The Ravens Win

I found myself confused at the end of this game. Initially, I wanted the 49ers won win, because I didn't want Ray Lewis or Joe Flacco to achieve any further glory. But then, as the 49ers played the first half from a Foxhole, I lost all respect for them. So I was forced to choose between a team I didn't like, and a team I didn't respect.

The Ravens won, and they deserved it. It's remarkable how one brother could be so much more aggressive than the other. Sigmund Freud would have a field day.

One thing the Ravens had on offense that the Patriots didn't was a strong receiver. Rob Gronkowski was out. And the Patriots' WR corps was small and not as physical as Baltimore's DBs. Meanwhile, Baltimore's receivers outmatched the Patriots' safeties.

Imagine what would happen if Anquan Boldin were on the Patriots roster. How much would Brady rely on him? How many receptions, how many TDs would he haul in? The Patriots could really use a large WR that can win battles in difficult situations.

Baltimore deserved this. As much as we can mock Ray Lewis for consuming deer antler velvet like some drunken and lonely Mainer, just about everyone in the NFL is on PEDs. So let he who supports a team without sin cast the first stone.

The Ravens played a game of football. The 49ers tried to play the Super Bowl. And in doing so they failed. The 49ers were conservative, tight, nervous, locked-up, not aggressive. They dug their foxholes from kickoff to the final whistle. And that's why they lost. The Ravens played football, and played it well.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Marcio Sanchez

Super Bowl Drinking Game

It's finally here. The biggest game of the year. And here's a drinking game you can play while trying to explain pass interference to all the non-football fans in the room, and trying to sort through all the squares you have in your degenerate gambler pools. So drink up and enjoy the game.

Anytime you hear the words...
"Harbaugh" = 1 drink from a beer
"Brothers" = 1 drink
"Harbowl" = 1 drink
"Big Easy" = 1 shot of bourbon
"180 countries" = 1 drink
"Ray Lewis" = 1 sip of beer (any more than a sip and you'd probably die of alcohol poisoning)
"Ray Lewis" and "murder" in the same sentence = 52 whole beers, because it won't happen
"Antler" = 1 drink
"Deer" = 1 drink
"Controversy" = 1 drink
"Retire" = 1 drink
"Miami" = 1 drink (lots of players from the U in this game)
"Playmaker" or anything about how exciting Colin Kaepernick is = drink for 7 seconds
"Chris Culliver" = 1 drink
"Apology" = 1 drink
"Media day" = 1 drink
"Art Modell" = 1 drink
"Baltimore Colts" = 1 drink
"Cleveland Browns" = 1 drink


Anytime this is on screen...
Roman numerals = 1 drink per numeral
Anything New Orleansy = 1 drink
A bllimp shot of a dome = 1 drink
Alex Smith on a bench = 1 drink
Alex Smith wearing a baseball hat = 1 drink
Jerry Rice's stats = 1 drink
Joe Montana = drink for 16 seconds
Steve Young = drink for 8 seconds
Brian Billick = 1 drink
Ray Lewis screaming = 1 drink
Ray Lewis crying = 1 drink
Ray Lewis praying = 1 drink
A Bible verse = drink for as many seconds as the chapter (so John 3:16 would be 3 seconds)
A promo for what's on after the Super Bowl = 1 drink
Roger Goodell = 1 drink
Jonathan Vilma = 1 drink
Goodell and Vilma hugging = drink a quart of tequila, because it won't happen


Anytime this happens...
It's mentioned that the 49ers let the Ravens use their practice facility = 1 drink
Colin Kaepernick runs for a 1st down = 1 drink
Kaepernick kisses his arms = 1 drink
A Raven leads with their helmet = 1 drink
Bernard Pollard injures someone = 1 drink
Bernard Pollard injures a Patriot = 1 drink (it could happen)
Beyonce does that authoratitive walk with her hips = 1 drink
You actually watch the halftime because of Beyonce = 1 whole beer per song
You pretend to accidentally change the channel to Puppy Bowl = 1 drink
Boring car commercial = 1 drink
Commercial that tries really hard to be funny but isn't at all = 1 drink
You hold in a piss = 1 drink per play (or commercial) that you hold it in
You temporarily root against the team you actually want to win so you can win a square = 1 drink

Yuengling Wing Sauce

I was introduced to Yuengling (pronounced Ying-ling, if you didn't know) when I went to college in upstate New York. It's a remarkable beer. It's delicious, but not so heavy that you can't enjoy a generous amount on a Friday evening.

We can't get Yuengling in Massachusetts. I'm not sure why, exactly. I've been told it has something to do with imprinting letters on the bottles. I've also been told that Massachusetts doesn't allow beer to be sold unless it's distributed by a Massachusetts based distributor. And Yuengling wants to distribute on their own. Whatever the reason, I'm sure we have some stupid regulations that prohibit the the beer from flowing.

It sucks. And now this lack of Yuengling sucks even more. They've come out with a line of sauces.

BBQ and wing sauces, just in time for the Super Bowl. Good God. It's torturous to look at this. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I want wings, some BBQ pork, and a dozen Yuenglings...

It's only a 3 hour drive to New York...

Vanek Attack

The Bruins need to sign Thomas Vanek, or bribe some Western Conference team into signing him, because he absolutely kills the B's. He had 3 goals, 2 assists, and was +4.

As good as Vanek was, the difference in this game was the goaltending. Ryan Miller made some absurd saves in the 3rd period that kept the Bruins stuck at 4 goals. On the other side of the ice, Tuukka Rask wasn't responsible for most of Buffalo's scoring. But on Buffalo's 4th goal, scored by Alexander Sulzer, Rask's glove was just a little bit heavy. You're seeing teams attacking him high glove-side, and it's because he's somewhat slow.

To be clear, I'm not blaming the loss on Rask, I'm just saying the goaltending was a major factor in the outcome of this game. Ryan Miller was great, Rask let up a goal that was possibly due to a weakness of his.

Speaking of weaknesses, the Bruins were 0 for 4 on their power play. They didn't get much going.

Buffalo was skating like it was a playoff game, the Bruins were playing like it was the 7th game of the regular season. Buffalo had lost 4 straight, they were playing a team that's given them trouble in the past, they were motivated. This was Game #7 of the regular season for the Bruins, the Sabres played it like a Game 7.

The Bruins need to recover and regroup. The next two games are also within the division. They're in Toronto Saturday night then Montreal Wednesday night. And they have 2 more against Buffalo in the near future.

I love divisional games.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Charles Krupa

Cleveland Golf

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It might be too cold to think about golf. Or is it? I think this is a great time of year to remind yourself that Spring is just around the corner. In only a few more weeks courses will be opening, tees will be able to penetrate the frozen earth, and golf balls will be flying.

And it's certainly also time to think about your Golf clubs. You wouldn't use a flimsy shovel to clear out your driveway, so why would you use an inferior driver to try to hit a fairway? You want the best tires possible to help get your car out of a snow bank, and you want the best golf wedges to help get your ball out of a sand trap. Not using the best available equipment is like handicapping yourself.

Check out Cleveland Golf and their extensive range of golf equipment. The air might be cold and the ground might be white, but it's never too early to think about getting to the green.

Hunter S. Thompson Would Have Enjoyed the 2012 NFL Season

I miss Hunter S. Thompson. I miss his writing. He decided to shoot himself in 2005, at the age of 67, in his fortified compound in Colorado. And I respect that decision. But I think he missed one of the more engaging, ugly, and intriguing NFL seasons in recent memory.

What would Hunter have to say about replacement officials? A devoted gambler, the tremendous influence that these amateur flag-throwers had on games might have driven him insane. Or thrilled him, adding even more randomness and chaos to an already difficult to predict maelstrom of variables.

Thompson lived in San Francisco for a period, and was once addicted to betting on the 49ers. He probably would have enjoyed the rise of Colin Kaepernick to prominence. An exciting, playmaking, tattooed star taking over as frontman of an already successful band that hadn't quite broken through to super-stardom. Kaepernick took over from a competent, but predictable lead singer. Alex Smith was the guy that sounds okay in a small club. Kaepernick is a rock star that can command an entire stadium.

The rampant PED usage by NFL players probably wouldn't have bothered Hunter. He used plenty of substances himself. One of his more famous quotes is: "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." If LSD and ether helped Hunter write (or at least influenced the experiences he had that he would eventually write about), I don't think he would mind players who use adderall or deer antler to play football. Football is already an unnatural act, and football players are already freaks of nature. Why not use chemicals to augment that freakishness?

He might mind the concussions. Back in the early 2000s he bemoaned the number of QB injuries there were in the NFL. It was an epidemic. And now QB injuries are fewer, but repeated skull bashing has created a generation of NFL players whose brain tissues have been reduced to ground hamburger. I think he'd have a problem with that. From his writings, such as a piece he wrote after Dale Earnhardt died, he seemed to have an ethical line that sports should not cross. Violence was fine, so long as there was no blood, no permanent injury. And once that line was crossed, sport became disgusting. Stadiums became Roman Colosseums, fans became voyeuristic sadists, and games became crimes.

Then there's the New York Jets: an endless source of writing material. They'd be pitiable if they didn't try so hard to be unlikable. I think Thompson would thoroughly enjoy the dysfunction of the Jets. Everything from butt fumbles to Tim Tebow to Rex Ryan's tattoos to snacks. The Jets are almost too cartoonish to write about, actually. It's like doing a thesis paper on the shortcomings of Wile E. Coyote's bird-catching tactics, it's too easy to point out the mistakes.

And finally there's the rise of the rookie QB. I think Thompson would have welcomed this fresh blood infused into the League. A League which has become somewhat repetitive  On Sunday the Super Bowl will have no Tom Brady, no Peyton Manning, and no Ben Roethlisberger for the first time since 2002. Think about that. A decade of football with 1 of 3 QBs always making an appearance in the Big Game. That's tedious. New faces are needed on the game's biggest stage.

RG3 might be Thompson's favorite. He would have reveled in the absurdity of the accusations that Griffin isn't Black enough. He would have loved to see football thrive in the Capital. He would have loved to see Daniel Snyder finally learn that you can't buy success, you have to cultivate, and harvest it from the Draft.

The 2012 NFL season would have offered Hunter S. Thompson a feast of intrigue and barbarity. The greed, the stupidity, the rises, the falls, the inspirational, and the abhorrent.

I'm not sure if there's a Heaven. But if there is, I think Hunter S. Thompson will be up there on Sunday, watching the game, making prop bets with Louis Pasteur, mocking the halftime show with Leo Tolstoy, and going shot for shot with Teddy Roosevelt.

Mahalo, Hunter. You're immortal.

Bruins Claw Their Way Out of Carolina

Special teams made the difference in this game. The Bruins killed all 6 of Carolina's power plays, and scored a shorthanded goal. The B's also scored 2 on their own power play (although 1 was an empty-netter). Zdeno Chara's power play goal wasn't scored by a scheme, it was scored by a talented player who did something creative

Was it me or did the puck seem extra bouncy? Both teams struggled to settle it. And almost every pass was just a bit off target. Puck possession was difficult for both teams to maintain. So I'm just going to forgive and forget all the times the Bruins turned the puck over.

Nathan Horton's goal was a beautiful thing to behold. He's going to become the keystone player on this team in the playoffs. Without the unique combination of scoring and physicality that he brings, that Krejci line will be ineffective. And we saw what can happen when that line is effective.

We've been spoiled by goalies in Boston. Rask and Thomas have alternated between back-up and starter, and both have been good enough to start. Now we have Anton Khudobin. He's talented, but inexperienced. He doesn't read the play very well. So his role on the team should be much more limited than we're accustomed to.

The B's host the Devils tonight.

Photo Credit:
AP Photo/Gerry Broome

Peyton Manning's Diary: Pro Bowl Time!

Aloha, diary!

I love Hawaii. And I love the Pro Bowl. Hawaii is such a fun place, even though it's hard to spell. When me and all the other players got off the plane in Honolulu (what a fun word to say!), the guys started joking around with me. One of the pretty hula girls put those flower necklaces around my neck. J.J. Watt made everyone laugh when he said "Hey, Peyton finally got laid." I didn't get it, but I smiled. I like when people laugh with me. It makes me happy.

People like me. And that's fun.

The game was fun, too. Coach Fox came along. I like Coach Fox for two reasons:

#1: His name reminds me of Coach Hayden Fox from Coach. I loved that show. Especially Dauber. He was silly. I wanted to play football at Minnesota State, but Pa made me go to Tennessee.

#2: His name also reminds me of one of my favorite movies when I was a teenager: The Fox and the Hound.

Every day at practice, I sniff my way up to Coach Fox, then howl. I want him to say "I'm a fox!" He just shakes his head, though. Oh well!

I still like him. He's not as nice as Coach Tony, but he's still nice.

Some of my old friends were at the Pro Bowl. Reggie was there. And so was Jeff! And my little "bro" Eli!!!

They let Jeff snap the ball to me one last time. It was nice. It's nice when TV and the League do nice things for me. They like me.

I told my old joke to Jeff that I used to tell him when we played together, that since he plays football he should change his name to Sunday! We chuckled. Jeff used to carry me through airport terminals if the walk from the plane to the bus was too long.

We lost the game, but I'm used to losing the last game of the year. People still gave me all sorts of compliments. Like they usually do.

Jeff and I went out for pizza. We invited Reggie, but all he did was send us a text saying "I'm too old for Chuckie Cheese."

We had a Hawaiian pizza, but it was yucky. So we sent it back and got pepperoni! And Jeff let me have the last slice.

I miss Hawaii already.