 games and built a lead in the division. Gronk is healthy. The young WRs are playing better. Brady looked great against the Steelers in week 9.

Now the stakes are higher. The tests are more difficult. The Pats play back-to-back nationally televised games. One against the 6-3 Panthers, the next at home against the 9-1 Broncos.

The Panthers have the best scoring defense in the League, allowing 12.8 points per game.

The Broncos have the best scoring offense, putting up an absurd 39.8 points per game, 11 points more than the second best Saints at 28.8.

It's safe to say that both the Patriots offense and defense will be put to the test these next two games. The Pats can win these through balance. If Brady and the offense struggle against Carolina's defense, it's up to the Patriots' defense to shutdown Cam Newton and the Panthers. And next week against Denver, it will be up to Brady, Gronk, and the offense to put up points and eat up clock to make things easier for the Pats' defense.

The Patriots have failed in recent postseasons because they could only win one type of game one type of way. This year we've seen them win games with defense, with offense, by running the clock out in the 4th quarter, by coming back in the 4th quarter with big passes, by playing great defense in the 4th quarter. Three of their wins were by 3 points or less. Four were within a touchdown.

If the Patriots can do well against these two types of teams, we'll all feel much more confident about their chances in the playoffs. If they struggle... well, at least they'll have 5 more weeks to improve.

Patriots-Texans Drinking Game: Monday Night Football Edition

Have a case of the Mondays? Then have a case on Monday. Here's a drinking game for tonight's Pats/Texans game...

Anytime a commentator says...
"Christmas" or "Holidays" = 1 drink from a beer
"Season's greetings" = drink beer for 10 seconds
"This guy" = 1 drink
"Here's a guy" = 1 drink
"Look" = 1 drink
"He's a football player" = 1 drink
"Potent" = 1 drink
"Balanced" = 1 drink
"High-percentage" = 1 drink
"Control their own destiny" = 1 drink
"Milkman" = 1 whole beer


Anytime this is on the screen...
Playoff scenarios = 1 drink
Graphic with Patriots/Belichick's record in December games = 1 drink
Most consecutive games with TD pass graphic = 1 drink
People shopping = 1 drink
Quincy Market = 5 drinks (because "Quincy" comes from the Latin word for 5, fun fact)
Santa = 1 drink
Christmas lights = 1 drink
Blinking Christmas lights = 1 drink per blink
People ice-skating = 1 drink
People ice-skating at Patriot Place = drink whole beer
People singing carols = 1 glass of wassail, or cider, or eggnog
Bob Kraft = 1 drink
Bob Kraft talking to someone = drink beer the entire time he's talking


Anytime this happens...
Jon Gruden makes Mike Tirico giggle = 1 drink
Jon Gruden laughs at himself = 1 drink
Jon Gruden praises a body part of a player = 1 drink
Jon Gruden repeatedly gushes on and on about one player = drink every time he's mentioned, and drink for as long as Gruden rants
Jon Gruden refers to someone by a nickname you've never heard before
Tom Brady yells "Aplha Milk" = 1 drink of eggnog or a White Russian
Brady points out the "Mike" = 1 drink (or 3 drinks from Mike's Hard Lemonade for bonus points)
Patriots get a 1st down = 1 drink
Patriots go no-huddle = 1 drink per snap
Patriots allow 10+ yard run play = 1 drink
Patriots force a turnover = 1 shot
Vince Wilfork forces or recovers a turnover = 1 whole beer, 1 shot
Wilfork returns a turnover for a TD = 1 whole beer, 1 shot, 1 pound of Texas beef
Kickoff touchback = 1 drink
Kickoff return = drink during the entire return

Get lubed up responsibly.